Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
The hill we’re climbing today is strewn with the shattered bits of cybersecurity, featuring our one and only Senate Finance Committee as the knights-in-somewhat-shining-armor. Prepare ye all for a chronicle of sheer digital terror as we unravel the hair-raising tale of the Change Healthcare cyberattack.
Senator Wyden, the Finance Chair, eyes a spectacle for all his subjects – a full-fledged hearing that promises to elbows deep in cyber-dirt and virtual villainy. Grab your armor and a snack, for this is going to be a knight’s tale of modern woes and legislative heroism.
The Breakdown
- Medieval Tech Support Meets Modern Healthcare
Imagine, if you will, a realm where dial-up is king, and cybersecurity is more of a ‘gentle suggestion.’ Change Healthcare, using the finest parchment and quill technology, seems surprised that dragons (hackers) could breach the castle walls. - The Senate’s Speedy Response: Faster Than Continental Drift
Senator Wyden swings into action with the urgency of a sloth on a casual Sunday stroll. His declaration of a ‘coming’ hearing is akin to winter in ‘Game of Thrones’—it’s perpetually on the horizon but never quite here yet. - The Art of Wielding Surprise When There Should Be None
Every cyberattack seems to come as a complete shock to the bureaucracy, as if they’ve never before heard of this mythical “internet” and its cadre of interweb muggers. It’s adorable, really—like a toddler discovering peek-a-boo for the 847th time. - Cybersecurity Measures: As Robust As Wet Cardboard
The protective measures in place are a wonder of modern apathy, comparable to donning a raincoat made of Swiss cheese in the middle of a hurricane. - Data Encryption, Schmata Encryption
When asked about safeguarding sensitive data, it appears the strategy was to close one’s eyes, click their heels together, and hope for a Kansas-level twister to whisk the data away to a safe, magical land.
The Counter
- Ancient Scrolls Proved Hack-Proof for Millennia
In defense of Change Healthcare’s outdated technology, let it be known that not a single medieval scroll has ever been hacked. Take that, modern encryption! - A Hearing ‘Coming’ is Better Than Never Coming at All
Kudos to the Senate for potentially scheduling a future reprimand. The dragons will surely quake in their boots waiting for that calendar invite. - If You Expect Disaster, You Can Never Be Surprised
Looking on the bright side, maintaining a consistent level of ignorance ensures every cyberattack feels like a fresh, new catastrophe, thus preserving a sense of wonder in government. - Wet Cardboard: The New Stronghold
If we’ve learned anything, it’s that wet cardboard defenses may actually deter attackers through sheer pity alone. Perhaps it’s an unorthodox genius we’re not recognizing. - Good Old-Fashioned Optimism Prevails
Clicking heels has worked precisely once in the documented history of Oz, which are better odds than what most cybersecurity protocols can boast.
The Hot Take
Folks, here’s the scorching skillet of truth. Tighten up your bootstraps and prepare for the hottest of takes: If you want to stop cyberattacks, it’s time to stop them the old-fashioned liberal way—with an avalanche of bureaucracy and workshops.
Let’s cyber-proof our healthcare by enrolling our hackers in endless ethics seminars until they’re too busy questioning the moral compass of their life choices to steal anything. And don’t stop there; send our legislators on coding bootcamps where the only boots involved are the ones kicking them into the 21st century. Together, we can make cyberattacks as obsolete as a floppy disk at a Tesla charging station.
Source: Senate Finance chair says hearing on Change Healthcare cyberattack is coming
