Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
When you hear about a white sale, you might think of towels and bedsheets on discount, but the world’s coral reefs are having a white sale of their own. The only problem is that everything must go… as in dead or dying. Unlike your grandma’s favorite department store, these aquatic markdowns are courtesy of rising ocean temperatures—courtesy of our collective, unquenchable love for fossil fuels.
According to research highlighted in The Hill, most coral reef areas have bleached this past year, turning them from vibrant underwater rainforests into ghost towns. Who doesn’t love a good widespread environmental catastrophe?
The Breakdown
- Eco-Unfriendly Bleaching Solutions: Coral reefs decided they were too colorful and could stand to lose a few shades. It’s truly considerate of them to go monochrome to match the aesthetic of our world’s rapidly flourishing bleached-environment chic.
These once-colorful underwater spectacles are now embracing the minimalist trend by shedding their algae—and their life force—in response to our spa-mode oceans.
- Global Warming Throws the Best Pool Parties: Have you ever turned up the heater too much and boiled your fish tank? Well, now we’re all invited to the ultimate hot pot gala courtesy of climate change.
This bash features rising ocean temperatures due to our carbon emissions. The coral just can’t handle the heat but hey, who doesn’t love a good simmer in the middle of the ocean?
- Sunscreen for Coral? They Wish!: People get to protect their skin with SPF, but what about the corals? Unfortunately, they are subject to every increment of solar radiation we carelessly amplify with our ozone depleting hobbies.
The sunscreen industry missed a lucrative market here. Too bad the corals can’t go shopping.
- Who Needs a Diverse Ecosystem Anyway?: Who said biodiversity was crucial for the planet? Oh, right, every ecologist ever. But, honestly, it must have been getting tiring for the fish to choose between so many colorful habitats.
Simplification is in, folks! Coral monocultures are the latest rage in the underwater world. No confusion for the marine life, just existential dread.
- Commitment to Underwater Ghost Towns: Someone must be vying for an award in “Most Improved Desolation” because these coral reefs are quickly becoming the new frontier for eerie, lifeless landscapes.
Bleaching has not only affected reef aesthetics; it’s vying for widespread ecological grief. Who needs marine life when you can have hauntingly desolate seascapes instead?
The Counter
- It’s Just a Phase, They’ll Grow Out of It: The corals are not dying; they’re just going through a rebellious phase. Soon, they will tire of their ghostly pale complexion and opt back into the colorful and lively lifestyle. Patience is a virtue!
- Invest in Underwater Paint: With the rise of DIY, we can just repaint the corals, right? A few strokes of neon paint and they’d be as good as new! It’s not like the symbiotic algae living within them provided any essential services.
- A Boon for Bleach Companies: Surely, bleach companies can capitalize on all the confusion. “If it’s good enough for your laundry, it’s good enough for the sea,” the slogan writes itself. Who cares about the repercussions? We’ll figure that out in a post-apocalyptic economy!
- Just Vacation Elsewhere: If the coral reefs die out, who’s really losing out? You can just holiday somewhere else. Forget about the marine species that depend on the reefs—it’s all about the tourist dollars anyway.
- Instant Atlantis: Think of the real estate opportunities! Once all those pesky fish are out of the way, we can start building underwater condos. Prime ocean floor real estate could be the next big thing. It’s just a matter of marketing it correctly.
The Hot Take
In the spirit of the liberal brigade, let’s slap some solar panels on everything that floats and call it a day, shall we? If the reefs are going to keep their shades drawn, we might as well go full eco-warrior and harness that sunlight for electricity—lord knows we need a win in the renewable energy column. Maybe if we talk to the corals about the virtues of a plant-based diet, they’ll perk right up.
Solar-powered underwater greenhouses, anyone? It’s high time we started treating our oceans like the critical part of the family they are, instead of the distant cousin we only remember when they start showing up pale and lifeless at family functions. Remember, laugh folks—because the alternative is crying into the rapidly acidifying ocean!
Source: Most coral reef areas experienced bleaching in past year: Research
