Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a plot twist that seems like it’s straight out of a horror-comedy, America is on the cusp of what can only be described as an insectoid version of “The Bachelor” meets “The Walking Dead.” That’s right, folks, brace yourselves for the swarm of “sex-crazed zombie cicadas,” apparently infected with the love bug, if by love bug you mean a mind-controlling, STD-spreading fungus. But don’t cue the romantic music just yet; this isn’t your typical love story. Oh no, it’s a saga where passion meets decay, and these little critters are dying to mate – quite literally.
The Breakdown
- Zombie Apocalypse But Make It Cicadas: These cicadas have a one-track mind, thanks to a fungus named Massospora, which could be the insect equivalent of 50 Shades of Grey – if the book were actually about a parasitic infection that replaced your butt with fungus.
- Specifics: Massospora infects male cicadas with chemicals equivalent to an aphrodisiac, causing them to flick their wings like females in an irresistible come-hither motion. Strange? Absolutely. Effective? Unquestionably. Because what’s a few lost body parts in the grand scheme of propagation?
- Specifics: Massospora infects male cicadas with chemicals equivalent to an aphrodisiac, causing them to flick their wings like females in an irresistible come-hither motion. Strange? Absolutely. Effective? Unquestionably. Because what’s a few lost body parts in the grand scheme of propagation?
- Deadly Desires: Why settle for Tinder when you can have a fungus that not only gets you all hot and bothered but also promises to stick with you till death – and a bit after?
- Specifics: The disease turns these insects into zombies, but the twist is, even as parts of their bodies fall off, these dedicated lovers continue their courtship rituals. Talk about commitment issues!
- Specifics: The disease turns these insects into zombies, but the twist is, even as parts of their bodies fall off, these dedicated lovers continue their courtship rituals. Talk about commitment issues!
- STDs Gone Wild: Not only are these cicadas getting frisky, but they’re also sharing their little fungal surprise with everyone they meet, redefining the term “sharing is caring.”
- Specifics: The STD in question destroys the cicada’s abdomen, but that doesn’t stop them from engaging in mating behaviors, thus spreading the fungus, much like a college student returning from spring break.
- Specifics: The STD in question destroys the cicada’s abdomen, but that doesn’t stop them from engaging in mating behaviors, thus spreading the fungus, much like a college student returning from spring break.
- The Last Dance: Picture disco fever but with insects, and the fever is an actual fever caused by a love drug, and the disco is… well, the end of the world.
- Specifics: Infected cicadas are so under the influence of this fungal infection that they continue to try and mate until their bodies quite literally can’t go on. That’s some dedication to the cause.
- Specifics: Infected cicadas are so under the influence of this fungal infection that they continue to try and mate until their bodies quite literally can’t go on. That’s some dedication to the cause.
- End of Days or Nature’s Way?: While it may seem like mother nature is playing a cruel joke, perhaps she’s just a master of population control with a dark sense of humor.
- Specifics: Some scientists posit that perhaps this bizarre infection is nature’s way of keeping the cicada population in check. The Circle of Life – it moves us all, sometimes towards each other’s disintegrating fungus-filled abdomens.
- Specifics: Some scientists posit that perhaps this bizarre infection is nature’s way of keeping the cicada population in check. The Circle of Life – it moves us all, sometimes towards each other’s disintegrating fungus-filled abdomens.
The Counter
- Romance Isn’t Dead, Just Dying Slowly: Despite losing body parts and being manipulated by mind-altering substances, these cicadas show that true love knows no bounds – or at least knows no boundaries of common sense.
- Fungus Among Us: Who needs a wingman when you can have a fungal infection doing all the work for you? Sure, it’s unorthodox, but love (and fungus) finds a way.
- The Ultimate Icebreaker: Next time you feel nervous about approaching someone, just remember that cicadas infected with an STD will hit on literally anything, without a trace of shame.
- It’s Not You, It’s Me…And My Parasitic Fungus: These cicadas are putting a new twist on ghosting. They’ve got an excuse for erratic behavior that’s literally mind-blowing. Can humans say the same?
- Survival of the Fittest: In a world where undead insects are the norm, the cicadas might be setting the latest trend in survival adaptation. Sure, it’s weird, but aren’t all trends at first?
The Hot Take
To tackle the problematic romance saga between cicadas and their fungal overlords, we might just need to take a page out of their book – minus the body-mutilating fungus part. Perhaps embracing cicada-like resilience and openness to change could be just what humanity needs. After all, who wouldn’t admire such unfettered enthusiasm and perseverance in the face of… well, losing your behind to fungus?
In all seriousness, we may need to learn to dance with nature’s quirks rather than against them. These creatures are living their truth, no matter how infected it may be. Who are we to judge? As for the problem at hand, let’s face it, our current approach to ecology often mimics the cicadas’ mating strategy: mindlessly hump away without thinking of the consequences. Maybe it’s time we start thinking about the long-term health of both our planet and its less-sex-crazed inhabitants.
In the end, it seems clear that education, awareness, and perhaps a sprinkle of fungal fungicide (please consult an ecologist first) could be our way forward. Until then, let the cicadas have their last tango in the apocalypse – we could all learn a thing or two about living life to the fullest, to the very end.
Source: Sex-crazed ‘zombie cicadas’ infected with an STD fungus could infest U.S.
