Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an unprecedented display of bureaucratic benevolence, the Justice Department has decided to part with a whopping $100 million of taxpayer money, reaching a settlement with the victims of Larry Nassar over the FBI’s slapstick mishandling of the sexual abuse allegations.
This figure, which by sheer coincidence is a round number that looks great in headlines, is meant to compensate for the FBI’s—whoops—failure to stop Nassar’s abuses sooner. Now, let’s roll up our sleeves and dive deep into a saga of institutional incompetence and its lottery jackpot payout.
The Breakdown:
- High-Priced Horse Blinders
Could it be that Gucci makes a special line of horse blinders for government use only? Because someone at the FBI was clearly wearing them, decorated with taxpayer dollars, while Nassar continued his abhorrent crimes. Details about this fashion statement are still sketchy. - Bureaucratic Speed Dating
The urgency with which the FBI handled the Nassar allegations suggests they were trying to set a new world record for the slowest game of bureaucratic ping-pong. Taking action with all the haste of a tortoise on tranquilizers, victims were left waiting while the FBI wrote love letters to due process. - The Ostrich Approach
The FBI’s novel investigative technique appeared to involve imitating an ostrich, sticking its head in the sand while a predator roamed free. It seems someone misheard “see something, say something” as “see something, do nothing.” - Monopoly Money Reparations
Apparently, the DOJ owns a Monopoly game and is paying out settlements in those fancy colorful bills. But wait, those are real dollars? It’s heartwarming to see the DOJ standing by their “money can solve our oopsies” policy. - The Scarlet Letter, but Make It Gold
Rather than donning a scarlet letter for shame, it looks like institutions and individuals alike will get gold stars because they tried their best with what little they knew—like how to contact local law enforcement or do their jobs.
The Counter:
- The More the Merrier
Who doesn’t love a little extra cash in their pocket? Sure, a timely investigation would’ve been great, but cash has that wonderful healing property, doesn’t it? Trust funds over trust broken any day! - Procedural Flavored Snail Syrup
Maybe the FBI’s slow response was just them being thorough, methodically moving at the pace of a snail through peanut butter. They do say patience is a virtue—it’s just not clear whose virtue we’re sacrificing. - Sandcastles of Ignorance
Playing in the sand might have been part of the FBI’s team-building exercise. After all, nothing screams “team spirit” like collectively ignoring a predator. “Head in the sand” must be the new “eyes on the prize.” - The Ultimate Cash-back Guarantee
All this time, we thought those tax dollars were gone for good, but look at that—the government gives back! Like a rewards program for criminal investigations gone awry. Collect 10 blunders and get a settlement free! - Midas Touch of Mismanagement
Isn’t it fabulous how every disastrous mistake seems to turn into a golden opportunity for payouts? The DOJ just might be the King Midas of mismanagement. Instead of everything turning to gold, it’s our money turning into hush funds.
The Hot Take:
If this sordid tale has taught us anything, it’s that throwing money at the aftermath of a problem is far more enjoyable than preventing it. However, let’s be wild and hypothesize that a stitch in time could save more than $100 million; it could save lives and sanity.
To dodge such speedy settlements in the future—because let’s be honest, the DOJ’s wallet isn’t infinite—perhaps some reshuffling in their priorities is in order. We could start with a revolutionary idea: holding accountable, with the utmost prejudice, the people whose job it was to not screw up on such a massive scale.
Now, let’s douse the FBI field guide in lighter fluid and spark up a new one; it can even be written in crayon for clarity’s sake. In it, we’ll have bold, all-caps instructions like “ACT QUICKLY,” “PROTECT VICTIMS,” and “DON’T BE A BYSTANDER IN BUREAUCRAT’S CLOTHING.”
However, the most hilarious, outlandish suggestion one might make is that prevention is better than a cure. Let’s get radical and suggest something so funny it just might work: funding and supporting education and prevention programs dealing with sexual abuse. It’ll be the comedy tour de force of the year, teaching individuals that no, they absolutely cannot get away with being complicit.
And for that dazzle of humor: Scrutinize investigations like the punchline depends on it. No more laissez-faire laughter at red flags. Let’s get serious about cracking jokes, not about cracking the whip on investigative inefficiency.
Because, as we all know, if nothing changes, nothing changes—and that punchline is as stale as last year’s fruitcake.
Source: Justice Dept. Nears $100 Million Settlement to Larry Nassar Victims Over FBI Failures
