Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
You’ll never guess what the U.S. government just did—no, they didn’t find a cure for insomnia or fix the potholes on I-95. In a move that shocked exactly nobody, the House put their collective hive-mind together and said, “Hey! You know what Ukraine needs?
More military aid!” So, they approved $61 billion worth of it, much to the delight of… well, Ukraine, and the dismay of Russia and, presumably, American taxpayers who thought their money might be going towards something like education or healthcare. But silly them, this is the government, where the defense budget is the gift that keeps on giving!
The Breakdown
- Oh Look, More Zeros for the Defense Budget
In a shocking display of zeros, the U.S. is adding another $61 billion to their novelty-size check for Ukraine. That’s billion with a ‘B’, which I’m pretty sure stands for “boggles the mind.” - Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Catch a Taxpayer by the Toe
If they holler, let them pay! The government has got a brand-new game of international Monopoly, and guess who’s got the biggest pile of play money? - Russia’s Reaction: Well, What Did You Expect?
A standing ovation? Russia, in their classic bear-in-the-China-shop formality, is just thrilled to see their neighbor get a fresh delivery of freedom funds. - Feeding the Military-Industrial Complex: Yum Yum!
The U.S. defense contractors are probably tearing up with joy. Now they get to make more things that go boom, all while Uncle Sam sings a merry tune. - The Art of Displaying Care Through High-Explosives
Nothing says “I care about you and your sovereignty” quite like a caravan of tanks and a rainbow of missile varieties. It’s the international symbol of affection, really.
The Counter
- Money Grows on Trees, Didn’t You Know?
Don’t worry about the economy; we’ve got magical money trees growing in the backyard of the White House. Inflation is a myth, like unicorns or comfortable high heels. - Who Needs Social Programs When You Have Tanks?
Education, healthcare, social security… Pfft, overrated. Clearly, what the children of America need are not books, but a strong foreign policy, armored and ready. - Let’s Give Peace a Chance… Or Not
Sure, there’s the saying “make love, not war,” but it’s much more fun to repaint and rebrand those drones. Plus, it’s a great distraction from domestic squabbles! - The Military Fairy: Coming to a Country Near You
The fairy doesn’t bring money to boys and girls; this one drops off exquisite samples from the latest in military fashion. Who needs fairy dust when you’ve got missile shrapnel? - Happiness is Just an Explosive-Away
Forget therapy and self-care Sundays. The real key to contentment? Sending high-grade military assistance to foreign conflicts. Instant serotonin boost!
The Hot Take
Isn’t it just heartwarming to know your hard-earned dollars are going to such a noble cause as global… stability? Just think of it as investing in prosperity, except it’s not your prosperity, and the dividends are more likely to go boom. But don’t you worry about the details! Your role as a citizen is to work, pay taxes, and relish the thought that you’re part of something bigger—a worldwide drama that never seems to end.
So what’s our liberal blueprint to fix this? Let’s start with a bake sale for defense funding. Why not? It’s quaint, it’s capitalist, and it’s totally Americana. Brownies for bombers, anyone? Next, why don’t we put a bit more ‘care’ in ‘military care package?’ I’m thinking soothing bath bombs (the fizzy kind, not the destructive kind) and maybe a sprinkling of flower seeds with those rifles. Because who doesn’t love the smell of gunpowder mixed with the sweet aroma of roses?
Lastly, can we please start a new reality show? “Dancing with the Defense Budget,” where every episode, we take a bit of the defense money and cha-cha it over to teachers, healthcare workers, and the environment. Just wait for the episode where the Pentagon has to freestyle with Medicare. Ratings gold!
And if that doesn’t work, we can always go back to the good old days of chanting “Give Peace a Chance.” I hear it’s making a comeback, right after vinyl and common sense.
Source: House approves $61 billion in military aid for Ukraine, much to the chagrin of Russia
