Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Breakdown
Before we strap on our boots and wade into the muck that is the latest chapter in the saga of Donald Trump’s legal escapades, let’s pause and set the stage. In a symphony of what seems to be constant, audible panic, Trump’s trial attorneys are reportedly slam-dancing the panic button like it’s the last call at an open bar. The kind of frenzy you’d expect when someone’s shouting “fire” in a theater, or in this case, maybe “fraud” in a courtroom?
- The Sound of Alarm Bells (Or Are Those Cash Registers?)
- Who needs a morning alarm when you’ve got the sweet, sweet sound of Trump’s trial attorneys blasting the panic siren? Now, I’m not saying they’re panicking because they’ve realized they’re steering the Titanic post-iceberg encounter. But the scuttlebutt is they’re scrambling like squirrels before winter, which, if you ask me, is oddly reassuring in a chaotic world.
- Who needs a morning alarm when you’ve got the sweet, sweet sound of Trump’s trial attorneys blasting the panic siren? Now, I’m not saying they’re panicking because they’ve realized they’re steering the Titanic post-iceberg encounter. But the scuttlebutt is they’re scrambling like squirrels before winter, which, if you ask me, is oddly reassuring in a chaotic world.
- Legal Jargon Jamboree
- It appears the attorneys have been throwing legal jargon around like beads at Mardi Gras in the hopes something will stick. And I’m willing to bet that their legal briefs are as tightly wound as my nerves were when I found out that “The Apprentice” was a thing.
- It appears the attorneys have been throwing legal jargon around like beads at Mardi Gras in the hopes something will stick. And I’m willing to bet that their legal briefs are as tightly wound as my nerves were when I found out that “The Apprentice” was a thing.
- The “Who Needs Evidence?” Strategy
- “Evidence? We don’t need no stinking evidence!” seems to be the battle cry — because who needs hard facts when you have the court of public opinion, am I right? Their argument might have less meat on it than a vegan BBQ, but boy, do they sell it with confidence!
- “Evidence? We don’t need no stinking evidence!” seems to be the battle cry — because who needs hard facts when you have the court of public opinion, am I right? Their argument might have less meat on it than a vegan BBQ, but boy, do they sell it with confidence!
- Fundraising for Dummies (and Lawyers)
- You’ve got to admire the hustle. Trump’s legal team’s plea for funds is as relentless as a teenager begging for V-Bucks. They could give those late-night infomercials a run for their money. “Donate now and we’ll throw in this beautiful set of steak knives.”
- You’ve got to admire the hustle. Trump’s legal team’s plea for funds is as relentless as a teenager begging for V-Bucks. They could give those late-night infomercials a run for their money. “Donate now and we’ll throw in this beautiful set of steak knives.”
- The Art of Distraction
- If you ever wanted to take a master class in distraction, Trump’s trial attorneys are your go-to. They’ve turned deflection into an art form that could put Banksy to shame. “Look over there! Is that Hillary’s emails?” No, it’s just the Constitution weeping quietly in the corner.
- If you ever wanted to take a master class in distraction, Trump’s trial attorneys are your go-to. They’ve turned deflection into an art form that could put Banksy to shame. “Look over there! Is that Hillary’s emails?” No, it’s just the Constitution weeping quietly in the corner.
The Counter
- The “Everyone Is Out to Get You” Defense
- Clearly, the best approach is to assume everyone is out to get you because nothing says “innocence” like a healthy dose of paranoia. Spoiler alert: The Illuminati, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster just might be subpoenaed next.
- Clearly, the best approach is to assume everyone is out to get you because nothing says “innocence” like a healthy dose of paranoia. Spoiler alert: The Illuminati, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster just might be subpoenaed next.
- A Showman’s Guide to Litigation
- The Alternative Facts Playbook
- Who said fiction can’t be used in the courtroom? As Mark Twain once almost certainly didn’t say, “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” It’s like “Big Fish” in a suit and power tie – pure entertainment!
- Who said fiction can’t be used in the courtroom? As Mark Twain once almost certainly didn’t say, “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” It’s like “Big Fish” in a suit and power tie – pure entertainment!
- Crowdfunding Your Way Out of Trouble
- Imagine a world where every legal predicament could be solved by a Kickstarter campaign. “Help me, I’m being sued” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Pledge now and get exclusive behind-the-scenes updates from the courtroom!
- Imagine a world where every legal predicament could be solved by a Kickstarter campaign. “Help me, I’m being sued” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Pledge now and get exclusive behind-the-scenes updates from the courtroom!
- Diversionary Tactics for the Modern Era
- Who has time for due process when you’ve got smoke bombs (figuratively, of course) to throw around? It’s like a magic show; while you’re busy watching the left hand, the right hand is… well, still trying to find a coherent defense.
- Who has time for due process when you’ve got smoke bombs (figuratively, of course) to throw around? It’s like a magic show; while you’re busy watching the left hand, the right hand is… well, still trying to find a coherent defense.
The Hot Take
I’ve always said that if you’re going to fix a leak, you’d best be sure to know plumping, or at least… not make the hole bigger. So, my hot take? Let’s replace those high-priced suits with something more substantial.
I’m thinking a liberal dose of accountability, a pinch of reality, and maybe, just maybe, a smidgen of truth serum for flavor. And if all else fails, let’s crowdsource a legal fund to give Lady Justice her day at the spa – Lord knows she’s earned it with the circus she’s had to preside over.
