Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Source: Ben Carson Praises Trump With Bonkers Biblical Comparison
The Details
In an absurd twist that almost makes you wish reality was a prank show, Ben Carson decided to publicize his admiration for the former President by likening him to biblical heroes. Now, I’ve read the Bible a few times – it’s got fire, brimstone, and some good old-fashioned morality lessons. But if you think Donald Trump fits in those pages, then you might as well throw Harry Potter into the mix for a more believable narrative. In what universe does Carson’s comparison hold water? About as much as a colander, I’d say.
The Breakdown
- The Prophetic Delusion: Apparently, Dr. Ben Carson, a man of medicine, somehow diagnosed Trump with a case usually reserved for the sages of ancient times. Because nothing says “I’ve got a handle on reality” quite like comparing modern-day policies on immigration to the divine wisdom of biblical prophets.
- Specifics: Carson extolled Trump’s virtues, including his “common sense” and “courage to express it,” a remarkable diagnosis considering his patient’s symptoms often include an allergy to fact-checking.
- Divining the Divine: Trump’s been called many things, but a biblical figure? That’s a new one. I wonder if Moses had the same hairstyle issues when parting the Red Sea?
- Specifics: Ben must’ve skipped the part about humility and serving others in his Bible because those chapters don’t exactly scream “Trump.” But hey, who’s counting?
- Biblical Boundaries: Building walls might seem like a hobby for someone with enough gold to buy a hardware store, but equating it to the work of Nehemiah rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem is the kind of stretch that would make a yoga teacher cringe.
- Specifics: Jerusalem, an ancient city needing protection, and a modern democratic country with complex immigration issues are apparently the same thing if you squint hard enough and have never read a history book.
- Tax Return Tablets: If the biblical comparisons weren’t enough, let’s remember the tax returns, the most elusive scriptural artifacts since the actual tablets. Maybe they’re hidden in a very exclusive promised land called “audit.”
- Specifics: We’ve seen religious fervor before, but it turns out financial transparency might just be the Tenth Plague; avoided at all costs.
- Divine Right of Kings: We’ve come full circle back to an era where rulers are ordained by God, a concept as outdated as the idea that the Earth is flat. Hopefully, nobody tells Trump he needs to lead a crusade, or we’ll be in for a heck of a sequel.
- Specifics: The implied divine endorsement mentioned by Carson suggests a parallel to kings who ruled by “divine right.” Because when I think of Trump, the next logical step is obviously King Solomon, right?
The Counter
- The Hair-etical Comparison: You thought Samson’s strength was in his hair? Think again. It’s the power to dodge personal tax inquiries and impeachment trials where the real muscle lies.
- Specifics: Let’s cut to the chase: If hair had biblical strength, Trump’s comb-over would be heralded on Mount Sinai.
- The Sermon on the Mount(ains of Debt): Blessed are the poor, for they shall inherit national debt while the rich get tax cuts. Wait, that wasn’t the beatitude we learned.
- Specifics: The way the rich get their loopholes, you’d think they were written on stone tablets. Lo and behold, the gospel according to tax evasion.
- Parting the Political Sea: Just like Moses, Trump had the uncanny ability to part things. Instead of the sea, though, it was the nation’s opinion. A modern-day miracle, indeed.
- Specifics: If division were a divine act, then perhaps Trump is on to something. Unfortunately for him, history wasn’t penned by the winners this time.
- The Feeding of the 5000… Lies: Who needs five loaves and two fish when you have a Twitter account that can feed the masses with falsehoods on a biblical scale?
- Specifics: Breaking news: Social media algorithms are the new loaves and fishes, multiplying engagement through bread-crumb trails of fabrications.
- Walking on Watergate: Trump’s uncanny teflon-like ability to walk away from scandals unscathed has us ready to check if he’s wearing divine floaties.
- Specifics: You’d have denied it thrice by morning, too, if you had to keep up with all those scandals. It’s not walking on water; it’s skating on thin legal ice.
The Hot Take
Alright folks, buckle up for The Hot Take express departing from Crazytown, courtesy of Dr. Ben Carson. He gave it his best shot casting Trump as a figure from the good book, but the audience seems to be dying for an intermission. Here’s my liberal sermon: Maybe it’s time we turn our focus away from glorifying earthly kings and instead start dealing with the sermons that actually matter – like caring for the least among us, stewarding the Earth, and replacing walls with bridges. And let’s be honest, the only thing we should be building walls around are our personal data to keep them safe from the prying eyes of the almighty tech gods. It’s high time we leave biblical comparisons in Sunday School where they belong, and keep our politics grounded in, I don’t know, reality? But that’s just my two cents before the collection plate comes around.
