Parents Discover Kids on Social Media, Tech CEOs Brace for Mass Groundings

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Source: Parent anger at social media companies boils over ahead of tech CEO hearing

The Details

In the far, far away land of Parentopolis, the torches are being lit, and pitchforks are being sharpened as the minions of concern, aka parents, reach the boiling point in their simmering pot of rage against the big, bad Bogeymen of Silicon Valley.

It turns out that social media platforms – the same places where you watch cat videos and stalk your ex – are supposedly corrupting the youth, much to the chagrin of parents who, until recently, thought ‘TikTok’ was the sound a clock makes.

And as we inch closer to that delightful circus – the tech CEO hearing, promised meltdowns rival only the finale of Game of Thrones in their potentially dramatic disappointment.

The Breakdown

1. Children Are on Social Media? Shocking!
   • In news that must have been delivered by carrier pigeon, parents have just figured out that kids are using social media. I guess after they finally looked up from their own phones and noticed little Timmy was deep into his 5th hour of the ‘floor is lava challenge’.
2. Tech CEOs Summoned to the Principal’s Office
   • The Almighty Defenders of Young Minds have summoned the CEOs of tech companies to answer for their crimes against humanity, because nothing screams ‘problem solved’ like a well-publicized grilling from people who need their interns to explain how ‘The Twitter’ works.
3. Are Algorithms Eating Your Children?
   • Alarm has been raised that algorithms are apparently munching on young impressionable brains. Parents now believe that AI is not only taking jobs but also actively recruiting their kids into the Borg collective, ignoring the fact that their teenager can’t even be recruited to take out the trash.
4. The Promise of a Brave New World: Ads Everywhere!
   • Critics finger-wag at social media platforms for running ads aimed at kiddos. Because heaven forbid they become consumers in a consumer-driven society. What’s next? Ads on school buses? Sponsored book reports? Toddlers endorsing teething rings?
5. Big Brother Loves Your Kids (But Not in a Creepy Way)
   • Privacy concerns are bubbling up because tech companies might know more about your children than you do. Ironically, this comes from the same folks who proudly broadcast their baby’s first poop on Facebook. But I guess it’s different when Big Brother isn’t invited to the potty party.

The Counter

1. Because Parental Control Is So Last Century
   • Why take responsibility for monitoring your child’s online activities when you can blame the tech overlords? Isn’t it obvious they should parent your children and create a utopian digital nanny state?
2. Karen’s and Chad’s Rebellion
   • The parental lynch mob is sharpening their hashtags, ready to take down the emperors of the internet as if a clever tweet ever solved anything besides making us laugh and roll our eyes.
3. The Tech Heads Will Roll
   • Let’s crucify the CEOs in public because nothing says justice like a modern-day social media-fueled guillotine. We all know a good cyber-shaming fixes everything.
4. Save the Trees, Ignore the Screens
   • Can you even call yourself a parent if you don’t blame your children’s screen addiction on someone else? It’s obviously not the endless hours you let them play instead of, you know, planting trees or reading Tolstoy.
5. Bring Back the Good Ol’ Days
   • Let’s return to the golden age when kids played outside until the streetlights came on, and the only screens they watched were the size of a microwave. Because back then, nobody ever complained about children’s pastimes…oh, wait.

The Hot Take

In conclusion, what we clearly need is a liberal sprinkling of good, old-fashioned regulation, mixed with a delicious side of tech company public shaming to solve this oh-so-modern dilemma.

Let’s just force the tech titans to program our future offspring with liberal arts degrees directly into their noggin’. Just think of the possibilities: an entire generation immune to cat videos and impervious to clickbait, all while discussing the existential themes in Tolstoy’s lesser-known works. And if all else fails, let’s just reset the internet – according to most tech support, turning it off and on again should work, right?