Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Source: ‘It’s whack’: How ‘Big Lie’ candidates in MI and PA wreaked havoc on GOP politics
The Details
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive with bald-faced election fibs. As if the ghosts of political past, present, and future came together for a grand old party piñata bash, the “Big Lie” aficionados in Michigan and Pennsylvania decided that facts were merely suggestions—much like those signs that say “Do Not Touch” in museums. The museum security guards (or in this case, the few remaining sensible souls in the GOP) watch in horror as these candidates run amok, rewriting history with the finesse of a toddler wielding a crayon on your freshly painted living room wall.
The Breakdown
- Sensing the true spirit of the times: It seems these political masterminds sniffed the air, detected the faint whiff of conspiracy, and like a bloodhound on the scent, bolted off into the wild yonder, barking up every wrong tree they could find.
- Specifically, their keen senses led them away from election integrity and into the bewildering forest of fantasy where trees have eyes and the ground is made of cheese.
- A love letter to chaos: Nothing says “I adore you” like throwing electoral norms out the window and shouting after them, “You’ve never looked better!”
- Fact-checkers need not apply: Who needs those pesky fact-checkers anyway? They’re just downers at the disinformation party.
- The candidates embraced a world where the number of election fraud claims is directly proportional to creativity, not truthfulness, crafting tall tales that would make Baron Munchausen blush.
- Democracy, schmocracy: In their inch-deep, mile-wide understanding of governance, our main characters took a gander at democracy and declared, “Eh, it’s overrated.”
- This thrilling embrace of autocratic jest relishes in the fantastical notion that elections are as easy to undo as a Velcro shoe, ignoring the laces of legislative procedure and legal precedent.
- The electoral equivalent of a messy break-up text: Convinced that break-up texts are just as eloquent as face-to-face conversations, the “Big Lie” ensemble delivers a messy, emoji-filled monologue about their “stolen” love affair with victory.
- They don’t just burn bridges, they napalm them, doing to political relationships what Godzilla does to Tokyo—except with less finesse and more flamethrowers.
The Counter
- Alternate realities can be fun, right?: In the spirit of universal equality, why not give delusions their day in court? All alternate realities deserve their 15 minutes of fame!
- From flat-Earth advocates to those who believe their morning cup of joe is a government surveillance device—it’s a free-for-all, and everyone’s invited to the buffet of baloney!
- There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team,’ but there’s two in ‘conspiracy’: Working together is hard, but sowing seeds of discord under the righteous banner of a conspiracy is the group project we never knew we needed.
- Reject the common good’s bland casserole for the spicy potluck of paranoia, where every dish comes with a side of suspicion!
- Verifiable facts are so last century: Facts had their moment, and it was cute, but let’s embrace the intangible. Who doesn’t delight in the charming embrace of a shadowy insinuation?
- Who’s got time for boring old facts when speculation and rumor have so much more pizzazz?
- Democracy’s just a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ story: Don’t like the election results? Turn to page 64 where you’ve won in a landslide!
- Skip the tediousness of vote counting and leap directly to the twist ending where every decision is vindicated by the almighty “gut feeling!”
- Why walk the path when you can bulldoze through the forest?: Who needs to follow the cleared trail when you can pave your own way through uncharted territory with the sheer force of your convictions?
- The audacity to redefine reality gives us the compelling “bull in a china shop” strategy, where subtlety is for the weak and the tableware never stood a chance.
The Hot Take
In a grand revelation that will shock absolutely no one with functioning synapses, I propose a radical solution: treating an infection with antibiotics rather than leeches. Yes, my dear Shakespearean villains in this comedy of errors, it’s time to apply the antiseptic of truth to the festering wound of deception—lest gangrene set in and we’re forced to amputate the whole limb.
We bring back the long-lost art of fact-checking, a mystical practice that involves actually verifying what comes out of mouths and landing on paper. We teach civics as if our democracy depends on it—because guess what, it does. We turn off the reality TV drama of election conspiracies and for heaven’s sake, we start acting like adults entrusted with the keys to the candy shop, rather than toddlers throwing a tantrum because they think someone else got a bigger lollipop.
So, in the spirit of Lewis Black, let’s grab a whiskey or two, have a laugh at the absurdity, and then roll up our sleeves and get to work. Democracy has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up, and it’s high time we respect it.
