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Source: Mass. State Ballot Law Commission dismisses challenges to Donald Trump’s eligibility
The Details
So, the Massachusetts State Ballot Law Commission decided that challenges to Donald Trump’s eligibility to be on the ballot for president were about as substantial as a chocolate teapot. And you’ve got to love the irony here, folks, because if there’s one thing we learned from the past, it’s that eligibility questions are just the undercard in the big circus of American politics.
In a turn of events that could only happen in the land where reality and satire are indistinguishable, they’ve given good ol’ Trump the green light, saying “Come on in—the political waters are just fine!”
Hold on to your hats, folks, because in a state bluer than a smurf at a jazz festival, Trump’s eligibility was up for debate because, why not? After all, if politics were logical, comedians like me would be out of a job, and we can’t have that, can we?
The Breakdown
- Trump Gets A Golden Ticket to Massachusetts—Willy Wonka, Who?
- Just imagine the Oompa Loompas dancing to the tune of “Donald’s got a pass again.” Because that’s essentially what happened. Some hoped to see Trump get a golden goose egg, but instead, he’s been handed a golden ticket to the chocolate factory that is the Massachusetts election.
- Just imagine the Oompa Loompas dancing to the tune of “Donald’s got a pass again.” Because that’s essentially what happened. Some hoped to see Trump get a golden goose egg, but instead, he’s been handed a golden ticket to the chocolate factory that is the Massachusetts election.
- “Eligibility” Must Be Spelled “Irony” In Massachusetts
- It’s as if question marks have been banned from the state, especially the ones following “Is Trump eligible?” It’s the perfect plot twist in a state known for its historical witch hunts, except this time, no one’s getting dunked in the water.
- It’s as if question marks have been banned from the state, especially the ones following “Is Trump eligible?” It’s the perfect plot twist in a state known for its historical witch hunts, except this time, no one’s getting dunked in the water.
- Challenges Against Trump Tossed Out Like Bad Clam Chowder
- Just toss those challenges right into Boston Harbor, because the commission said those eligibility complaints were less New England Clam Chowder and more just…water.
- Just toss those challenges right into Boston Harbor, because the commission said those eligibility complaints were less New England Clam Chowder and more just…water.
- Massachusetts: Where Ballot Law Is More Elusive Than a Sox Winning Streak
- Sometimes you have to wonder if there’s a secret codex to understand Massachusetts ballot laws. Only the chosen few can decode it, and clearly, they’re not sharing their secrets with the commoners.
- Sometimes you have to wonder if there’s a secret codex to understand Massachusetts ballot laws. Only the chosen few can decode it, and clearly, they’re not sharing their secrets with the commoners.
- Legal Battles in the Bay State: An Olympic Sport Massachusetts Just Invented
- If you thought curling was hard to understand, just take a look at Massachusetts’ legal opus to ballot eligibility. It’s a sport no one knows the rules to, but everyone’s sure they can score big.
The Counter
- Challenges to Trump’s Eligibility: Just Like Asking for Decaf at a Boston Tea Party
- Pointless, right? It’s like walking up to the Minutemen and saying, “Hey guys, let’s not rush this revolution thing, okay?”
- Pointless, right? It’s like walking up to the Minutemen and saying, “Hey guys, let’s not rush this revolution thing, okay?”
- Trump’s Ballot Saga: As Predictable As a Nor’easter in January
- Everyone saw it coming, but still, there’s that faint, masochistic hope that maybe, just maybe, it’ll be rain instead.
- Everyone saw it coming, but still, there’s that faint, masochistic hope that maybe, just maybe, it’ll be rain instead.
- Election Laws, Schmelection Laws: Massachusetts Likes a Good Surprise
- Because who needs predictability in politics? That would take all the fun out of the guessing game.
- Because who needs predictability in politics? That would take all the fun out of the guessing game.
- “Trump Not Eligible”— Said No One Ever in Massachusetts Ballot Law
- It’s as though the term “ineligible” is just a fairy tale, told by weary campaigners to scare young volunteers around the campfire.
- It’s as though the term “ineligible” is just a fairy tale, told by weary campaigners to scare young volunteers around the campfire.
- The Art of the Ballot Challenge: Massachusetts’ New Performance Piece
- It’s like modern art. No one really gets it, but everyone nods thoughtfully, pretending they do while sipping overpriced wine.
The Hot Take
In the grand tradition of liberal problem-solving, let’s hold a fundraiser—a fancy one—with tiny hors d’oeuvres that nobody can pronounce. We’ll talk loudly about how “something must be done”, while Bob from Cambridge plays devil’s advocate just to stir the pot.
We’ll have panels where the speakers are so far left, they’re in danger of falling off the edge of the stage. Our solution? Mandatory voting booths next to every Dunkin’ Donuts in Massachusetts, and ballots as long and complicated as the list of Ben & Jerry’s flavors. Because when life gives you Trump, you make Trumpade—or was it impeachment? I forget.
