Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: Trump must pay E. Jean Carroll US$83.3 million in defamation case, jury finds
The Details
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another spectacular day in the land of lawsuits and loud personalities. Brace yourselves, folks, because it turns out that the one and only Donald Trump has been presented with a bill of US$83.3 million, courtesy of a defamation case brought against him by E. Jean Carroll.
Now isn’t that a number that makes your bank account tremble? In a turn of events that shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention for the past few years, the jury found that Trump had been a little too loose with his words, something about as rare as a tweet during his presidency.
The Breakdown
- It’s Raining Money – E. Jean Carroll Style
- Picture this: Trump, in an uproar, surrounded by a storm of dollar bills, all of which have E. Jean Carroll’s face instead of good ol’ George Washington. Because when you’ve got millions, what’s a few million more in the grand scheme of things, right?
- Defamation: It’s Not Just a River in Egypt
- It’s positively Biblical. Plagues, floods, and now defamation suits! Who knew words could cost as much as a small island? Trump’s wallet might just have to file for moral bankruptcy after this one.
- The Jury’s Verdict: Guilty of Tweeting While Angry
- They say to never go to bed angry, but I guess no one said anything about tweeting. Trump’s thumbs have finally met their match, and it seems like they’ve typed their way into an eight-figure payment.
- Free Speech Isn’t Free… It’s $83.3 Million
- Who knew speaking your mind could lead to the most expensive words you’ve ever spoken? It turns out there’s a pretty hefty price tag on the T word (Truth? Nope, Trump), and it rings up more than most of us will earn in multiple lifetimes.
- Judge’s Gavel Drop: More Satisfying Than a Mic Drop
- Here’s a thought: maybe replace “The Apprentice” with “The Gavel” and watch as the judge lays down the law, episode after judging episode. Sorry Donald, you’re not in the boardroom anymore.
The Counter
- Defamation? More Like Def-a-nation, Am I Right?
- Clearly, what we’re dealing with here is the sorest loser in the game of “Who said what?” Since when did good old-fashioned trash talk cost more than the budget of a small TV show?
- 83 Million Monopoly Money
- If only Trump could pay the settlement in Trump Steaks or bottled water, he’d be golden. Guess he’s wishing now that Monopoly money could be exchanged at the bank. Now that’s a game show I’d watch.
- Tweet-Twaddle Turns into Treasure
- Never underestimate the power of the tweet, kids. It can metamorphose into gold! Or at least, E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer probably thinks so.
- It’s Not Defamation If You Believe It
- In the Twitterverse, where opinions masquerade as facts, one man’s “defamation” is another’s bedtime story. I mean, if it’s tweeted with conviction, does it really count?
- The Real Victim? Trump’s Bank Account
- Let’s observe a moment of silence for the real casualty in this scenario: Trump’s staggering wealth. How it must suffer, whittling away under the harsh conditions of legal retribution.
The Hot Take
How do we fix the problem? I’ve got a couple brilliant ideas. First off, how ’bout we introduce a brand new reality show called “Defame or No Defame?” where instead of dealing with civil cases in court, we let the audience vote. Adding insult to injury has never been so public!
Or better yet, let’s standardize defamatory payments based on Twitter followers. The more followers you have, the more you pay for each character of libel. Let’s make Twitter the new stock market!
At the end of the day, maybe the true solution lies in teaching proper social media etiquette – call it “Tweeting 101”. It’s all fun and gains until someone loses a few million, right? And remember, if you can’t say anything nice, for heaven’s sake, keep it to 280 characters or less and always think before you tweet!
