Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Source: Trump tells Supreme Court that Jack Smith’s rush to trial reveals ‘appearance of partisanship’
The Details
In the world of politics, former President Donald Trump decides to play the ultimate Uno reverse card—he tells the Supreme Court that the speedy trial of him ordered by Special Counsel Jack Smith reeks of a partisan stench.
Apparently, rushing to get a former president in court is a no-no in the Trump book of fair play. And so, the saga that outlasts the popularity of fidget spinners continues, with Trump and his band of loyalists suggesting that the justice system is starting to look like it has a personal vendetta rather than serving up impartial justice.
The Breakdown
- Speedy Gonzalez Has Nothing on Jack Smith – The Special Counsel, Jack Smith’s rush to trial could make the Road Runner look lethargic. But in the politico-cartoon world, Trump is suggesting that Smith’s speed is less ‘meep-meep’ and more ‘heep-heep of bias’.
Specified Smirk: In the hare versus the hair, Trump is playing the role of the tortoise, betting that slow and steady wins the race (and in this case, that slow and steady means never getting to the finish line).
- Supreme Court Speed Dating – In a blockbuster episode of legal matchmaking, Trump is asking the highest court in the land for a chance to put the brakes on what he calls partisan infatuation.
Lovestruck Legislation: If the Supreme Court were swiping left or right, Trump is hoping for a match made in jurisprudence heaven, where ‘speed dating’ becomes ‘let’s take it slow’.
- The Appearance of Partisanship is Like the Appearance of Ghosts – Apparently, just the idea that there might be partisanship is enough to spook the Trump team. It’s ‘phantasmic’ logic: if you think it’s haunted, run!
Boo Who?: Trump channels his inner Scooby-Doo, suggesting that behind the mask of a speedy trial is a villainous partisan plot, and he’s ready to call in the Mystery Inc. gang to prove it.
- The Trump Time Continuum – For someone who’s been in the limelight for the better part of a zillion news cycles, Trump’s notion of time is fascinating. According to Trump, legal time should be more glacial, less Usain Bolt.
Clock Blocking: Trump is essentially asking for a narrative so slow, it gives viewers enough time to forget what the story was about in the first place.
- Bring In the Biased Referee – There’s nothing like claiming the referee is biased before the game even starts to really show your confidence in winning fairly.
False Start: Team Trump essentially calls for a false start penalty on the whole process, claiming the umpire is wearing the other team’s jersey under the black robe.
The Counter
- Partisan or Not, The Clock’s Still Ticking – Time waits for no man, not even presidents. The sand in the hourglass might just be Jack Smith’s secret weapon.
Counter Time: While the Trump team plays for timelessness, the counter-move plays the clock like a fiddle—tick tock, Mr. Trump.
- Let’s Take a Slow Walk on the Beach – Trump aims to replace ‘rushing to justice’ with ‘a leisurely jaunt on the sandy shores of legal proceedings’. Because nothing screams innocent like extended long walks.
Malibu Moment: Picture this: the Supreme Court wearing flip flops and sorting evidence while sipping pina coladas.
- Spectral Speculations – Here’s to partisanship specters. If you can’t see them, they definitely exist, right? Just like my girlfriend who lives in Canada.
Ghosted: Trump’s legal team prefers a legal system where the fear of something unseen is ground enough for dismissal.
- Snail Mail Delivering Justice – If the Trump defense had a mascot, it’d be a snail carrying the mail—because we all miss the era of month-long letter deliveries for urgent news.
Postal Service: The request is basically asking for a return to carrier pigeons in an email age.
- Biased Referees Everywhere – Trump never saw a referee he didn’t think was biased, unless they were blatantly on his side. It’s a sports fantasia where everyone is out to get you.
Home Field Advantage: Mr. Trump would like the comfort of a stadium where the cheerleaders are all wearing MAGA pom-poms.
The Hot Take
So, how do we fix this carousel of complaints and conspiracy theories? It’s simple: We embrace the absurdity. Let’s slow down the justice system to a pace where glaciers overtaking us is a concern. Let’s have trials by campfire storytelling, where evidence is presented through interpretive dance and verdicts are given via ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors.’
And whenever someone screams ‘bias,’ let’s throw confetti—it’s a party, after all. We could use a little bit of nonsense in a world that sometimes takes itself way too seriously. After all, it’s not like democracy is at stake… oh, wait.
