Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details:
If you thought Philadelphia was all about brotherly love and historical landmarks, then you’ve clearly never taken a stroll through Kensington. This neighborhood could easily be mistaken for an outdoor performance of The Walking Dead, except the zombies here are real and the dealers are the ones yelling, “Action!” Kensington is where hope takes a nosedive into a puddle of cheap heroin, and the lucky residents get a front-row seat to the opioid apocalypse.
The Breakdown:
- Heroin Chic Has A Whole New Meaning: Believe it or not, it’s no longer a fashion statement among the tragically hip – it’s the look of desperation smeared across the face of Kensington. And let’s not forget the accessory that everyone’s sporting: the irresistibly stylish overdose.
Here comes the glamorous part: needles are the new black. Who needs designer labels when you’ve got the hot Kensington brand of track marks? And overdoses? They’re just the universe’s cruel way of keeping the population down, because heaven forbid, we have too many addicts spoiling the view.
- A Zombie Apocalypse Without the Box Office Thrills: In Kensington, you don’t need to pay for a horror movie experience; it’s free and on a continuous loop. Addicts roam the streets, a sight more grotesque than anything Hollywood makeup artists could conjure up.
Watch in awe as the local inhabitants perform their daily shuffle—through trash-filled streets and past buildings that seem to be competing in a “who can crumble the fastest” contest. Meanwhile, the spectators, also known as “the community,” are treated to a show that frankly, no one subscribed to.
- Tranq: The New Street Cred: Move over crack, there’s a new sheriff in town named Tranq! It’s not enough to simply flirt with death anymore; these thrill-seekers are double-dipping in a deadly cocktail that tosses them into a tranquilized stupor.
Why settle for regular old heroin, when you can have it cut with xylazine, a veterinary sedative? Nothing screams ‘badass’ like using a drug designed for large animals. Who needs horses when you have enough Tranq to sedate the entire Kentucky Derby lineup?
- Narcan: The EpiPen For Heroin Enthusiasts: In the rare event that someone actually wants to save these lost souls from their high-flying adventures, Narcan is the miracle that’s cheaper than a Happy Meal.
It’s like a game of opioid Whac-A-Mole; as soon as someone drops, another concerned citizen pops up with a life-saving spray. The problem is, some of these moles have been whacked one too many times, and they’re starting to enjoy it.
- Neighborhood Watch, Now With More Watching: In Kensington, the neighborhood watch program has a twist. Instead of preventing crime, the locals get to watch it unfold like a binge-worthy Netflix series. Who needs television when you’ve got live action addiction, despair, and crime 24/7?
Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and gaze upon the majesty of urban decay. Kensington residents are provided the unique opportunity to observe natural selection in its purest form.
The Counter:
- Heroin? More Like ‘Hero-win’ for Big Pharma: Oh, how noble Big Pharma must feel, effectively monetizing misery. And don’t worry, Kensington is just the pilot episode for this nationwide syndication.
Let’s give a round of applause to the pharmaceutical industry for their innovation in addiction. What would America do without its daily dose of despair?
- Let’s Build More Walls, That’ll Keep the Drugs Out: Sure, a wall will stop the flow of drugs into the country, just like a colander is great for holding water.
You know what they say, “When there’s a wall, there’s a way!” And by way, I mean a tunnel, a catapult, or a really, really good throwing arm.
- Narcan Schmarcan, Just Let ‘Em Ween Off Naturally: Natural selection seems to be doing wonders for the deer population; why not apply it to humans too?
Forget lifesaving drugs and treatments. Instead, let nature take its course – it’s organic, GMO-free, and what could be more holistic than a good ol’ overdose?
- The Bucks Stop Here, But Not The Buck Passing: Accountability is great—as long as it’s someone else’s. Local government? Federal policies? Healthcare system? Nah, just blame the addicts. They should have chosen a better socioeconomic status.
It’s much easier to point fingers than to offer a hand. After all, responsibility is so much heavier than criticism.
- If You Watch It, They Will Come: Instead of addressing the problem, let’s enhance the viewing experience. Maybe add commentary and score cards?
Kensington could redefine live entertainment. Think of the potential for a theme park: JunkieLand, where the rides are real and the fun never stops.
The Hot Take:
What Kensington needs is not just a hot take, but a flaming inferno of sarcasm. The solution is simple: start treating addiction like the chronic disease that it is. Take a page from the world of marketing and rebrand Narcan as the “Opioid Oopsy-Daisy Spray.” Then we could subsidize it with every Happy Meal, because who doesn’t want a side of salvation with their fries?
Let’s get a little crazy and suggest that maybe—just maybe—investing in affordable housing, decent jobs, and proper healthcare could be more effective than the current strategy of “hope and pray.” And finally, let’s take all that money we put into drug wars and pump it into recovery wars, with the same intensity and budget of a Michael Bay movie.
Source: In Philadelphia’s Kensington neighborhood, heroin is far from ‘chic’
