Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
Oh, woe betide the fragile snowflakes of Wall Street, for they have been scorned by their shining knight, Kevin O’Leary. Now, if you’ve been too busy trying to figure out whether your heating bill is more pressing than your child’s college fund, you might have missed the riotous tale of O’Leary and his valiant stand against the tyranny of a ‘loser state.’ I’m talking about New York—yeah, you heard it right—the Big Apple, now apparently rotten to its core in the eyes of Mr. Wonderful. This Shark doesn’t bite; he spits, folks. And spit he did, swearing off investment in New York after his pal Trump got a court verdict that must’ve been colder than a landlord’s heart.
The Breakdown
- The Misunderstood Martyr
- Kev here has taken a bold stance, likening the fate of the Empire State to that of Atlantis. But instead of water, it’s apparently drowning in… justice? Note to self: stock up on life vests.
- Economic Savvy or Temper Tantrum?
- The Shark seems to think that his financial back-patting will bring Lady Liberty to her knees, begging for his golden coins. A penny for your thoughts, but O’Leary’s are worth billions—just ask him!
- Casting Blame with the Precision of a Grenade
- In Kevin’s court, it’s not just the ruling against Trump that’s to blame; it’s the entire New York justice system. Partisan politics in my judicial system? More likely than you think!
- The O’Leary Investment Embargo
- That’ll teach those New Yorkers! No more O’Leary moolah. Surely, the real estate market is already quivering in its boots—or would that be loafers? Bulletproof, of course.
- Will The Real Losers Please Stand Up?
- Because if not investing in New York after a verdict that hurt your feelings is winning, then someone obviously skipped the chapter on emotional intelligence in Business 101.
The Counter
- New York’s Unbridled Joy
- The citizenry is throwing a ticker-tape parade because they’ve been saved the incredible agony of hosting yet another reality TV star’s tower.
- Wall Street Weeps
- Traders are stumbling around in despair, unable to cope with the sheer absence of O’Leary’s cash in their economy.
- No Nobel for You
- The Nobel committee is positively gutted that they must now retract the Economics Prize they’d been planning to give to O’Leary for his groundbreaking ‘sour grapes’ fiscal policy.
- Impact on the Global Stage
- The United Nations has convened an emergency session to address the international crisis brewing from O’Leary’s investment ban.
- Candlelit Vigils for Lost Investments
- Investors across the state hold hands, swaying and mourning the loss of opportunities to attend board meetings that double as episode pitches for ‘Shark Tank.’
The Hot Take
Time to roll out the red carpet, because here comes the scorching conclaves of truth to burn away the mists of economic lunacy. New York, brace yourself—for the ultimate fix to all your woes is here! Let’s take a lesson from the Book of O’Leary: if someone dares to displease you, take your money and pout in a corner.
But since we’re not in the business of building sandcastles in the air, here’s a better idea—invest in education, healthcare, and infrastructure because, unlike skyscrapers with your name emblazoned in gold, those things actually make life better for the little guy. And by the way, New York, keep your statutes sturdy and your judges fair. If justice is what sends the sharks swimming away, then maybe it’s time to restock the pond with better fish.
Source: ‘Shark Tank’ star Kevin O’Leary vows to never invest in ‘loser state’ New York after Trump verdict
