Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
Oh, joyous day! In the latest twist of geopolitical name-calling, Russia has decided to slap the ‘terrorist’ label on the ever-so-subtle Senator Lindsey Graham. I mean, honestly, with a name like Lindsey, how could he not be involved in international intrigue and drama? The Kremlin, in its infinite wisdom, has Graham alongside other US officials on its updated ‘stop-list.’ I suppose they’re more into the pop-and-lock kind of list, and by pop, I mean sanctions, and by lock, I mean, well, being barred from entering Mother Russia. Who needs caviar and sub-zero temperatures, anyway?
So let’s set the scene—there’s Graham, a loud voice in U.S. politics, and Russia’s like, “Hey, we’ve seen enough of your face on C-SPAN, buddy!” Pow! Graham joins the list of nefarious folks who upset the bear by doing dastardly things like criticizing its actions or, you know, supporting democracy. It’s as though being on infomercials wasn’t enough for Lindsey; now he’s made it to international bad boy status without even releasing a hit single.
The Breakdown
- Graham Goes Global
Just when you thought Graham’s claim to fame was domestic policy and cable news soundbites, he takes it up a notch by getting the Cold War band back together with a solo act as Russia’s brand-new terrorist poster child. - Sanction Tango
Clearly avoiding his Netflix queue, Graham has been doing something right—or wrong, depending on which side of the iron curtain you’re on—to dance his way onto a list that gets you banned from vodka and bears. - In Soviet Russia, List Adds You
It’s every American politician’s dream, right after being president and before having a naval ship named after them—getting blacklisted by Russia. It’s like the Oscars, but everyone is Leonardo DiCaprio pre-2016. - Lindsey’s Terror Tour 2023
Imagine the merch possibilities: a world tour with stops at all the places you’re not welcome. T-shirts that say “I’m a terrorist, and all I got was this lousy travel ban.” - Kremlin Creates a Cloud
The cloud isn’t where you store your vacation photos; it’s now a hanging mist of disapproval over certain American politicians. How will they live without those crisp Siberian winters?
The Counter
- Lindsey Loves Leningrad
Remember that time Graham couldn’t stop talking about his summer love affair with the Hermitage Museum and the poetry of Pushkin? No? Me neither. Because it didn’t happen. - Sanctions Schmanctions
Oh no, how will Graham cope with not being able to peruse Red Square? The horror, the horror! Perhaps a trip to Disneyland will suffice as a substitute for the Kremlin tour. - Spy Novel Material
If being labeled a terrorist by Russia doesn’t kick-start Graham’s secret spy career, I don’t know what will. Ian Fleming is furiously taking notes from the afterlife. - Lost in Translations
Maybe it’s just a big misunderstanding, and by ‘terrorist,’ Russia means ‘tourist’? Perhaps they were just trying to invite him over for tea and the message got garbled? - Senator Turned Siberian
Let’s face it, Graham looks like he’s more suited for a Southern barbecue than a Siberian gulag. This ban is probably saving him from making a massive fashion faux pas with a fur ushanka.
The Hot Take
In conclusion, Senator Lindsey Graham’s induction into Russia’s elite ‘no-fly, no-spy, just-cry’ club is, of course, a serious geopolitical spat. But hey, we can solve this the liberal way—by signing him up for a Rosetta Stone account so he can charm his way back into Russia’s good graces with flawless Russian. Or we could go all out and arrange an ’80s style charity concert, “Banned-Aid,” where aging rock stars come together to sing “Do They Know It’s Sanction Time?” to raise awareness. We’ll get U2, Springsteen, maybe even see if Tchaikovsky’s ghost is free. We can bridge the divide, one sarcastic jab and power ballad at a time.
Source: Lindsey Graham Is Officially a Terrorist Now (According to Russia)
