Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In the whimsical world of legislative stagnation, where ambition goes to die a slow, bureaucratic death, we find the oft-celebrated and equally neglected Equality Act sitting in the corner, gathering dust. Three years past its fanfare-filled introduction, this beacon of hope for LGBTQ rights remains as stationary as a sloth in a coma. Proposed as a game-changer to prevent discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, it seems to have hit a snag. Or more accurately, the snag hit it, repeatedly, with the indomitable consistency of a broken record.
The Breakdown
- Legislative Limbo: Where Bills Do the Stillness Dance
Oh, Equality Act, you’ve mastered the art of immobility in a world that’s spinning wildly. You’re the legislative equivalent of refusing to join a conga line because you’re “not feeling the music”. For three years, you’ve stood so still that we’re considering nominating you as a modern art piece titled “Stasis in Congress”. - Birthday Blues: Three Years Older and None the Wiser
Every year we light the candles on the Equality Act’s cake, watch them burn down, and hope nobody notices there’s no cake, just a cardboard cutout. It’s like promising a kid a trip to Disneyland, only to take them to the dentist – every year, on their birthday. - Pride and Prejudice: The Congress Edition
It appears that in Congress, pride comes not before a fall, but before an interminable snooze fest. While the nation marches for LGBTQ rights with actual feet, congressional support seems to prefer the mermaid-style of locomotion – none at all. - Peak Enthusiasm: A Mountain of Meh
Initially, there was a cheer, a collective sigh of relief as the Equality Act was brought forth. Now that initial enthusiasm is buried under a mountain of indifference. Imagine your favorite TV show getting an unexpected new season but finding out it’s just reruns with extra ads. - The Promise-Keeping Paradox: All Talk, No Walk
If Congress were a fitness trainer, they’d be the kind that promises to get you fit but cancels every session. The Equality Act is the weight loss goal on a congressperson’s New Year’s resolution list; it’s aspirational, but who are we kidding?
The Counter
- Status Quo Hoedown
Isn’t it delightful to cherish the status quo? If something’s not broke, don’t fix it, right? Unless, of course, it’s actually broken for millions of people. But hey, if we’ve learned anything from history, it’s that slowly dragging our feet on rights has never been an issue… right? - Commitment Issues
It’s not about not loving you, dear Equality Act; it’s about not being ready for a relationship with progress. It’s not you, it’s us—we have commitment issues. Our relationship with equality is like a gym membership that looks good on paper but is never used. - The Power of Procrastination
They say procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday, and boy, has Congress turned that into a legislative strategy. Because why do today what you can put off until after the next election cycle? - Allergic to Action
Imagine Congress breaks out in hives every time they come close to actually passing a robust piece of civil rights legislation. It would explain a lot. Maybe we just need to find the right antihistamine for legislative lethargy. - The Art of the Stall
It’s not about doing nothing; it’s about the illusion of doing something while actually perfecting the art of the stall. Like a mime trapped in an invisible box, the Equality Act is part of an elaborate performance piece on Capitol Hill.
The Hot Take
In the roasting pit of perpetual postponement known as Congress, the true art is making sure nothing happens while giving eloquent speeches that should be accompanied by violin solos. The Equality Act has been playing the waiting game for so long, it could be sponsored by a board game company. It’s like telling someone who’s been on hold with customer service that their call is important to us – they’re hanging in there, but we know the Muzak’s going to cut out before they get an actual human on the line.
In terms of liberal problem-solving, let’s put on our wizard hats and conjure up a sprinkle of common sense mixed with a dash of urgency. Maybe if we made each vote in Congress as public as a Facebook relationship status, we’d see some action. Each congressman’s vote would be shared, liked, and retweeted until they got so sick of notifications, they’d pass the Equality Act just to put their phones on silent.
Source: Equality Act backers undeterred by lack of progress three years later
