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The Details
In a recent outburst that has left satire writers scrambling for work, saying the guy’s practically doing their job for them, the ex-President of the United States, Donald Trump, has promised to defund schools if they dare mandate vaccines. The political world’s very own “stand-up comedian,” and I’m using that term as loosely as Trump holds onto facts, made this declaration with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. And not just any china shop, but one where the china is made of the fragile dreams of children’s education and healthcare.
The Breakdown
- “School’s Out For Common Sense!”
What’s a minor outbreak of preventable diseases among friends, right? Trump’s plan harks back to the simpler times when the only things you caught in school were a cold from your desk mate and maybe some cooties. - “In Trump We Trust – Because Science is Overrated.”
Who needs pesky facts and data when you’ve got gut feelings and a Twitter account? Trump’s defunding threat is the equivalent of firing your doctor and Google-diagnosing based on symptoms that match a TV show plot. - “Vaccines or Funding: A Modern Sophie’s Choice.”
Schools are now in the unenviable position of choosing between receiving funds or protecting their students’ health. It’s the kind of choice you want to mull over, like deciding between eating a light bulb or a cactus. - “Learning: It’s Not Infectious.”
Fortunately, ignorance can’t be transmitted through sneezes or shared food, or we’d really be in a bind. Trump is veering away from supporting educational institutions like a vegan avoids a butcher shop. - “Your Child’s Health Is in Good Hands – Just Not Their Education’s.”
Sure, Trump might handle the health of America’s kids with all the dexterity of a toddler juggling knives, but now he’s adding education to his circus act. And remember, he’s the same guy who thinks ‘reading’ is what you do to a golf course.
The Counter
- “Detention for Diseases!”
Clearly, the best way to improve America’s schools is by introducing more measles. Attendance might drop, but hey, more space for the kids who enjoy living on the edge! - “Who Needs Experts?”
With Trump leading the charge, who even needs health experts or educators? Next, he’ll be asking fast food joints to dish out dietary advice. Oh, wait… - “Making America Gripe Again.”
And here we thought ‘MAGA’ stood for something positive. It turns out the ‘G’ stands for ‘gripe,’ about something as wild and radical as schools wanting to not be petri dishes. - “Trump U’s New Curriculum: Advanced Conspiracy Theories!”
Forget math and science. The new core subjects will include “How to Spot Fake News (Unless It’s From My Twitter)” and “The Art of the Deal… with Chicken Pox.” - “Healthcare: Who Needs It?”
Market Trump’s new healthcare plan as a gritty, bare-knuckle experience, much more thrilling than the coddled security of not contracting mumps at lunch.
The Hot Take
In a world where the biggest threat to a child’s education becomes the education system’s bank account, one has to wonder: what’s next in Trump’s masterclass of education reform? Maybe he’ll propose a new program where students learn the value of money by literally having to pay for their own desks.
The grand solution to ending the heated debate around vaccine mandates is as clear as the orange tan on Trump’s face: let’s have a bake sale, people. But instead of brownies and cookies, we’ll sell common sense and a touch of human decency. And for every chocolate chip of wisdom you ingest, you’ll feel a little less like the country’s being run by an escaped cartoon villain.
We’ll fix this grand nation one sarcastically iced cupcake at a time, and with a bit of luck and a dash of humor, we might just throw in a free vaccine with every dozen. Because if there’s one thing we Liberals know, it’s that satire is best served with a side of actual solutions – lightly seasoned with a sprinkle of outrage and a hearty dose of democracy.
Source: Trump Promises To Harm Kids By Defunding Schools With Vaccine Mandates
