Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details
In the latest episode of ‘How Not to Be Subtle,’ Marjorie Taylor Greene flexes her intimidating muscles, assuming credit for sending shivers down Joe Biden’s spine during his State of the Union address. It’s a claim that seems as legitimate as my commitment to decaf coffee.
Greene, in a revelatory act of peacocking, demonstrated her patriotic duty by ‘scaring’ the President of the United States, and by her own admission, felt deserving of an accolade for this public service. I guess this is the adult version of ‘capture the flag,’ where the flag is the perceived fear in a rival’s eyes — accessible only to those with the imagination of a six-year-old hiding under a superhero bedspread.
The Breakdown
- “I am the Shadow in the Night”: Greene seems to believe she moonlights as a DC Comics hero, standing watch over the free world, her identity concealed not by a mask, but by the sheer terror she instills in her political adversaries, which presumably includes scaring the leader of the free world.
- “Awards Season is Upon Us”: With Oscars around the corner, it’s clear that Greene’s looking for her own little golden statue. Can we introduce a category for ‘Best Performance in a Congressional Setting’? Her portrayal of ‘Politician Who Can Scare With a Glare’ is unparalleled.
- Specifics: The only thing missing from Greene’s trophy shelf is an award for Best Intimidator in a Leading Role. I propose a new statuette—a tiny golden Biden quivering in fear.
- “Now You See Me”: Borrowing inspiration from stealthy movie villains, Greene seemingly pulls a Houdini on Biden, lurking in the shadows, projecting an aura of menace. Forget the Secret Service—Congress now has its own enforcer.
- Specifics: How else could she have possibly scared the president if not by harnessing the dark arts of invisibility and mind-control? I mean, that makes as much sense as any other theory here.
- “Democracy’s New Mascot”: What better emblem for modern American politics than a leader who prides themselves in scaring the living daylights out of the opposition? Screw bald eagles; jump-scares are the new symbol of freedom.
- Specifics: Forget policy discourse and legislative achievements. If you’re not giving someone in the chamber the heebie-jeebies, are you even legislating?
- “All the President’s Phobias”: Aim high is the motto. If you can’t draft policy, draft fear. After all, isn’t the cornerstone of a functioning government the ability to unnerve those with differing opinions?
- Specifics: Who knows? Greene might publish a White House-themed horror anthology next. It’ll feature haunts and frights enshrined within the pages of congressional records — suitable for All Hallows’ Eve bedtime reading.
The Counter
- “But the President is Fearless, Right?”: Well, at least that’s the speculative mythology we’ve constructed around our Commanders-in-Chief. It’s right there in the job description: Must not be afraid of Congresspeople trying to make you jump during speeches.
- Specifics: Because clearly, the ability to induce insomnia in the leader of the free world is the benchmark for a successful term in office.
- “Lighten Up; It’s Just Tactics”: Scaring someone as strategic maneuvering is as old as time; I hear it was the favorite approach of great world leaders like Gandhi and Mandela.
- Specifics: Because nothing spells ‘respectful opposition’ quite like a plot that wouldn’t look out of place in a schoolyard game plan.
- “Fears to Cheers”: Forget about inspirational talks and unifying gestures. Silently spooking is the new cheering from the sidelines. It’s the unexpected team spirit we didn’t know we needed.
- Specifics: Evidently, the halls of Congress have mistaken the SOTU for a Halloween parade where everyone tries for the ‘Most Petrifying Politician’ prize.
- “Who Needs Policy When You Have a Stare”: Really, why get bogged down with trivial matters like governance when you have an arsenal of well-executed fright tactics at your disposal?
- Specifics: The line to enter politics now includes a screen test for the ability to pull off a ‘scare stare.’ Legislate less, intimidate more.
- “Welcome to the Boogeyman Competition”: They say politics is theatre, and, in this case, the genre is horror. It’s not about who has the best policies, but who can pull the best jump-scare.
- Specifics: Greene’s approach adds a new spin to ‘spooky action at a distance.’ Einstein would be equally horrified and intrigued.
The Hot Take
In the comedic horror show that sometimes is our political discourse, it seems we’ve hit a new stride with the immaculate conception of fear-based politics. The real fix, my dear constituents, is not in the grand gestures of trembling gazes but in the ink of the pen as it scratches across legislation.
Perhaps our dear politician would better serve the public by scaring up some actual policy improvements rather than boasting about her ability to be a human jump-scare. So let’s channel this remarkable talent into the frightfully dull arena of policy reform. Because, after all, nothing is scarier than the status quo remaining unchallenged.
Source: Marjorie Taylor Greene Wants Points for ‘Scaring’ Joe Biden at SOTU
