Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a move less surprising than finding out your grandpa uses emojis, President Joe Biden has deftly signed a $1.2 trillion funding bill into law, effortlessly sidestepping what could’ve been a calamitous government shutdown. This is akin to a Houdini escape act, but with significantly less fanfare and more sighs of relief than gasps of awe.
The funny thing—funny like a root canal, not a stand-up special—is that this dance around fiscal cliffs has become as American as baseball and overpriced healthcare. Let’s crack open this can of bureaucratically-infused worms and see what wriggles out.
The Breakdown
- The Cliffhanger That Never Hangs: Seriously, is anyone actually surprised we waited until the credits rolled before signing a bill? It’s as if Congress gets off on making C-SPAN more suspenseful than a Hitchcock thriller.
- Every year, it’s the same old drama: will they or won’t they, an ensemble cast of our favorite characters playing chicken with the budget. Spoiler alert: they always will.
- Every year, it’s the same old drama: will they or won’t they, an ensemble cast of our favorite characters playing chicken with the budget. Spoiler alert: they always will.
- Trillions, Schmillions: Once you start throwing around numbers with that many zeros, they start to sound less like real money and more like points in a never-ending game of Monopoly played by folks who never land in jail.
- One. Point. Two. Trillion. Dollars. That’s enough to buy everyone in America a couple of nice things off the Dollar Menu. Instead, we get… more government. Yay?
- One. Point. Two. Trillion. Dollars. That’s enough to buy everyone in America a couple of nice things off the Dollar Menu. Instead, we get… more government. Yay?
- Shutdown Showdown Averted (Again): We’ve averted the shutdown like it’s our day job, which, unfortunately for taxpayers, it seems to literally be for Congress.
- If the government actually shut down every time it threatened to, it would be like one of those neon Open/Closed signs in a shop window that keeps flickering because some joker keeps playing with the switch.
- If the government actually shut down every time it threatened to, it would be like one of those neon Open/Closed signs in a shop window that keeps flickering because some joker keeps playing with the switch.
- Bills, Bills, Bills: Destiny’s Child sang it best, but Biden just signed a bill that could literally pay all our bills. Instead, we’ve cemented our status as the VIP guests at the Debt Gala.
- With a bill this big, it’s shocking we haven’t splurged on anything fun. Where’s the nationwide high-speed rail or the jetpacks for all citizens? Missed opportunities, folks.
- With a bill this big, it’s shocking we haven’t splurged on anything fun. Where’s the nationwide high-speed rail or the jetpacks for all citizens? Missed opportunities, folks.
- The Fiscal Cliff Is More Like a Hill, Really: The so-called fiscal cliff seems more like a small incline we stroll up and down while debating where to build the next monument to governmental inefficiency.
- This cliff is so well-trodden it’s got a gift shop and a visitor center. And still, we act like we’re Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay ascending Everest every time.
- This cliff is so well-trodden it’s got a gift shop and a visitor center. And still, we act like we’re Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay ascending Everest every time.
The Counter
- What If We Just… Didn’t? Imagine, just for a moment, if we let the shutdown happen. It would be like hitting the pause button on a movie we’ve all seen a thousand times and secretly hate. Refreshing, right?
- There might be a silver lining in giving Capitol Hill a time-out. Think of all the naps, hobbies, and Netflix series Congress could catch up on.
- There might be a silver lining in giving Capitol Hill a time-out. Think of all the naps, hobbies, and Netflix series Congress could catch up on.
- Debt, Shmebt: Who’s Counting? With numbers this high, who’s to say where fiscal responsibility begins and Monopoly money ends?
- Think of the national debt as a game of Jenga. It’s all fun and games until someone pulls the wrong block, then it’s someone else’s problem.
- Think of the national debt as a game of Jenga. It’s all fun and games until someone pulls the wrong block, then it’s someone else’s problem.
- Fun Fact: Government Shutdowns Aren’t Fun. Despite the pomp and circumstance, these shutdown shenanigans are more tedious than titillating, more monotonous than magnificent.
- One can only dream of a world where the threat of a shutdown is met with the excitement of a snow day in elementary school.
- One can only dream of a world where the threat of a shutdown is met with the excitement of a snow day in elementary school.
- Investment Or Indulgence? They say to speculate to accumulate; well, speculating seems to be the national sport at this point. Here’s to hoping some of this cash is an investment in our future, not just another historic indulgence.
- Who knows? Maybe amidst all this splurging, we’ll accidentally finance the next big breakthrough in cupholder technology.
- Who knows? Maybe amidst all this splurging, we’ll accidentally finance the next big breakthrough in cupholder technology.
- An Ounce of Prevention? The best part about avoiding the shutdown is that nothing changes. Stasis is the new progress. If we keep preventing the fires, maybe someday we’ll learn to control the sparks.
- If this was a strategy game, we’d get points for not losing, rather than for winning. But who plays games to…win?
- If this was a strategy game, we’d get points for not losing, rather than for winning. But who plays games to…win?
The Hot Take
In classic liberal fashion, the answer is simple: throw money at the problem until it goes away or we run out of ink to print more money – whichever comes first. Sure, signing billion-dollar funding bills with the ease of flipping a pancake might stave off immediate disaster, but let’s whip out the old cookbook and look for a recipe that’s less deep-fried catastrophe and more a sensible stir-fry.
Maybe, just maybe, we could sharpen our pencils and redo the math? Instead of adding zeros, we subtract a few unnecessary expenses. You know, like the scented candles that are “essential” for every department. And hey, if we want to get bold, how about we actually fund the things we need, like education, infrastructure, and maybe even a healthcare system that doesn’t resemble a theme park attraction, expensive and not fun for most involved.
Source: Biden Signs $1.2 Trillion Funding Bill, Averting Shutdown
