Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a shocking twist that no one could have predicted unless they’ve been awake for the last four years, it turns out that our dear former Commander in Chief, Donald Trump, is not done playing Monopoly with the White House. In a daring revelation almost as surprising as the Sun rising from the East, The Mooch (Anthony Scaramucci) informs the world that Trump is looking to treat executive powers like his personal balloon animal at a kid’s birthday party: twisting them into whatever shape his heart desires. While this news might hit the masses like a leaf blowing in the wind—completely unnoticed by anyone not paying attention—it’s indeed a jolt to those of us who value democracy slightly more than a ham sandwich.
The Breakdown
- When Life Gives You Lemons, Trump Makes a Golf Course: Apparently, the former leader of the free world believes in the “go big or go home” philosophy. And since he’s already been “home” once, he’s doubling down on the “go big” part by commandeering governmental powers like they’ve got his family name emblazoned upon them.
Specifically, we’ve got The Mooch spilling the beans that Trump’s DIY attitude towards governance might just have a second act. I’d call it ‘The Apprentice: White House Edition,’ but I fear the lawsuits.
- Constitution? More like Suggestion!: Ever treated a red light more like a gentle suggestion than actual law? Well, our boy Trump treats the Constitution with comparable flexibility.
He’s got an eraser and a box of crayons ready to add a few amendments, likely starting with: ‘The President can do no wrong,’ followed closely by ‘The President can also do whatever he wants.’
- Executive Orders or Executive Disorder?: You thought “executive order” meant something enacted for the greater good, but here we are learning it’s more akin to writing your Christmas list to Santa.
Under Trump’s watch, it could’ve been, “I’ll take one wall, a side of tax cuts for the rich, and oh—hold the checks and balances, will ya?”
- The Art of the Deal or The Art of the Steal: If politics were art, Trump would be the guy selling spray paint masterpieces on the sidewalk. Except he’s not asking for spare change; he’s asking for blind allegiance.
In the scramble to secure deals that bolster his image, one has to wonder if he’s trying to win the Presidency or an Emmy for most dramatic performance in a political theatre.
- Can’t Spot the Difference Between a Kingdom and a Democracy: It seems to some of us that Trump may have mistaken ‘democratically elected president’ for ‘king of the castle,’ with America as his loyal subjects bound to his benevolent rule.
Just imagine the history books: “Once upon a time, America briefly flirted with monarchy, and all it took was a business mogul with a penchant for reality TV.”
The Counter
- Expand Powers? It’s Called Optimizing Resources!: In the land of opportunity, Trump is merely seizing every opportunity to ‘optimize’ his resources. And by resources, we mean the kind of power that would make a Sith Lord blush.
Optimization, in this context, may involve stretching the White House square footage to include the entire country. Cozy.
- The Constitution is Basically an EULA: No one reads those End User License Agreements, right? Trump’s just scrolling to the bottom and clicking ‘agree,’ except when it comes to running a country.
Furthermore, who needs a stodgy old document when you have Twitter rants? Much more 21st century.
- Executive Orders are Strategic: Some might see them as hasty whims of a capricious ruler, but they’re strategic moves in an intricate game of 4D chess. The pawns and bishops being the American people, of course.
And if you lose a few pieces along the way, that’s just collateral damage in the pursuit of making America great (again?).
- Deals are the New Diplomacy: Forget traditional diplomacy; modern problems require modern solutions. Sure, those solutions might look like a smash-and-grab, but let’s not split hairs.
Remember, it’s not stealing if it’s for a good cause—like personal enrichment. I mean, national enrichment.
- Democracy? More Like Guideocracy!: Trump’s likely thinking of democracy as more of a guiding principle. Like a pirate code, it’s more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.
Plus, everyone loves a good pirate. Or at least, the rogue-ish charm of one who plays president on TV.
The Hot Take
In the midst of our little satirical journey through the wonderland that Trump seems to think American politics should be, here’s the blazing take that’s hotter than a jalapeño on a summer day in Death Valley: To fix this constitutional conundrum, one must ensure checks and balances are not just fancy terms in a textbook.
Engagement in local politics, supporting candidates who believe in the sanctity of the Constitution, and remembering to vote as though your life—or at least your Netflix subscription—depends on it might just be the starter kit to keep democracy from becoming a reality show nobody signed up for, but everyone’s forced to watch.
Sure, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an amendment, so let’s take a moment to hash out how to ensure that the American experiment doesn’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight—because believe it or not, democracy is more than just a concept we applaud in Broadway musicals.
Source: Scaramucci: Trump will do ‘everything he can to expand executive powers’
