New Jersey Tackles Ballot Reform: No More Hide-and-Go-Vote Shenanigans!

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Ah, the Garden State, where the turnpike smells like freedom and the ballot system is as complicated as a teenager’s love life. In the latest scene of Jersey’s electoral soap opera, a judge has weighed in on the contentious “who gets to be the prom king or queen” of primary ballots. It’s democracy meets high school drama, folks, so let’s slice this Gordian knot with the finesse of a plastic spork.

The Breakdown:

• New Jersey’s Version of ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’:
  • Talk about eenie meenie miney mo, the NJ ballot system has its own version—where choosing the ballot position is less about fairness and more about “Where can we stick this candidate so they can’t possibly win?” The recent ruling basically said, “Nice try, but let’s not turn ballot placement into a game of Battleship.”
    
    
• Candidate Hide and Seek: Who’s on First?:
  • Ah, the thrill of primary elections where it’s sometimes easier to find Waldo than your preferred candidate. New Jersey decided, “Why not up the ante?” and place favorites in a spot where they literally trip on them, while challengers are hidden behind a political game of hide-and-seek.
    
    
• The Mighty Incumbency Shield:
  • Oh, those poor incumbents, always under threat. Not in NJ! Here, they’ve got a shield stronger than Captain America’s—made out of prime ballot real estate. The latest court adventure might just be throwing a wrench into this age-old tradition. Incumbents are shaking in their loafers!
    
    
• ‘Column A’ for Alpha, ‘Column Z’ for… Zilch?:
  • Column A is for winners, Column Z is for… who cares? Underdogs better have a magical map to let voters know where to find them, because visibility is so passé. NJ said, “If you can navigate our ballots, congrats, you’re probably qualified to decode the Rosetta Stone.”
    
    
• The Ballot Bermuda Triangle:
  • Ever heard of the Bermuda Triangle? New Jersey’s primary ballots are its electoral equivalent—candidates enter and some may never be seen again. But a judge decided it’s time for a GPS signal out of there, leaving political strategists to navigate these mysterious waters with less mischief.
    

The Counter:

• But Confusion is Tradition!:
  • Who doesn’t love a good ol’ bout of disorientation when performing their civic duty? Nothing like the adventure of a confusing ballot to spice up one’s day. It’s like tradition – and aren’t traditions supposed to be preserved, not understood?
    
    
• Incumbents Need Love Too:
  • Aren’t the incumbents the real victims here? After all, they only have every other political advantage. Concerning ballot design, the system is merely compensating for their otherwise total lack of privilege, right?
    
    
• Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Columns:
  • Who needs logical ballot columns in the age of digital disruption? Let’s get futuristic and select candidates by swiping right or left. New Jersey could pioneer the Tinder of voting systems!
    
    
• Why Stop at the Ballots?:
  • If we’re critiquing confusing systems, let’s not limit ourselves. Why not redesign the jug handle turns on NJ roads? Keep those babies, and let the ballot be as jumbled as those left turns from the right lane.
    
    
• Demand the Scavenger Hunt:
  • Voting should be a competitive sport. Let’s introduce the Great New Jersey Ballot Scavenger Hunt. More complexity? More fun! Winner gets a commemorative I VOTED sticker and a sense of bewildering accomplishment.
    
    

The Hot Take:

Listen, as your favorite black-clad, cantankerous comic would say, the only thing more laughable than NJ’s ballot system is a rubber crutch. It’s time to overhaul the darn thing. Instead of treating voters like contestants on “Jeopardy!” (but without the intellectual satisfaction), let’s make it simpler than a slice of cheese pizza—easy to understand, no frills, universally appreciated.

Sure, change is as scary to politicians as actual work, but if our dear Garden State can handle the infamous jug handles, it can surely straighten out its ballots. It’s not rocket science, it’s just rectangles on paper. Place every candidate equitably, no wizardry required, except perhaps a disappearing act for those old-school ballot shenanigans.

Rig the vote? Nah, rig the comedy club—you’re sure to get more laughs, and the stakes are as low as the approval rating of anyone trying to explain why we need to “preserve the ballot ploy as tradition”. Democracy ain’t a game show, folks. Let’s kick the confusion to the curb and make voting easier than getting a laugh out of a cat video.

There you have it – a classic tale of political tomfoolery with a smidgen of hope. Remember, in the words of some smart aleck comedian, “If it ain’t broke… it’s probably not in New Jersey.”

Source: A judge makes another big decision in fight over N.J.’s controversial primary ballot system