Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details
In the latest installment of ‘What Could Possibly Go Wrong’, Alabama has once again leapt into the headlines, and no, it’s not because of a football game or a new recipe that deep-fries an already deep-fried chicken.
It’s because two more clinics in the ‘Heart of Dixie’ have put the brakes on IVF treatments faster than you can say ‘roll tide’. This pause in playing Cupid on a cellular level comes courtesy of a court ruling so bewildering that the very notion of ‘embryo’ has been tossed back centuries, landing somewhere between ‘sacred cows’ and ‘actual citizens’, all thanks to a legally binding oopsie-daisy.
The Breakdown
- Little Cells, Big Rights: It appears embryos in Alabama are getting more rights than most teenagers — they don’t even have to pass a civics test! Without so much as a peep, or you know, consciousness, these microscopic would-be tots have landed themselves the social status of ‘child’. Take that, actual children asking for healthcare and education!
To elucidate, a court ruling redefined embryos as kiddos-in-waiting, meaning IVF clinics need to treat them like minors at an amusement park — make sure each one has a buddy and that no one’s left behind on the teacups.
- The Pause that Depresses: IVF treatments are waiting for the ‘Play’ button to be hit again, and prospective parents are probably pacing the waiting room. Because why move forward with scientific reproductive aid when you can plunge into a legal dilemma about whether your frozen embryo should start paying taxes?
With the clinics hitting the IVF pause button, the dreams of hundreds, if not thousands of would-be parents, are currently colder than the liquid nitrogen keeping their potential progeny on ice.
- Lawyers: The New OB-GYNs: Since the court’s decision, embryo litigation is probably going to inflate faster than a balloon in a cactus patch. After all, nothing screams ‘parenthood’ like having to hire legal representation for a cluster of cells that might one day become your kid.
The new protocol at Alabama clinics includes a sign at the door: “All embryos must be accompanied by a lawyer.”
- Conception Connection: The clinics’ decision shows a level of proactive caution usually reserved for avoiding the ‘reply all’ button in an email thread. Except, in this case, ‘reply all’ is letting prospective parents know, “Hey, your baby’s legal status is now an episode of Judge Judy.”
It’s a full-on gestational gridlock, as if the entire process of IVF has been put there by a toddler—in a temper tantrum—throwing legal blocks around the room.
- Rights for All, Except You Know, Women: In a daring move, Alabama has decided to advocate furiously for the rights of entities that can’t even vote yet. Embryos? Yes! Women trying to make informed decisions about their bodies and futures? Ehh, not so much.
Isn’t it refreshing to see a state so dedicated to the welfare of its tiniest constituents while the actual living, breathing, voting women—well, they’re on their own.
The Counter
- Pre-Embryo Personhood!: Forget about those pesky driving licenses or age restrictions on alcohol, let’s start at conception! Wouldn’t that be a hoot if a cluster of cells could sue you for choosing the wrong day-care center while they’re still frozen?
A new reality show concept, “Embryo Big Brother,” is now on the table.
- Who Needs IVF?: Who even needs science when good old-fashioned methods are available, right? Never mind the struggles, the very real biological or health conditions. It’s back to nature, baby! As an added bonus, think of all the money these parents will save for their potential child’s college/university – if the embryo decides higher education is the path for them.
Besides, it’s high time we marketed DIY IVF kits, complete with your very own home freezer pack and a disclaimer: ‘May lead to legal paradoxes.’
- Better Safe than Sorry: To be fair, precaution is key in medicine. We wouldn’t want to rush into life-altering decisions without first consulting the finest legal minds. Medicine by the judiciary—that’s the kind of 21st-century innovation that would make even Alexander Fleming throw his Petri dishes out in excitement.
Next on the docket: antibiotics seeking asylum from bacteria.
- Waiting, the Best Medicine: The only thing better than a solution is a protracted period of waiting that allows the problem to ferment like a fine wine. After all, the longer we wait, the more likely we’ll come to an ideal, universally-appropriate solution that pleases everyone, right? Just like how everyone loves the DMV.
On a positive note, couples now have more time to think of baby names, ranging from Aiden to Justice.
- Legal Battles, a Parent’s Rite of Passage: Remember when planning for a child was about budgeting, reading parenting books, and decorating nurseries? Well, times have changed. The modern parent must now also be versed in the nuances of constitutional law and the biology of personhood.
Birthing classes are out; law school is in!
The Hot Take
Truth is, the path to parenthood shouldn’t have to navigate through a courtroom. It’s high time we found a solution to what’s becoming a legal labyrinth more complicated than figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet. The ideal liberal fix? Perhaps start by accepting that, while embryos are vital to the process of life, they might not be ready for their social security numbers just yet.
We could also elevate women’s rights to at least the level of respect we’re currently reserving for cellular clusters. Allow science and compassion to lead the way. After all, isn’t it hilarious to imagine a world where care, rationality, and choice are available to everyone? So funny, it might just stop being a joke and start being policy.
Source: Two more clinics in Alabama pausing IVF treatments after court ruling
