Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what reads like the subplot of a political dramedy, RFK Jr. has decided to enter the ring of the 2024 presidential race, and his sister Rory is peering through her fingers, worried his campaign might accidentally hand the victory to Trump, giving Biden the political equivalent of a wedgie. While we all love a good family feud, there’s a genuine concern that splitting the vote could be the best strategy yet for snagging defeat from the jaws of victory. But hey, who doesn’t appreciate a bit of chaos in the pursuit of democracy?
The Breakdown
- The Heir of Camelot Becomes Don Quixote: RFK Jr. is tilting at the presidential windmill, which is grand until you realize those blades can slice your electoral chances to ribbons.
- Picture a modern-day knight in shining armor, if the armor was made out of recycled conspiracy theories and the horse was a high horse that could very well trot right over the Democratic party’s hopes and dreams.
- Picture a modern-day knight in shining armor, if the armor was made out of recycled conspiracy theories and the horse was a high horse that could very well trot right over the Democratic party’s hopes and dreams.
- Rory’s Worries Are the New National Pastime: It’s like watching someone trying to put out a fire with a gasoline hose and saying, “I’ve got concerns.”
- Rory’s “concerns” are as understated as a clown at a funeral. She’s basically staring at the impending political pile-up through her fingers, hoping someone hits the brake.
- Rory’s “concerns” are as understated as a clown at a funeral. She’s basically staring at the impending political pile-up through her fingers, hoping someone hits the brake.
- Vote Splitting: Because Who Doesn’t Love a Plot Twist?: RFK Jr. jumping in is like adding a third wheel to a two-person bike. It’s quirky, unexpected, and leads to a spectacular crash.
- The Dems could split the vote like a banana at a sundae bar, which would only be fun if we weren’t talking about the fate of the free world.
- The Dems could split the vote like a banana at a sundae bar, which would only be fun if we weren’t talking about the fate of the free world.
- The Trump Card Still at Play: With Trump lurking in the shadows like the villain from a Scooby-Doo cartoon, the fear is that Kennedy’s move might just hand him the Scooby Snack of victory.
- Imagine Trump rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain, gleefully watching his adversaries trip over their own capes.
- Imagine Trump rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain, gleefully watching his adversaries trip over their own capes.
- Biden’s Battle for a Second Act: The incumbent is like a rock band on a reunion tour: it’s nostalgic, but everyone’s secretly worried they’ve lost their edge.
- Biden trying to secure a second term in this climate is like trying to perform heart surgery on a rollercoaster; technically possible, but why would you?
- Biden trying to secure a second term in this climate is like trying to perform heart surgery on a rollercoaster; technically possible, but why would you?
The Counter
- Kennedy Schmennedy: So what if there’s another candidate? Democracy is all about choice, even if that choice is between shooting yourself in the left foot or the right foot.
- Having choices is American as apple pie, which is still enjoyable even when you find out it’s made of fake apples.
- Having choices is American as apple pie, which is still enjoyable even when you find out it’s made of fake apples.
- Rory’s Reading too Much Into This: Maybe Rory’s crystal ball is a bit foggy. After all, in politics, nothing ever happens the way it’s predicted, right?
- Predicting political outcomes is like being a weather forecaster for hell—it’s either going to be hot, or… oh, it’s hot again.
- Predicting political outcomes is like being a weather forecaster for hell—it’s either going to be hot, or… oh, it’s hot again.
- Divide and Conquer: Splitting the vote could just mean a fierce competition, and everyone loves a bit of drama, especially when it’s at someone else’s expense.
- The more the merrier, they say! So why not invite everyone to the party, including the guy who eats all the dip and double-dips?
- The more the merrier, they say! So why not invite everyone to the party, including the guy who eats all the dip and double-dips?
- Don’t Underestimate the Incumbent: Biden might be old, but so are fine wines and antique swords. They still have their edge.
- Biden might pull a Gandalf, come back stronger, and tell Trump, “You shall not pass!” Or he could trip on his robe; it’s a toss-up.
- Biden might pull a Gandalf, come back stronger, and tell Trump, “You shall not pass!” Or he could trip on his robe; it’s a toss-up.
- Trump as the Ultimate Underdog: Trump coming back again is like that horror movie villain who never dies, but hey, at least it gives everyone a common enemy.
- With Trump in the race, we all get to be the plucky heroes in a B-movie about saving the world from a spray-tanned antagonist.
- With Trump in the race, we all get to be the plucky heroes in a B-movie about saving the world from a spray-tanned antagonist.
The Hot Take
Okay, let’s huddle up for the liberal master plan. Clearly, what we need is the political equivalent of a mosh pit. Let’s just throw everything we’ve got into the ring and hope that in the end, right before the credits roll, we end up with the good guys on top. I mean, Guy Fawkes only had one plan, and look how that’s celebrated.
What we need is a grassroots campaign that’s more infectious than the Chicken Dance at weddings. We need to weaponize memes, make TikToks more strategic than chess moves, and get policies so green they make Kermit the Frog look like a climate change denier. And if all else fails, we form a conga line so long it wraps around the White House and squeezes till we get the politics we deserve!
Source: RFK Jr.’s sister Rory is ‘concerned’ his presidential campaign could help Trump over Biden
