Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
It’s a bitter day in Silicon Valley, folks, as the tech giant Apple, known for squeezing every last penny from its devoted customers, is now squeezing its very own employees right out the door. In a move that has surprised no one who has been paying attention to the tech industry’s roller coaster of hire ’em and fire ’em, Apple is laying off over 600 people in California. Turns out, even titans can trim down, squeezing into their fiscal skinny jeans as they try to look slim and profitable for the ever-watchful eye of Wall Street.
The Breakdown
- Siri, Find Me a Job: Remember when Siri was the cutting-edge, personal assistant? Well, now she might need to use her own services as her creators are getting the boot. These are the people who programmed Siri to tell you the weather on Mars but apparently couldn’t forecast their own rainy days at Apple.
- Specifics: Apple’s slashing through jobs like a Fruit Ninja champion. From engineers who’ve developed the tech we can’t even understand, to the marketing gurus who convinced us we needed it, no one’s safe from the swinging ax.
- Specifics: Apple’s slashing through jobs like a Fruit Ninja champion. From engineers who’ve developed the tech we can’t even understand, to the marketing gurus who convinced us we needed it, no one’s safe from the swinging ax.
- An Apple Store A Day Keeps Job Security Away: The eureka moment when you realize that standing in the sleek Apple Store, while geniuses float around in their blue shirts, doesn’t inoculate you from job instability.
- Specifics: Even those bright minds that have lit up the “Genius Bars” and restocked the shelves faster than a new iPhone sells out might want to polish their LinkedIn profiles.
- Specifics: Even those bright minds that have lit up the “Genius Bars” and restocked the shelves faster than a new iPhone sells out might want to polish their LinkedIn profiles.
- iSlash – Cutting Costs or Cutting Edge?: Here we thought Apple was all about adding the next big feature, like another camera nobody asked for, but they’ve been busy removing something else entirely – their employees!
- Specifics: Cutbacks are happening across the departments, proving that whether you’re dealing with software or human resources, the ‘delete’ key is a powerful tool indeed.
- Specifics: Cutbacks are happening across the departments, proving that whether you’re dealing with software or human resources, the ‘delete’ key is a powerful tool indeed.
- One More Thing…You’re Fired: In true Apple fashion, one could expect a dramatic keynote-style reveal for layoffs. “And one more thing…it’s not a new product, it’s a pink slip! Isn’t it gorgeous?”
- Specifics: The layoffs have been served with a side of corporate jargon, ensuring the message is as polished as the latest iPhone finish.
- Specifics: The layoffs have been served with a side of corporate jargon, ensuring the message is as polished as the latest iPhone finish.
- There’s No App for Unemployment: In the App Store, there’s an app for everything. Yoga, dating, learning a new language, but we’re still waiting on ‘iUnemployed’ – now that’s an app that could see some downloads.
- Specifics: Hundreds of now-former Apple geniuses will need to start downloading budgeting apps and resume builders, which are, ironically, most likely found on the devices they helped to create.
- Specifics: Hundreds of now-former Apple geniuses will need to start downloading budgeting apps and resume builders, which are, ironically, most likely found on the devices they helped to create.
The Counter
- Just a Drop in the Orchard: Apple’s just pruning the trees, folks. They say losing a few branches helps the rest of the tree grow, or in this case, makes the shareholders’ pockets grow.
- Innovation Requires Elimination: Isn’t that what Steve Jobs would’ve wanted? To stay lean and mean. Though one wonders if he meant cutting-edge technology or the workforce.
- The Circle of (Tech) Life: It’s the age-old tale of the tech ecosystem: hire excitable young techies, burn them out, and release them into the wild to find their next big break… or a couch to crash on.
- Golden Payout Parachutes: Let’s not worry too much, the higher-ups likely have a golden parachute. It’s just the regular employees who get the feeling of jumping out of a plane sans parachute.
- Look on the Bright Side: Hey, on the bright side, former employees have got a head start on the next big tech innovation: How to survive in Silicon Valley once your tech giant employer decides you’re last season’s model.
The Hot Take
In the true spirit of innovation, here is a liberal hot take on how to fix this mess: Create an iUnion! That’s right, the solution is to band together like pixels on a Retina display. A social safety net within the Apple ecosystem, where every employee is as important as the latest iOS update.
Let’s put Siri in charge of negotiations – she couldn’t possibly do worse than human management. And those geniuses at the Genius Bar? Time to invent the iStrike application.
This tool will automatically organize sit-ins and walkouts if the number of employees versus C-suite bonuses falls out of balance. Meanwhile, we’ll develop a new line of iBenefits that include job security, healthcare, and a built-in feature that protects against sudden drops… in employment.
The end of our tale? It’s not a fairytale ending, and it’s certainly not “happily ever after” for those hit by the layoff wave. But in a world where companies strive to be as sleek and minimalist as the products they sell, we’re reminded that businesses are built by people.
And when those people are cast aside like last year’s iPhone model, it begs the question: is there room for a conscience in the cold, hard drive of capitalism?
As the Apple universe continues to expand, maybe it’s time for its heart to grow a few sizes too. Can we get an app for that?
