Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
It’s not often that the marble halls of the Pentagon echo with the cadence of a comedy club, but when the defense chief says there’s no evidence that Israel has committed genocide, you might expect a drum roll and a cymbal crash to punctuate the punchline. Unfortunately, this isn’t a setup to a joke; it’s the state of affairs according to the tops at the Pentagon. Now let’s delve into the logical, or illogical, intricacies that make up this slice of political pie.
The Breakdown
- What’s Evidence Anyway?
- Because we all know that in the era of alternative facts, evidence is as malleable as my mood after three shots of espresso on an empty stomach.
- Because we all know that in the era of alternative facts, evidence is as malleable as my mood after three shots of espresso on an empty stomach.
- The Pentagon’s New Pastime: Semantics or Gymnastics?
- Watch in awe as officials somersault over legal definitions and land in an ambiguously moral stance that even a philosopher would envy.
- Watch in awe as officials somersault over legal definitions and land in an ambiguously moral stance that even a philosopher would envy.
- International Laws: Now More Like Guidelines
- You have to admire the chutzpah it takes to treat international laws like wine recommendations, sip and taste but you don’t have to commit.
- You have to admire the chutzpah it takes to treat international laws like wine recommendations, sip and taste but you don’t have to commit.
- Sweeping Statements: Just as Effective as Brooms
- Clean up any political spill with a sweeping statement so broad it could be a broom in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- Clean up any political spill with a sweeping statement so broad it could be a broom in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- Existential Crises Aren’t Just for Teenagers Anymore
- The Pentagon going through its own existential crisis; to find evidence or not to find evidence, that is the question.
- The Pentagon going through its own existential crisis; to find evidence or not to find evidence, that is the question.
The Counter
- Alternative Evidence, Maybe It’s Invisible
- Perhaps, just like the Emperor’s new clothes, the evidence is there, it’s just that none of us are enlightened enough to see it.
- Perhaps, just like the Emperor’s new clothes, the evidence is there, it’s just that none of us are enlightened enough to see it.
- Genocide Schmenocide, Let’s Talk About That GDP Growth
- Remember, if you can’t win the argument, just redirect to the economy and watch the subject change faster than a chameleon on a disco floor.
- Remember, if you can’t win the argument, just redirect to the economy and watch the subject change faster than a chameleon on a disco floor.
- If We Ignore It, It’ll Go Away, Right?
- Like that weird noise in your car’s engine or the expiration date on mediterranean hummus… if you ignore it, surely it will fix itself.
- Like that weird noise in your car’s engine or the expiration date on mediterranean hummus… if you ignore it, surely it will fix itself.
- The Historical Amnesia Strong with This One
- Historical precedent? Never heard of her. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia, have we not?
- Historical precedent? Never heard of her. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia, have we not?
- The Definitions Are Currently Being Redefined
- Hold tight as the dictionaries are updated with new, Pentagon-approved definitions of genocide that conveniently suit foreign policy.
- Hold tight as the dictionaries are updated with new, Pentagon-approved definitions of genocide that conveniently suit foreign policy.
The Hot Take
As I wipe the mist from my glasses caused by the steam of hot air coming out of the press room, I can’t help but believe that surely, there must be some satirical way to cut through the bureaucratic BS. We’re in an era where semantics do-si-do around hard truths, and the dance floor is slick with political doublespeak. But here’s a wild thought: how about a change in the refrain? Instead of pretending that evidence requires a divine intervention to be recognized, transparency might just be a start.
Follow that up with a dollop of accountability au gratin, and we might just have a recipe that doesn’t leave such a sour taste in our collective mouths. In an ideal world, our leaders would lead not just with interests, but principles that we could write home about – and not just in the P.S. section under “Additional Laughable Items.”
Source: Pentagon chief claims no evidence Israel has committed genocide
