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In what seems to be a miraculous turn of events akin to David Blaine escaping yet another box of obvious perils, Joe Biden has begun to tease the political gravity that consistently drags down the age-old, for some far too aged, incumbents.
According to Newsweek, Biden is now leading Trump in the majority of polls concerning the 2024 presidential election. This phenomenon is as bewildering as finding out your pet turtle is an expert in quantum physics. But, just like the eternal mystery of socks going missing in the dryer, we are left to ponder what dark sorcery is afoot here.
The Breakdown
- Biden Tops Trump: Elderly Man Beats Even Older Man at Popularity Contest
Come one, come all, to witness the septuagenarian showdown! It’s not a race to the finish, folks—it’s a race to the start! Biden triumphantly leads the polls where the only criteria is not being the other guy. - Polling Magic: Divination or Desperation?
The mighty polls have spoken, their murky entrails read by political augurs who assure us this is indeed the will of the people. Or maybe it’s just the will of the few people who still answer unknown numbers on their landlines. - The Youth Wave: Millennials and Gen Z Choose Experience (Again)
In an overwhelming wave of nostalgia for the Obama years or maybe just to spite their Boomer parents, the younger generations seem to be rooting for Biden. Because nothing screams progress like electing someone who was in office before Wi-Fi was a thing. - The Art of the Deal: Backpedalling or Strategy?
Trump must be somewhere, attempting to write another chapter of his book titled, “Art of the Deal: How I Let the Other Guy Win (So I Could Win Later)”. It’s a complex strategy only comprehensible to those who have also run casinos into the ground. - Doomsday Prepping: America Stockpiling Sanity?
It appears America is hoarding sanity like it’s the last roll of toilet paper during a pandemic. Biden beating Trump in the polls feels like we’re all collectively trying to survive the finale season of Earth.
The Counter
- Trump Triumph: The Comeback Story No One Asked For
The King of Comebacks, Trump is just letting Biden get a false sense of security. It’s like the tortoise and the hare, except both are claiming bone spurs. - Fake News, Real Entertainment
The polls are just a part of the fake news agenda, right? I mean, why believe in numbers and statistics when gut feelings and retweets have served us so well in the past? - Pollster Shenanigans: Sampling Error or Psychic Predictions?
Who are these pollsters? Sampling the opinions of a dozen folks at the local bingo night? It’s not exactly Nostradamus-level prophecy here. - Millennial Meanderings: Avocado Toast Aversion
Maybe millennials will swing the other way if Trump promises free avocado toast. Let’s be real, financial security is great, but have you ever had properly seasoned avocado on a warm slice of sourdough? - Sanity Clause: Santa’s Not the Only Fictional Character Here
Let’s face it, America—expecting sanity in politics is like expecting Santa to actually lose weight. Charming in theory, but we all know those cookies are just too tempting.
The Hot Take
If this collection of polls tells us anything, it’s that America might be ready to unsubscribe from the reality show that was the Trump presidency. As political junkies go on their data binges, scouring the internet for their next fix of predictive analytics, we, the self-designated sensible ones, are left to quietly ignore the numbers and focus on the real deal: policy, baby.
And by policy, I clearly mean that we should institute a nationwide comedic council to review and approve all future presidential tweets. Furthermore, let’s replace State of the Union addresses with stand-up specials; at least then we’d intentionally be laughing.
Apart from turning Capitol Hill into a comedy club, if we really want to “fix the problem,” we need to ensure that we’re not reading too much into the crystal ball of early polling. It’s time to direct the passion and ire so perfectly honed on Twitter and put it into grassroots movements, education reform, and ensuring our voting rights are sacrosanct. The true ‘hot take’ should be a warm embrace of critical thinking and a cold shoulder to the seductive whispers of sensationalism.
Source: Joe Biden is Now Beating Donald Trump in the Majority of Polls
