Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the latest twist that nobody asked for but everyone saw coming, Biden and Trump are inching their way back to the debate stage, like two retirees who can’t resist one last road trip even though they keep forgetting where they parked.
The scenario paints a vivid picture: Biden, with his aviator shades, mistaking the debate podium for a sunglasses hut, and Trump, touting Space Force as the next breakthrough in elderly care because, why not, it’s already 2024 and logic left the building sometime back in 2016.
The Breakdown
- Back Again, Like Bad Reruns
- Here we are, facing the prospect of a debate that feels more like a medically-induced nightmare than political discourse. It’s the classic choice between which rerun you’ve seen enough to memorize the dialogue — and not in a comforting, ‘Friends’ kind of way.
- Here we are, facing the prospect of a debate that feels more like a medically-induced nightmare than political discourse. It’s the classic choice between which rerun you’ve seen enough to memorize the dialogue — and not in a comforting, ‘Friends’ kind of way.
- Groundhog Day, But With More Flags
- Seriously, have these guys been taking debate tips from ‘Groundhog Day’? It’s the same old stories, same old promises, and quite frankly, it’s like both parties are just trying to see who can make the clock strike midnight at noon. Watch out for the shadows, guys — six more weeks of campaigning if they appear.
- Seriously, have these guys been taking debate tips from ‘Groundhog Day’? It’s the same old stories, same old promises, and quite frankly, it’s like both parties are just trying to see who can make the clock strike midnight at noon. Watch out for the shadows, guys — six more weeks of campaigning if they appear.
- Policy Proposals or Prop Comedy?
- As the article dives into policy discussions, one can’t help wonder if Carrot Top has been moonlighting as a campaign advisor. The proposals begin to sound more like props for a sketch comedy rather than actionable plans. Biden talks energy and it sounds like he’s about to endorse a national nap time.
- As the article dives into policy discussions, one can’t help wonder if Carrot Top has been moonlighting as a campaign advisor. The proposals begin to sound more like props for a sketch comedy rather than actionable plans. Biden talks energy and it sounds like he’s about to endorse a national nap time.
- The Age Debate: Not Just a Number
- Age isn’t just a number here; it’s practically a policy stance. With Trump and Biden not so much sprinting to the finish line as meandering towards it with intermittent pee breaks, the debate will need more than just political analysis, but perhaps a Life Alert sponsorship.
- Age isn’t just a number here; it’s practically a policy stance. With Trump and Biden not so much sprinting to the finish line as meandering towards it with intermittent pee breaks, the debate will need more than just political analysis, but perhaps a Life Alert sponsorship.
- Viewer Discretion Advised
- The potential debate, as dissected by the article, suggests viewer discretion not just for explicit language but for dangerously high levels of déjà vu. Keep pillows handy, either for screaming into or passing out comfortably somewhere around the foreign policy section.
- The potential debate, as dissected by the article, suggests viewer discretion not just for explicit language but for dangerously high levels of déjà vu. Keep pillows handy, either for screaming into or passing out comfortably somewhere around the foreign policy section.
The Counter
- The Case for Eternal Candidates
- Debate or Deja Vu?
- Hard-hitting counterpoint: Did the debate even happen if everyone felt like they had seen it before? Schrödinger’s debate; it exists and doesn’t exist until someone flips the channel to check.
- Hard-hitting counterpoint: Did the debate even happen if everyone felt like they had seen it before? Schrödinger’s debate; it exists and doesn’t exist until someone flips the channel to check.
- High Energy, Low Expectations
- What the article doesn’t highlight enough is how each policy mention is strategically designed to set the bar lower and lower, so eventually just staying awake past 8:00 PM might seem like a win.
- What the article doesn’t highlight enough is how each policy mention is strategically designed to set the bar lower and lower, so eventually just staying awake past 8:00 PM might seem like a win.
- Forget the Policies – Fashion Showdown!
- Let’s focus on the important aspects — who wore the flag pin better? In the end, isn’t presidential capability really just about accessorizing correctly?
- Let’s focus on the important aspects — who wore the flag pin better? In the end, isn’t presidential capability really just about accessorizing correctly?
- Secret Winners: Insomnia and Snack Industries
- Lastly, let’s give a nod to the true winners of any such debate – the insomnia aides and snack industries. Late-night joke writers will also see a boom, but really, it’s Big Popcorn who’s popping the champagne.
- Lastly, let’s give a nod to the true winners of any such debate – the insomnia aides and snack industries. Late-night joke writers will also see a boom, but really, it’s Big Popcorn who’s popping the champagne.
The Hot Take
The ‘solution’ is obvious, and it’s been staring us in the face all along. Let’s start treating these debates like what they are — antiquated rituals of a bygone era. I say, replace the debates with a reality TV series, “America’s Next Top Leader: Elderly Edition”.
Every week, candidates complete in challenges like ‘Tweeting Under Pressure’, ‘World Leader Speed Dating’, and ‘Guess That Policy’. Last one standing gets the nomination. It’s more transparent, more entertaining, and let’s face it — probably more informative.
There you have it. Another showdown of the aged not so gracefully, fighting it out for the most stressful job on earth. Pop your popcorn, folks, it’s going to be a bumpy night.
