Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh, if there’s one thing we can count on like clockwork, it’s the good ol’ American tradition of protests. But today’s menu features a little extra—a throbbing headache served fresh to Joe Biden. So what’s the magic potion to end these vibrant displays of democracy and give our leader a well-deserved break? Apparently, sacrificing the environment on the altar of market gains isn’t enough anymore.
Let’s dive into this abyss of chaos and enlightenment, shall we?
Campus protests have surged faster than my blood pressure at a tax seminar! And why, you wonder? Well, students are sick of watching their future go up in smokes—literally and figuratively—as universities cozy up with investments in fossil fuels. Here’s the spoiler: they aren’t just going to let it go because someone flashed a shiny new sports complex in their faces.
All these youngsters want is a breathable planet, but nooo, we’re busy handing them respirators alongside their diplomas. It’s like giving a firefighter a bucket of gasoline to put out a fire. Thank you, next!
In the midst of this inferno, what is the governmental response? If you guessed a robust plan to tackle the institutional investments fueling the climate crisis, give yourself a sad little pat on the back. Wrong! The solution is seemingly more along the lines of: Let’s wait it out, probably this is just a phase.
But hey, let’s not be too harsh—the administration is probably just biding their time until they can declare climate change a hoax invented by windmills. That’ll solve everything.
I guess the grand plan is hoping the purpose of the continued protests will poof! vanish if ignored long enough. I mean, why bother solving underlying issues when you can just pretend they’re not there? It’s the adult version of clapping your hands over your ears and loudly chanting, “I can’t hear you!”
You want tactical genius? How about some arrests to really spice things up? Nothing says we cherish our youth like slapping handcuffs on them while they advocate for a marginally livable world. Let’s file that under ‘great moments in public relations.’
And, let’s sprinkle some irony on this dumpster fire: the very crusaders of law and order seem to forget that arresting the messengers won’t clean the message. Calling for a cleaner investment strategy isn’t exactly a criminal mastermind’s plot twist.
Moving on, if Joe Biden is looking for relief from this gargantuan headache—which, by the way, is expanding faster than the universe—if he’s really, truly, honestly looking for a way out, here’s a groundbreaking idea: Maybe address the damn problem.
Phasing out fossil fuel investments? Groundbreaking. Actually supporting renewable energy without crossing fingers behind your back? Revolutionary! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if solving the problem also ended the protests? Imagine that!
As these campuses burn with the fire of youthful indignation, let’s not forget that these students are not just angry about spending their Fridays in protests; they’re terrified. Terrified that instead of inheriting family photos, they’ll inherit a permanent smog mask from Auntie Earth.
Biden, old pal, it’s high time to realize that these protests aren’t a nuisance, they’re a billboard for action painted in bold, the size of a building, screaming for change. Condescending head-pats will not extinguish this fire.
In the end, whether it’s Joe, you, me, or the friendly squirrel outside my window, we’ve all got a stake in this farce. The only question left is, will we continue to watch the world burn from the VIP seats, or will we finally grab a hose?
Source: Only One Thing Will End the Protests—and Relieve Joe Biden of This Gigantic Headache
