Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong! The 2024 presidential spectacle has started early, and it’s less about who’s got the better policies and more about who’s got the fatter wallet. Joe Biden, apparently with a cash register for a heart, is stacking chips against Donald, who, we assume, might be checking under the couch cushions for spare campaign funds.
Here’s the scoop: Joe Biden, fresh off whatever it is Presidents do to relax—presumably tossing pennies into jars labeled “For Beating Trump”—is flaunting his hefty campaign war chest. The word on the street, or at least the word according to sources that count more zeros than we see at a blockbuster movie opening, is that Biden’s campaign is like Scrooge McDuck’s vault—overflowing and apparently ready to topple over. Meanwhile, Trump seems to be scrambling, perhaps putting a few too many of those bucks into hats and flags last time around.
Can we talk about the irony here for a second? The guy who claims to be the best businessperson this side of the Milky Way is getting shown the door in the fundraiser fiesta? What’s next? Is McDonald’s going to start losing to some hipster joint that serves tofu burgers?
And don’t get me started on the staff. Biden is pulling staff members out of nowhere. If he keeps at it, he’s going to need a bigger Oval Office! It’s like he’s throwing a party and everyone’s invited. Trump, on the other hand, might just need to start cloning himself, which, now that I think about it, would be the worst science fiction movie ever made.
Remember folks, this isn’t just a race for who gets to sit in the big comfy chair and have their butt prints in the leather for history; it’s a battle of the bank accounts. Election campaigns have turned into an episode of “Who Wants to Be a Billionaire?” And let’s be honest, if it wasn’t so scary for democracy, it’d be hilarious because the last time I checked, leadership skills didn’t come with a price tag… unless you’re shopping in the wrong part of town.
Seriously, we’re treating the upcoming election like it’s a blockbuster showdown at the box office. The critics have spoken, the popcorn is buttered, and now we just sit and watch the dollars pour in like it’s the box office on a Marvel movie premiere night. Will Biden’s campaign cash help America dodge the Trump bullet again? Or will Trump manage to pull a financial Houdini act and reappear with enough cash to give everyone whiplash?
Campaigns nowadays are less about the passionate speeches and stumping around the deck of the USS Policy Proposer, and more about how many zeroes your bank account can handle before it starts to look like a phone number. If big money in politics was a movie, we’d all be throwing tomatoes at the screen by now.
So, who’s going to come out on top? It’s like watching Godzilla vs. Mothra, except the city’s just our hopes and dreams being crushed underfoot.
One thing’s certain in all this mess: if money keeps talking this loudly, pretty soon it’s going to lose its voice, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll start listening to something a little more sensible. Like, I don’t know, plans, policies, or perhaps a good old-fashioned debate about the issues? Nah, let’s just stick to counting cash—it’s easier on the brain!
Okay, who am I kidding? The countdown to 2024 is less about politics and more about payday. May the richest campaign win! I mean, that’s what democracy is all about, right? Right?!
Source: Biden presses cash, staffing advantage against Trump
