Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh boy, I sure do love hearing about another politician pretending to know more than scientists. This time, it’s Ron DeSantis, our favorite Floridian funnyman, rejecting the idea that climate change had anything to do with the record-breaking rain. That’s right, folks. He’s at it again because, of course, ignore the scientists! They’re just people with degrees and years of experience studying this stuff. What could they possibly know?
First of all, thank you, Ron. It’s so refreshing to have a guy who clearly knows as much about weather patterns as my Uncle Frank who believes in the magic of crystal healing—a guy who takes a different route by tailgating the crazy truck at full speed. Let’s be honest here, when it comes to climate change denial, DeSantis is like the kid in high school who refuses to study for an exam because, hey, he already knows everything, right?
In Ron’s world, if it rains so hard that you need an ark, it’s not because of climate change. Heck no. It’s probably because someone did a rain dance while juggling cats, and the water gods just got really excited. Let’s just ignore that whole polar ice cap thing, the sweltering heat, the melting glaciers, and the fact that every summer, my deodorant needs an upgrade. Nope, just a fluke. A fluke the size of a mackerel!
Climate change is the inconvenient truth that politicians like DeSantis love to treat like it’s herpes at a family reunion—let’s just not talk about it and hope it goes away. You know, the only rational way to deal with problems!
Scientists say we’re breaking all sorts of climate records, but oh no, they must be breaking records in their little labs with malicious intent, stirring their evil scientist potions and looking at their evil scientist thermometers. Clearly, if you add a degree or ten to the planet, you’ve got yourself a sweltering conspiracy!
DeSantis is probably the same kind of guy who’d argue that an onion doesn’t make you cry—oh no, that’s just a reaction to the chemicals in your shampoo. It’s not the onion’s fault. Poor onion, why is it getting blamed for everything?
Have you ever been to Florida? The place is practically an outdoor sauna, and this guy is trying to tell you global warming isn’t real. I went outside in Fort Lauderdale once, and I swear my eyebrows melted off. But I’m expected to believe this blistering heat is just a coincidence? More like a cosmic joke—oh wait, the joke’s on us.
The sad part is, his supporters eat this up like it’s a Tic Tac at a garlic festival. They don’t want to believe; they don’t want to face the music. And speaking of music, if climate change was a song, it would be rap with dolphins, and our Floridian maestro here thinks it’s just white noise.
He says storms are just storms. By that logic, DeSantis might as well say, “Hey everyone, lava is just spicy dirt!” Next thing you know, he’ll be giving Floridians umbrellas and telling them to suit up in Speedos. Don’t worry about the hurricane, folks. Just go surf it out. Maybe throw in a Floridian cocktail, an all-new exclusive: Hurricanes with a hint of… denial.
So let’s give it up for the guy who’s playing climate change bingo with our lives! A round of applause for the emperor of ignorance, standing proudly, fighting against the evil forces of meteorology with nothing more than hubris and a splash of sunscreen. Because when the tides rise and the streets flood, as long as DeSantis has his foot in his mouth, the weather will simply be a misunderstood tourist attraction, just another whimsical chapter in the Book of Floridian Folly.
But this ain’t a fairy tale, folks. This is real life, and guess what? Climate change is that unwelcome guest who doesn’t ask before raiding your fridge and drinking your last beer. It’s happening, and pretending it’s not is like trying to stop a train by standing on the tracks with your arms out. Bad idea, but hey, maybe DeSantis considers that a solution too!
So, you happy trolls of Florida, next time you see a thundercloud forming overhead, or find your backyard transformed into your new suburban lake, don’t fret. Just remember, according to your fearless leader, it’s all just a mysterious quirk of nature. Nothing to see here, just Ron taking a rain check on reality… again.
Source: DeSantis rejects climate change rationale for record-breaking rain
