Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The royal phenomenon is like that evergreen mould in your shower that you thought bleach had conquered, only to see it throw a regal wave and say, “Still here!” This time, the focus is on Kate Middleton and the fascination some corners of media and public have with her. The wake-up call? A realization that perhaps, just perhaps, the obsession has turned into something a bit less…charming. It’s like staring at a painting for so long, you start to notice that the Mona Lisa’s smile might just be gas.
The Breakdown:
- The Duchess Dilemma: Kate can’t sneeze without it being interpreted as a statement on global health. Everyone’s so caught up in her persona that if she were to wear denim, we’d have think pieces on the downfall of the monarchy and the diffusion line she’s secretly launching.
- When a Smile is Not Just a Smile: Each of Kate’s grins is dissected more than a frog in a high school biology class. If her smile wavers, it’s a sign. If it holds, it’s a statement. If she’s just having a decent day, we’ll never know.
- God forbid she has a neutral expression; that would warrant an emergency summit to discuss the stability of the Commonwealth.
- God forbid she has a neutral expression; that would warrant an emergency summit to discuss the stability of the Commonwealth.
- The Royal Ripple Effect: A royal flap of the eyelid could apparently cause hurricanes in this media climate. The weight given to every move and choice is biblical in proportion.
- The kind of scrutiny usually reserved for moon landings or political scandals is instead lavished upon a woman who decided to wear her hair up on a Tuesday.
- The kind of scrutiny usually reserved for moon landings or political scandals is instead lavished upon a woman who decided to wear her hair up on a Tuesday.
- The Kate Expectations: The public scripts narratives around her life like a poorly written telenovela. Does Kate have hobbies? According to the media, her interests range from waving perfectly to possibly being the cure for world peace.
- Imagine the pressure of representing the hinge point of societal decay each time you choose a breakfast cereal.
- Imagine the pressure of representing the hinge point of societal decay each time you choose a breakfast cereal.
- The Photographic Frenzy: A picture of Kate is worth a thousand conspiracy theories. She can’t blink without someone zooming in to check if she was sending Morse code.
- When the manner of eating her scone is potentially a political move, you know that we’ve crossed into absurdity and need to paddle back to shore fast.
- When the manner of eating her scone is potentially a political move, you know that we’ve crossed into absurdity and need to paddle back to shore fast.
The Counter:
- The Duchess of Doing-Too-Much: If Kate dared to have a normal day, the tabloids would implode. Maybe the media could talk about…I don’t know, the actual news?
- Imagine headlines like, “Kate Middleton Buys Regular Toothpaste—No Whitening, No Cavity Protection—Just Normal Toothpaste.”
- Imagine headlines like, “Kate Middleton Buys Regular Toothpaste—No Whitening, No Cavity Protection—Just Normal Toothpaste.”
- Smilegate: What if Kate’s smile is just a smile? Radical thought, I know. Could media even handle not reading into every facial twitch?
- Next thing you know, they’ll claim her blink rate is a subtle nod to Morse code.
- Next thing you know, they’ll claim her blink rate is a subtle nod to Morse code.
- The Eye of the Royal Storm: Perhaps the world will continue spinning even if Kate’s decisions are just human choices, not celestial events preordained by the fashion gods.
- Breaking News: Duchess wears green; stock market unchanged, weather patterns stable, dragon sightings still at zero.
- Breaking News: Duchess wears green; stock market unchanged, weather patterns stable, dragon sightings still at zero.
- A Novel Idea: Let’s pretend Kate’s just a person. Maybe her life doesn’t have to echo through eternity. Maybe she just liked the hat.
- Future generations will ask, “Did Duchess Kate choose the fascinator with the feather or the bow?” and historians will answer: “Who cares?”
- Future generations will ask, “Did Duchess Kate choose the fascinator with the feather or the bow?” and historians will answer: “Who cares?”
- Paparazzi Pacification: A picture of Kate is just that—a picture. Can we stop scanning images of her as though they’re the Zapruder film?
- She blinked left, not right—what could it mean? It means you need to get out more, mate.
- She blinked left, not right—what could it mean? It means you need to get out more, mate.
The Hot Take:
Alright, my heating pad’s ready because this take’s going to be scorching. Seriously, the solution is simpler than the plot of a reality TV show. Why not redirect this obsessive energy into, oh I don’t know, real issues? It’s time to employ the ancient strategy of ‘minding our own biscuits’ and let the Duchess digest hers in peace. Instead of watching Kate’s every move, let’s spend that energy on fostering a society that doesn’t create pedestals for humans to awkwardly stand on.
Maybe, just maybe, our focus should be on improving our failing infrastructure rather than Kate’s wardrobe infrastructure. Shift the spotlight from the royal wave to the tidal wave of actual world problems that could use a bit of fixing up. Do we really need the Duchess to validate our existence with a curtsey when the planet’s curtseying to environmental disasters left, right, and centre?
Source: They obsessed over Kate. Now they’re hit with a sobering truth.
