Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a twist that could be straight out of a poorly-written reality show—which is fitting in so many ways—Letitia James is sharpening her legal knives, ready to carve out what looks like egregious overvaluing of assets from the marbled empire of none other than Donald Trump. Poised with the steadiness of a surgeon coupled with the glee of a child in a candy store, James is going for the jugular of Trump’s financial extravaganzas.
From golf courses that seem to have more hypothetical value than emotional support peacocks to buildings that wouldn’t know a straight value if it hit them in the façade, Trump’s properties are under the microscope. Prepare for a vivid dissection of these real estate practices—as vivid as Trump’s bronzer palette.
The Breakdown
- Trump Values: Inflation that Makes Your Balloon Animals Jealous
The meticulous aggrandizement of worth that Trump’s assets undergo would make your average parade balloon blush. We’re talking about figures that seem to have been conceived during a particularly lively game of Monopoly played by drunk billionaires. It’s all fun and games until someone actually looks at the rulebook—or in this case, the law.
- Golf Courses or Fantasy Lands?
The documented values of these “luxurious” golf courses would have you believe they’re set in diamonds and staffed by mythical creatures. The truth is less glitzy but for Donald, as long as the commas are in the right place (right after more zeroes than you have on your keyboard), who cares about reality?
- Accounting with Alternative Math
Math is already hard enough for most. But Trump’s accountants must be using some sort of avant-garde arithmetic where numbers are more of a suggestion and the bottom line is a moving target–preferably upwards and to the right, where bigger bank account balances and ego measurements lie.
- Buildings That Reach the Heavens, in Valuation At Least
Trump’s financial statements would have us believe his buildings reach such towering heights that they’re having rooftop tea with the Almighty. We’re talking skyscrapers with figures so lofty, the penthouses could be in low earth orbit.
- “Liquidity”—A Fluid Concept
Now you see it, now you don’t; like a magician pulling liquidity out of a hat…or inserting it with a wink. It’s financial wizardry of the highest order. Trump’s balance sheets read like Houdini’s playbook, except the handcuffs might just be real this time.
The Counter
- Understated Elegance, Like Trump’s Tweets
The elegance of underplaying your assets is akin to the subtlety of Trump’s social media presence—virtually non-existent. Yet, in the bizzaro world of Trump’s legal defenses, overstating might just be the new understating.
- Asset Inflation is Just Good Business, Right?
Why understate when you could overstate and watch your net worth grow on paper? It’s like telling fish tales, except the fish is a skyscraper and the tale is under oath.
- Math Is Subjective Anyway
Who’s to say what numbers really mean? In a post-truth world, 2 + 2 can equal 5 if it feels right, and Trump’s financials have a lot of feelings. Mostly about the number 5, preceded by lots of other numbers.
- We’re Building Castles in the Sky, Literally
When your buildings are valued like a kid’s fantasy fort constructed of hopes, dreams, and pillow cushions, who needs pesky market appraisals? Besides, didn’t someone famous say, “A man’s home is his castle”? Trump probably heard, “A man’s assets are his rainbow fantasy.”
- Liquid Assets Flow Like Wine
Let’s raise a toast to the fluid nature of liquidity. In the grand vintages of Trump’s financial vineyard, a fine liquidity is worth savoring—especially when it’s as robust and full-bodied as Trump’s interpretation of the law.
The Hot Take:
With a bit of liberal magic and a pinch of righteous indignation, one could rebrand Trump’s overvaluations as the most ambitious performance art piece since Tilda Swinton slept in a box. But when the curtains fall and the art critics go home, what’s left is a man and his empire, possibly built on pillars of salted cash.
While Trump might have mastered the deal, James is poised to teach him about the appeal—the legal kind. If her allegations stick like the labels on Trump’s signature suits, the empire’s yarn could unravel faster than a toupee in a hurricane. As for fixing the problem, it’s simple: apply the law as evenly as the bronzer on a beauty pageant contestant. In the end, it’s possible that Ms. James could be the one to turn Trump’s financial bronzes into handcuff gold.
Source: POISED: Letitia James preparing to seize these Trump properties
