Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a dazzling display of cognitive dissonance that could only make sense in the world of politics, the Grand Old Party has sounded the alarm bells, but in hush-hush tones. It’s akin to whispering “fire” in a crowded theatre; a GOP group is urging caution against going full-throttle on attacking Joe Biden in the impending 2024 presidential battle.
The crux of their hidden manifesto is to pull punches, or quite simply, aim the cannons at their own feet and hope for a miss. Yes, this is the political version of playing Operation with a jackhammer, and it’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer at a glass blowing demonstration. Let’s break it down before it breaks itself down.
The Breakdown
- A Strategy as Stable as Jell-O: Let’s construct the delicate strategy of telling people who rally against “safe spaces” to play it safe. Picture it: hardened political operatives tiptoeing around like they just put baby down for a nap in a house made of Popsicle sticks.
Specifics: They’re not saying Biden is untouchable, but they’re pushing forward with the intrepid idea that maybe — just maybe — focusing solely on attacking the man might backfire like an old sedan pushing uphill in the rain. Shocker.
- Don’t Fear the Reaper or the Fact-Checker: In a world where facts are as malleable as Play-Doh, it’s recommended to be cautious of them pesky fact-checkers. Because, you know, facts sometimes have that inconvenient habit of being true.
Specifics: The suggestion is to avoid concocting tales so tall they dwarf skyscrapers, lest the self-appointed guardians of truth at the fact-check guild catch a whiff of nonsense. Even Pinocchio knew when to call it quits.
- Economics for Dummies, By Dummies: Rather than aiming at a moving target like persona, why not tackle something as steady and predictable as the economy? Of course, it’s always booming or dooming, depending on who’s asking and who’s ascribing.
Specifics: The guidance implies talking up economic turmoil without mentioning that economics is a beast with more moods than a tween at a pop concert. It’s bold to assume voters will nod along vigorously, forgetting the economic roller coaster rides of yesteryears.
- It’s Not You, It’s Us. No, Wait, It’s Definitely You: The GOP group suggests a strategy akin to a vague breakup text: keep the attacks impersonal. Focus on policies, not the man who’s about as threatening as a square of wet toilet paper stuck to a shoe.
Specifics: It’s a tug-of-war between blaming Biden for everything from bad weather to the economy while simultaneously using kid gloves whenever his name pops up. Because nothing says “tough” like pulling punches.
- Everybody Loves Somebody, Just Not This Somebody: It’s not the best look when you’re trying to win voters by disparaging the guy they elected last time. The memo is essentially pleading for Republicans to avoid painting Biden as the bogeyman, seeing as the bogeyman won once before.
Specifics: It’s a humbling admission that Biden, despite being as controversial as plain yogurt in the dairy aisle, can leave a bitter taste if the discourse turns into a streetfight against an old-timey boxer wearing mittens.
The Counter
- Bring Back The Good Old Days of Mud-Slinging: Look, isn’t the whole point of politics to throw mud until everyone’s dirty? If we stop now, we might have to discuss actual issues and heaven forbid, solutions!
- Keep Fact-Checkers Employed: Fact-checkers have families too, you know. By not giving them work, we’re essentially putting honest, hardworking nitpickers out of business. Think of the economy!
- Please Ignore The Man Behind The Economy: If we start making sense about economic policies and their actual impact, people might expect us to do it all the time. It’s a slippery slope to accountability and reason.
- He’s Too Old to Hit, But Not to Mock: Who says you have to attack someone to make a point? Let’s turn Biden into a meme, because that’s how mature adults handle political discourse.
- Make Bipartisanship Great Again: Wait, was it ever? Nevermind. Give ’em a good old “one-two punch;” one for the left, two for the right. What’s consistency when you’ve got one-liners?
The Hot Take
If we want to fix this so-called problem, clearly the solution is to craft policies so magnificent, so awe-inspiring, that they dazzle the electorate into blissful submission. Because let’s face it: we’re all just looking for a little less talk and a little more action. And by action, I mean well-thought-out policies rigorously debated and responsibly implemented. You know, fantasy stuff.
Instead, let’s give ’em the old razzle-dazzle: Sell them a narrative so enticing that they forget about the actual state of the nation. Propose a policy? That’s for policy wonks. We want vision! A vision with the clarity of a windshield smeared with fast-food grease, but hey, it’s a vision nonetheless.
In the end, remember: In the great circus of politics, it’s not about whether you win or lose; it’s about how well you juggle the flaming pins while riding the unicycle that’s on fire.
Source: GOP group privately warns against all-in Biden attacks in 2024
