Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what seems to be a rare victory lap for Mother Nature, the U.S. government chose Earth over earnings and restored protections for wildlife that had been stripped faster than a lobbyist’s integrity at a fundraising dinner. This comeback story features an administration trying to undo the environmental equivalent of a frat party hosted by industry tycoons in a national park. Now, birds, fish, and other non-voting residents of the wild are back on the protected list, making it slightly harder for companies to treat habitats like a game of Monopoly.
The Breakdown
- Bald Eagles Are Not Just Mascots, Folks
Here’s a shocker: Bald eagles, America’s symbol of freedom, were less free under previous regulations, facing the existential dread of habitat destruction. But hey, Liberty can’t lay eggs if her nest is replaced by an oil rig. So, cheer up, eagle fans; Uncle Sam says, “Sorry for the condo development scare.” - Real Estate on Wetlands: Now Slightly Less Likely
Developers had their eyes set on building waterfront properties. Only the water was in wetlands, crucial for ecological balance and not, surprisingly, infinity pools. Wetlands are back on the ‘do not disturb’ list, giving a whole swathe of species the chance to not be under threat from a bulldozer before their morning swim. - Fish on Prozac, Courtesy of Mining Runoff
Let’s give it up for the streams and creeks that won’t be tasting like a miner’s bad day at the office anymore. Big win for the finned ones who, believe it or not, prefer their water without a side of toxins. Who needs gills when you’re high on heavy metals, right? - ‘Endangered’ Sounds Less Romantic Than ‘Rare’
For those species lucky enough to be on the brink of extinction, congrats, you’re no longer trending! Federal protections are coming back, making it less hip to be rare. Because being ‘endangered’ is so last administration. - Migratory Birds Can Stop Carrying Passports
Migratory birds can finally lose the bureaucratics of crossing state lines. The resurgence of regulations makes it illegal again to unintentionally smack a flying visitor with your industrial activities. Pro tip: If you’re a bird, now’s a great time to not look accidental on your next migration.
The Counter
- But What About Our Poor, Starving Corporations?
Spare a thought for the CEOs now having to report fewer record-breaking profits to their shareholders. How can they sleep in their gold-plated yachts knowing there might be eagles nesting nearby? - Job Creators or Species Enders: A Tough Choice…
It’s indeed a sad day when you have to choose between annihilating a species and creating minimal wage jobs for half a fiscal quarter. The struggle is real. - Can Fish Even Vote?
There’s a reason fish don’t have a say in elections: they’d all vote water! Now they’re being granted protections just for swimming around, breathing… the nerve of some creatures. - Who Doesn’t Like Rare Animals?
Endangered species were just beginning to become exclusive, like collector’s items. Now, with protections back, anyone can see a snow leopard. They’re practically mainstream. - Remember Wetland Resorts?
Wetland resorts are a thing of the past, taking away our divine rights to jet-ski over where a bunch of frogs were probably doing irrelevant frog things. Because nothing says relaxation like evicting amphibians.
The Hot Take
On a serious note — because, damn it, even a comedian gets sincere about turning the tide on environmental disasters — if we want to keep things like air to breathe and water to drink (which I hear are somewhat important), we need to chuck the “profits over planet” playbook into the recycle bin. Then, actually recycle it.
That means holding corporations accountable for more than just their bottom line, voting for representatives who treat science as a fact rather than a lifestyle choice, and, I don’t know, maybe not paving paradise to put up a parking lot.
The wild applause from wildlife is deafening right now — figuratively, not literally, because congratulations, humans; we can’t actually hear bird claps. But if we can tackle the climate crisis with the same energy we reserve for online arguments and waiting in line for the newest iPhone, we just might have a shot at this whole ‘sustainable future’ thing.
So put on your greenest tie, hug the nearest tree (consensually), and let’s get to work on un-fracking the planet. After all, we’ve all got to live here. Yes, even the minnows, the warblers, and the beetles who don’t have a clue what a stock option is — they’re part of this messed-up family too.
Source: U.S. restores handful of wildlife protections axed by Trump
