Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a reality where ‘The Onion’ articles are starting to look like Pulitzer prize-winning investigative pieces, we’ve stumbled upon MAGA diehards getting their American flags in a twist because a federal judge decided to get chatty on a CNN segment. Now, I know that for MAGA devotees, ‘CNN’ is essentially a three-letter curse word, but hold onto your hats—because it turns out, judges are actual living, breathing people who have opinions.
And when they’re being threatened, they sometimes talk about it—LOUDLY—on national television. Heaven forbid! If the robe doesn’t quite muffle a judge’s voice like they hoped, they might just start acting like the rest of us mortals and, you know, communicate.
The Breakdown
- The Audacity of Robes
- Picture this: A judge, preferring not to be anonymized into the judicial ether, dares speak about being threatened for, well, judging. The nerve, right? Last time I checked, judges also had these pesky things called vocal cords. Next thing you know, they’ll want healthcare or something equally outrageous.
- Picture this: A judge, preferring not to be anonymized into the judicial ether, dares speak about being threatened for, well, judging. The nerve, right? Last time I checked, judges also had these pesky things called vocal cords. Next thing you know, they’ll want healthcare or something equally outrageous.
- CNN: The Letters of Doom
- CNN is to MAGA folks what kryptonite is to Superman, except Superman doesn’t spend all day tweeting about how kryptonite is fake news. This judge waltzed right into the lion’s den, and LORD, the MAGA legion can’t even right now! Ratings spiked, and so did blood pressures.
- CNN is to MAGA folks what kryptonite is to Superman, except Superman doesn’t spend all day tweeting about how kryptonite is fake news. This judge waltzed right into the lion’s den, and LORD, the MAGA legion can’t even right now! Ratings spiked, and so did blood pressures.
- A Judge on TV?! Preposterous!
- Judges on the telly? What’s next—politicians? It’s simply unheard of for a judge to come down from their lofty bench and walk among us peons. Especially not in the world of prime-time punditry, where only the most esteemed reality TV stars (and presidents) are given a platform.
- Judges on the telly? What’s next—politicians? It’s simply unheard of for a judge to come down from their lofty bench and walk among us peons. Especially not in the world of prime-time punditry, where only the most esteemed reality TV stars (and presidents) are given a platform.
- Can’t Handle the Gavel
- If the concept of a judge discussing threats to his family causes a volcanic eruption in the conservative echo chamber, imagine the chaos when they discover judges have, I don’t know, a say in law and order! Judges talking on television are disrupting the delicate balance of screaming talking heads required by cable news.
- If the concept of a judge discussing threats to his family causes a volcanic eruption in the conservative echo chamber, imagine the chaos when they discover judges have, I don’t know, a say in law and order! Judges talking on television are disrupting the delicate balance of screaming talking heads required by cable news.
- Freedom of Speech, But Not for Thee
- You’d think MAGA heartlands would go gaga over freedom of speech until it’s someone they disagree with. Suddenly, the First Amendment’s as unwelcome as an NPR tote bag at a gun show. And if that speech happens to criticize dear leader, well, that’s practically high treason.
- You’d think MAGA heartlands would go gaga over freedom of speech until it’s someone they disagree with. Suddenly, the First Amendment’s as unwelcome as an NPR tote bag at a gun show. And if that speech happens to criticize dear leader, well, that’s practically high treason.
The Counter
- Silence is Golden (Especially in Courtrooms)
- Sure, let’s strap a muzzle on anyone presiding over a courtroom. Makes sense if you think your every grievance must end with a Supreme Court showdown involving your very own judge—provided they speak exclusively through verdicts delivered via smoke signals.
- Sure, let’s strap a muzzle on anyone presiding over a courtroom. Makes sense if you think your every grievance must end with a Supreme Court showdown involving your very own judge—provided they speak exclusively through verdicts delivered via smoke signals.
- CNN: Clearly, Nothing but Nescience
- Because accurate information and well-rounded perspectives are to be avoided at all costs! CNN’s just the tip of the iceberg. Honestly, everywhere except your trusted echo-chamber brand of news should come with a government health warning: “May cause critical thinking.”
- Because accurate information and well-rounded perspectives are to be avoided at all costs! CNN’s just the tip of the iceberg. Honestly, everywhere except your trusted echo-chamber brand of news should come with a government health warning: “May cause critical thinking.”
- Judiciary on the Down-Low
- The most effective judges are those you’ve never heard of. They’re like judicial ninjas, swooping into the courtroom and leaving no trace of personality or opinion. Their chambers should be like those super-quiet rooms NASA uses to drive people insane. Silence is justice!
- The most effective judges are those you’ve never heard of. They’re like judicial ninjas, swooping into the courtroom and leaving no trace of personality or opinion. Their chambers should be like those super-quiet rooms NASA uses to drive people insane. Silence is justice!
- Keep the Laws, Lose the Commentary
- Judges should stick to their overbearing legal tomes and keep their societal critiques to their knitting clubs. Nevermind that half the country’s armchair legal experts after one viral Facebook post about constitutional rights.
- Judges should stick to their overbearing legal tomes and keep their societal critiques to their knitting clubs. Nevermind that half the country’s armchair legal experts after one viral Facebook post about constitutional rights.
- Constitution for Thee, but Not for Me
- Really, the Constitution is a flexible beast, best interpreted by those who have read at least three quarters of it on a bumper sticker. Selectively applied freedom of speech is the new norm, just like the founding fathers intended.
- Really, the Constitution is a flexible beast, best interpreted by those who have read at least three quarters of it on a bumper sticker. Selectively applied freedom of speech is the new norm, just like the founding fathers intended.
The Hot Take
So, where does that leave us? Clearly on the brink of a crisis of epic proportions: Judges, the kind who wear those flowy, unflattering robes, want in on the action. They’ve got things to say, and apparently, an audience to listen. My liberal hot take? Coat the Capitol in a fresh layer of free speech, give judges a megaphone, and let them preach.
If the MAGA choir can belt out conspiracy theories like they’ve got stock in aluminum foil, surely we can tune into a judge’s tell-all concert. Meanwhile, the rest of us can enjoy the world’s greatest reality show: American politics.
Want to fix this? Livestream every courtroom. Let’s make Judge Judy look like child’s play. Judges spewing legalese in real-time for everyone’s streaming pleasure. That’ll either increase our national IQ or have us all pledging allegiance to Judge Dredd’s law. Either way, it’s reality TV gold.
Source: MAGA outrage after federal judge appears on CNN to talk threats to him and his family
