Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Remember when stocks only went up? Me neither, but let’s pretend we do for the sake of this next piece of priceless performance art. The once-touted titan of turnover, Donald Trump’s media company, experienced a stock drop sharper than his wit—down by 12%. And although the stock market is as predictable as a squirrel on espresso, this particular plummet is as poetic as it is pecuniary.
The Breakdown
- Twitter’s Less Angry Birds: The platform that’s supposed to be Trump’s answer to Twitter, a place where free speech is as abundant as caps lock in a teenager’s angry text message, isn’t exactly… soaring.
- Specifics: Like a lemming realizing it’s too late to turn back, investors are starting to notice that the edge of the cliff is frightfully close, and gravity, much like reality, is a tough cookie to crumble.
- Specifics: Like a lemming realizing it’s too late to turn back, investors are starting to notice that the edge of the cliff is frightfully close, and gravity, much like reality, is a tough cookie to crumble.
- SPACtacular Failure?: The company went public via a SPAC, which is Wall Street speak for “We want to bypass the usual checks and balances, but it’s totally not suspicious, we promise.”
- Specifics: You know your financial vessel might hit troubled waters when your acronym sounds eerily similar to a sound effect from the old “Batman” TV show. Pow! Bam! SPAC!
- Specifics: You know your financial vessel might hit troubled waters when your acronym sounds eerily similar to a sound effect from the old “Batman” TV show. Pow! Bam! SPAC!
- The Art of the Sell-off: Courses on how to succeed in business without really trying are in short supply, as Trump’s company demonstrates the rarely seen sequel: “How to Descend in Business with Everyone Watching.”
- Specifics: It’s like Picasso decided to take up ice sculpting – intriguing, but bound to end in a puddle.
- Specifics: It’s like Picasso decided to take up ice sculpting – intriguing, but bound to end in a puddle.
- The Parler Games: With talks of merging with another social company for the free of speech, Parler, the company’s leadership seemed ready to play a game of Monopoly where everyone forgot to read the rules.
- Specifics: It’s the kind of move that makes you think, “Surely, it’s a stroke of genius or maybe just a regular stroke.”
- Specifics: It’s the kind of move that makes you think, “Surely, it’s a stroke of genius or maybe just a regular stroke.”
- The Meme Stock Blues: This isn’t your average GameStop fairy tale. When the Reddit crowd decides your stock isn’t meme-worthy, you know you’re not just in trouble, you’re in “no viral marketing” trouble.
- Specifics: The meme stock magic seems to have lost its sparkle, leaving this company looking less like a unicorn and more like a donkey in a party hat.
- Specifics: The meme stock magic seems to have lost its sparkle, leaving this company looking less like a unicorn and more like a donkey in a party hat.
The Counter
- Fortune’s Fickle Foundation: The best part of watching billionaires lose money? It’s like watching a game of high-stakes Monopoly where you don’t have to pretend to care about your cousin’s feelings.
- Specifics: Every loss is a slap in the face to statistics. And that’s a slapstick we can all enjoy.
- Specifics: Every loss is a slap in the face to statistics. And that’s a slapstick we can all enjoy.
- Stock Schadenfreude: It’s hard not to take a little pleasure in seeing the mighty fall, or in this case, taking the elevator straight down to the bargain bin of Wall Street.
- Specifics: There’s a German word for it, but let’s call it what it is—good old-fashioned American “I told you so.”
- Specifics: There’s a German word for it, but let’s call it what it is—good old-fashioned American “I told you so.”
- Environmental Benefits: Think of the paper saved now that stock certificates aren’t worth printing. It’s like an accidental win for the environment.
- Specifics: Every stock drop is another tree that gets to keep its bark—and we’re all about saving the planet, one misadventure at a time.
- Specifics: Every stock drop is another tree that gets to keep its bark—and we’re all about saving the planet, one misadventure at a time.
- Learning Opportunities Abound: There’s nothing like a high-profile flop to teach future generations about the perils of hubris. It’s free education.
- Specifics: Who knew investment portfolios could double as cautionary tales?
- Specifics: Who knew investment portfolios could double as cautionary tales?
- Comedy Goldmine: The gift that keeps on giving for every comedian, satirist, and late-night talk show host. It’s job security in its truest form.
- Specifics: When the news breaks, the jokes write themselves—sort of like this article.
- Specifics: When the news breaks, the jokes write themselves—sort of like this article.
The Hot Take
In a world where turntables spin faster than DJ policies, the answer to this capitalist conundrum might just lie in returning to good ol’ fashioned principles—like quality, integrity, and perhaps a business plan that extends beyond “If you build it, they will come (and bring their wallets).” Trump’s company needs a lesson that even a first-time lemonade stand tycoon would scoff at: the market responds to value, not to the braggadocio of its salesperson.
But if I were to fix this predicament with a liberal wrench, I’d suggest a dramatic reinvention. Scrap the whole “let’s make our own Twitter but without the fun” approach. Instead, invest in jack-in-the-boxes—they’re surprising, entertaining, and only mildly terrifying. Kinda like the past four years.
And hey, if that doesn’t work, there’s always the time-honored tradition of selling branded steaks. Because if there’s one thing people trust less than a SPAC, it’s a Trump steak past its expiration date.
Source: Donald Trump’s media company falls 12%, extends selloff
