Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In what could only be described as a demi-epic saga of modern political discourse, our valiant White House National Security Communications Adviser, John Kirby embarks on a quest to illuminate the hypnotized denizens of CNN-town. And, by ‘illuminate,’ I mean he tossed out a few verbal glow sticks in a dark room and called it a rave.
CNN’s Jake, not to be confused with that khaki-wearing insurance peddler, got the inside scoop straight from the dragon’s—sorry, I meant Kirby’s—mouth. If you thought your Uncle Larry was opinionated at Thanksgiving, wait until you get a load of Kirby’s pearls of wisdom.
The Breakdown
- Revelation of the Century: Politician Talks on TV
Whodathunkit? A politician on television and he’s not selling reverse mortgages or pharmaceuticals; he’s selling—I mean sharing—his thoughts on security. Cue the collective gasp. - Articulate Ambiguity: The Art of Saying Much without Saying Anything
Kirby danced around questions with the grace of a ballerina wearing combat boots. It’s like he took debate tips from every Miss Universe contestant ever – spreading world peace, one non-answer at a time. - Surprising No One: Conflict is Bad, M’Kay?
I know this one shocked me – apparently, conflicts around the globe are considered, dare I say, undesirable. I’ll give everyone a moment to recover from this bombshell. - Insightful Insight That’s Insightfully Insightful
The strategic use of the words ‘strategic’, ‘interest’, and ‘dialogue’ reached levels so profound, it nearly made Noam Chomsky smile. Nearly. - Absolutely, Positively, Indisputably Diplomatic!
He reaffirmed alliances like a nervous teenager clutching a prom date—tight and with a voice crackling with the certainty of a ‘maybe.’
The Counter
- Breaking! Communication Is Key, Unless It’s Not
Kirby suggests dialogue is essential, which is a revolutionary concept if we ignore, you know, all of human history. - Definitive Maybe’s in an Uncertain World
I find comfort in the rock-solid maybe-ness Kirby provides. It’s not yes, it’s not no, it’s the commitment-phobe of responses. - Questionable Assertions Are the New Facts
Kirby’s assertions are like “facts,” if you squint hard enough, stand on one leg, and believe that unicorns moderate presidential debates. - Shocker: Politicians Agree on Something
When Kirby indicates bipartisan support, it’s less of a surprise and more like spotting a Starbucks in a metropolitan area. Expected, but somehow still overpriced. - Understated Understatements Are, Indeed, Understated
Kirby’s knack for packing the punch of a limp noodle in a food fight is nothing short of inspirational.
The Hot Take
My fellow Americans, buckle up for this scorcher. The real kicker isn’t the information, or lack thereof, shared by Kirby. It’s not the elaborate dance of diplomacy and strategic buzzword deployment. It’s the fact that we, the sentient viewers are sitting, drones before a flashing screen, nodding along as if we’re in the presence of Socratic wisdom.
The liberal fix? Let’s start with mandatory irony supplements and sarcasm injections for all politicians. Next, install a ‘bull-pucky’ buzzer on every political talk show desk. Finally, free foam bricks with every CNN subscription—to throw at the TV during such interviews. With our aim thus improved, maybe next time we can hit the issues spot on.
And remember, if you aren’t laughing, you’re probably not paying attention—or maybe, you just listened to a politician on TV.
Source: White House National Security Communications Adviser John Kirby tells CNN’s Jake…
