Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a move that will surely have millions (or at least those few who actually track attendance at Supreme Court sessions) scratching their heads in confusion, Justice Clarence Thomas pulled a Houdini and vanished from the Supreme Court’s Monday session. No reason given, no note left, nothing. This level of mystery hasn’t been seen since that time my left sock disappeared from the dryer – and let’s be honest, that was a national crisis.
The Breakdown
- Invisible Ink on the Docket
- Thomas, usually a permanent fixture as solid as the gavel itself, must have scribbled his absence in invisible ink. Probably the same kind used to write those unwritten constitutional protections he can’t seem to find.
- Thomas, usually a permanent fixture as solid as the gavel itself, must have scribbled his absence in invisible ink. Probably the same kind used to write those unwritten constitutional protections he can’t seem to find.
- The Silent Justice Speaks… by Silence
- Known for his legendary silence on the bench, Clarence Thomas took it a step further by not just being quiet, but outright invisible! At this point, he’s less Justice Thomas and more a silent movie star in the making.
- Known for his legendary silence on the bench, Clarence Thomas took it a step further by not just being quiet, but outright invisible! At this point, he’s less Justice Thomas and more a silent movie star in the making.
- Hide-n-Seek: Supreme Court Edition
- Maybe Thomas is just prepping for the court’s annual hide-and-seek championship. Skipping work to strategize? Brilliant, Clarence, you’re it!
- Maybe Thomas is just prepping for the court’s annual hide-and-seek championship. Skipping work to strategize? Brilliant, Clarence, you’re it!
- Fashionably Late or Just RSVP’d ‘Nope’
- Fashionably late is one thing, but this no-show has us wondering if Thomas decided the Supreme Court just isn’t as ‘Supreme’ anymore. Maybe he’s out searching for a more superior court. The Galactic Court, perhaps?
- Fashionably late is one thing, but this no-show has us wondering if Thomas decided the Supreme Court just isn’t as ‘Supreme’ anymore. Maybe he’s out searching for a more superior court. The Galactic Court, perhaps?
- The Case of the Missing Explanation
- Just like those courtroom dramas where the key witness goes missing before the trial, Thomas’s lack of an explanation has us hanging more than that infamous chad. What’s the verdict, Justice? Overslept? Dog ate your robes?
- Just like those courtroom dramas where the key witness goes missing before the trial, Thomas’s lack of an explanation has us hanging more than that infamous chad. What’s the verdict, Justice? Overslept? Dog ate your robes?
The Counter
- Maybe It Was Opposite Day?
- If it was opposite day, Thomas showing up would actually mean not showing up. Ever think of that? Just trying to keep us on our constitutional toes, I guess.
- If it was opposite day, Thomas showing up would actually mean not showing up. Ever think of that? Just trying to keep us on our constitutional toes, I guess.
- Super Secret Jurist Business
- It’s not AWOL if it’s top secret Supreme Court business. Maybe he’s undercover, blending in with the general public to understand the ‘real America’. Look out for a man silently judging your supermarket choices.
- It’s not AWOL if it’s top secret Supreme Court business. Maybe he’s undercover, blending in with the general public to understand the ‘real America’. Look out for a man silently judging your supermarket choices.
- Comments Are for the Weak
- Thomas has previously gone ten years without asking a question from the bench. Maybe he decided comments are passé and presence is just so 20th century.
- Thomas has previously gone ten years without asking a question from the bench. Maybe he decided comments are passé and presence is just so 20th century.
- He’s Just Being Eco-Friendly
- Perhaps Thomas is reducing his carbon footprint by not using a car, a plane, or even a bike to get there. In fact, not going anywhere is the most eco-conscious choice of all!
- Perhaps Thomas is reducing his carbon footprint by not using a car, a plane, or even a bike to get there. In fact, not going anywhere is the most eco-conscious choice of all!
- That Famous Thomas Restraint
- We could argue Thomas’s no-show is just the ultimate display of judicial restraint. He’s so committed to the principle, he’s restraining his entire physical form from the courtroom.
- We could argue Thomas’s no-show is just the ultimate display of judicial restraint. He’s so committed to the principle, he’s restraining his entire physical form from the courtroom.
The Hot Take
If only we could vanish from our jobs without explanation and face no consequences – what a world that would be. But we’re not Supreme Court justices, are we? The solution here is simple: Let’s make a rule! From now on, every time a Justice decides to play hooky, we get to bring in a substitute.
I nominate the first person in line at the Costco return desk. They’re patient, determined, and clearly have nothing better to do. Plus, they’ve heard every complaint under the sun, making them perfectly qualified to weigh in on the nation’s gripes.
In conclusion, if Justice Thomas plans to maintain this level of elusiveness, we may have to slap a GPS tracker on his robe or perhaps introduce the “Where in the World is Clarence Thomas?” segment on national news. Whatever the case, let’s not forget the most important part of being a Supreme Court Justice is, you know, actually showing up.
Source: Justice Thomas misses Supreme Court session Monday with no explanation
