Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
So, apparently, the Supreme Court—all decked out in their somber robes behaving like the final chorus in a Greek tragedy—seems poised to stop the Biden Administration’s latest plan faster than a frat boy at a keg stand. The scheme on the chopping block? It’s a cheeky little effort to cut down on air pollution, presumably because clean air is far too bourgeoisie and someone’s gotta stand up for smog’s rights, am I right? The administration, in a wild fit of wanting to prevent us from needing gas masks for a stroll in the park, crafted a framework under the Clean Air Act that gives the EPA some muscle against greenhouse gas emissions from power plants. But the Supremes seem to think the EPA is flexing too hard. Because nothing spells America like letting power plants party on with carbon emissions until the break of dawn, or you know, the collapse of a stable climate.
The Breakdown
- Bullet the Blue Sky: Is it a U2 song or the new Supreme Court’s rallying cry against clean air regulations? Guess the justices don’t want anything to block their clear view of ancient, fossilized legal precedents.
- Air on the Side of Caution? Nah, Bore-snore!: Ah, caution, that pesky little word that the EPA seems too fond of. However, if there’s anything a Supreme Court Justice knows, it’s that taking precautions is for the weak, and who cares if younger generations get a pinch more carbon with their oxygen?
- A Power Plant’s Right to Party: Sure, the party’s over for Bear Grylls and his ‘untouched nature’ specials, but as far as our black-lunged power plants are concerned, their right to party hard with toxic emissions shall not be infringed!
- If the Heat Don’t Fit, You Must Acquit: Law and Order: Climate Victims Unit is in session, and surprisingly, it turns out that power plants aren’t guilty of warming a bench, just the planet. Who knew?
- The Green Panic: While the Green New Dealers quake in their boots fearing a world where their Tesla doesn’t singe the last dandelion, the court remains poised to inject a little more adrenaline into the coal industry’s sunset rave.
The Counter
- Let’s Not Be Rash with the Ash: Can’t you tree-huggers see? Those coal ash tattoos that rivers are sporting? They’re edgy! They’re modern! They’re… toxic. Well, nobody’s perfect.
- What’s a Little Smog Among Friends?: If you can’t host a barbecue in a haze of your own emissions, are you even living? Pass the carcinogens, please.
- The Fallback Plan – Invest in Gas Masks: Why fight for emissions control when you can spur the economy with a run on fashionable gas masks? Plus, they’re a great way to hide a bad tooth day.
- Climate Change? More Like Pocket Change: Look, if oceans get a bit more real estate and polar bears need swimming lessons, so be it. I mean, change is good, right? It’s practically pocket change – just several trillion dollars’ worth.
- Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For Your Lungs…: Because frankly, Scarlett, they don’t give a damn. It’s high time we breathe free, in every sense—free of regulations, and, incidentally, free of any actual breathing in a decade or two.
The Hot Take
Listen, the root of the matter is simple: we’ve got a bit of an air crisis fermenting, but fear not, I am here to pour a fresh pint of hot take. We don’t just need a fix; we need a fix that sounds like it was concocted in an open-mic after-party. Why not start by presenting each justice with a personalized snow globe filled with actual toxic sludge from our favorite smokestacks? It’ll be a keepsake and a handy respiratory test all-in-one.
Next up, employ the ol’ switcheroo on Capitol Hill – replace every air conditioning unit with a personal coal furnace. Ah, the smell of democracy! Then we petition Blue Ivy to write a song about carbon emissions. If Beyoncé’s daughter can’t get Congress to care about the air, nothing can. Finally, on the off chance those things don’t quite clear the smog, we can always fall back on the ever-reliable climate solution – denial paired with a good bottle of Scotch!
Source: Supreme Court Seems Ready to Block a Biden Plan on Air Pollution
