Map Sales Skyrocket as Congress Scrambles to Locate Iran Pre-Bombing

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

In the hectic circus that is American politics, where every day feels like a bad hair day in a wind tunnel, Representative Cori Bush has decided to play the role of the voice of reason amidst the cacophony of war drums. Her recent criticism of her warmongering colleagues in Congress over their saber-rattling antics against Iran is like a lone violin note piercing through a death metal concert. In her view, screaming ‘bomb them!’ at every international disagreement is as unconstitutional as pineapple on pizza is to an Italian chef. Buckle up, because we’re diving headfirst into her scathing rebuke of Capitol Hill’s hawkish posture, and we’re doing it with the finesse of a giraffe on roller skates.

The Breakdown

1. Constitutional Cosplay:
   • It appears Congress members love to dress up as defenders of the Constitution until it involves authorizing military strikes. Then, it’s like ‘Constitution? Never met her.’ Cori Bush insists that some lawmakers’ wardrobe malfunctions lead to blatant disregard for constitutional processes—mainly, the teeny-weeny detail that only Congress can declare war.
     
     
2. War: What Is It Good For?:
   • Well, absolutely nothing, according to the anti-war choir, but that memo seems to have ended up in Congress’s spam folder. Bush accuses her colleagues of beating the war drums so hard they’ve got blisters, all while staying out of tune with what ‘We the People’ actually want.
     
     
3. I Can’t Hear You Over the Sound of How Awesome My Bombs Are:
   • There’s something about the roar of fighter jets that apparently gives certain legislators hearing problems—especially when it comes to concerns about the legality or consequences of military action. Bush is in the back, yelling, “Maybe try a hearing aid?” but gets drowned out by the sound of explosions in the distance.
     
     
4. Diplomacy, Schmiplomacy:
   • Who needs diplomacy when you have shiny military toys? Some of Bush’s buddies on the Hill seem to think foreign policy is a game of Battleship, not a chess match. Bush probably wants to grab them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them—while whispering, “Use your words, not your guided missiles.”
     
     
5. Do You Even Know Where Iran Is?:
   • Let’s be real: half the folks itching for conflict would struggle to find Iran on a map if it was labeled with flashing neon signs. But geography’s hard when you’re busy ignoring international laws and the potential for catastrophic outcomes, right?
     

The Counter

1. Peace Is So Last Season:
   • C’mon, peace is dull, it doesn’t make headlines or give you that adrenaline rush. Besides, how will our brave lawmakers fill their spare time if not by playing Risk with actual countries?
     
     
2. Checks and Balances Are More Guidelines:
   • Let’s not get caught up in the nitty-gritty of ‘who has the power to declare what.’ Those are just guidelines, like the ‘Pirates Code.’ And we all know how serious pirates are about rules.
     
     
3. Think of the Economy:
   • War is big business—just ask any defense contractor. Why worry about boring things like ‘escalating conflict’ and ‘loss of life’ when there’s money to be made?
     
     
4. International Law? More Like International Suggestion:
   • Let’s face it, international law is like a user manual; everyone knows it’s there, but no one actually reads it. It’s more of a suggestion than anything else, right?
     
     
5. If You’ve Seen One Middle East Country, You’ve Seen ‘Em All:
   • Who needs to acknowledge the rich cultural diversity and complex geopolitics of the Middle East when you can just generalize the whole region as ‘over there.’ Much easier!
     

The Hot Take

In a world where common sense is less common than a unicorn in a subway, Cori Bush’s stance on the unconstitutionality of Congress’s war brinkmanship is like a refreshing splash of cold water on America’s hot mess of foreign affairs. So here’s a liberal hot-take solution served with a side of sarcasm: how about we stick to what the forefathers scribbled down and let Congress do its job when deciding whether to play Battleship in the real world?

Maybe focus on funding education, healthcare, or, I don’t know, literally anything that doesn’t involve cruise missiles? Sure, it’s as radical as suggesting we eat pizza with our hands instead of using a fork and knife, but sometimes the craziest ideas are just what the doctor ordered to cure our war fever.

Source: Cori Bush: Lawmakers’ Warmongering Against Iran Is “Blatantly Unconstitutional”