Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Breakdown
In a move that would have made Orwell drop his tea, some lawmakers are playing the retro card and seeking to disavow the Supreme Court’s “Insular Cases”. These are the dusty, old, and oh-so-racist artifacts that once set the gold standard for how to treat people in U.S. territories like second-class citizens.
- The “Supreme” Oopsie Daisy: Apparently, the highest court in the land once deemed it okay to limit the rights of those living in U.S. territories because they were, and I quote, “alien races, differing from us in religion, customs… and modes of thought”. So, you know, basically the same reasons my uncle uses to justify why he never leaves Wisconsin.
- Specifics: These cases date back to the early 1900s, when the U.S. was acquiring new territories faster than a Monopoly player with a cheat sheet. The Supreme Court decided that the Constitution didn’t fully apply to these regions, because the complexity of having to deal with people who didn’t look or talk like them was just too much high-level jurisprudence for the times.
- Specifics: These cases date back to the early 1900s, when the U.S. was acquiring new territories faster than a Monopoly player with a cheat sheet. The Supreme Court decided that the Constitution didn’t fully apply to these regions, because the complexity of having to deal with people who didn’t look or talk like them was just too much high-level jurisprudence for the times.
- Equal Rights: Subject to Location: The Insular Cases essentially set up a geographic lottery for fundamental rights. Live on the mainland? You’ve hit the rights jackpot, baby! Live anywhere else? Sorry, play again.
- Specifics: Under these cases, if you’re in Puerto Rico or another territory, you can forget about full constitutional rights. You might be a U.S. citizen, but that’s sort of like having a gym membership and finding out the weights and machines are extra.
- Specifics: Under these cases, if you’re in Puerto Rico or another territory, you can forget about full constitutional rights. You might be a U.S. citizen, but that’s sort of like having a gym membership and finding out the weights and machines are extra.
- Selective Memory: It’s heartwarming to see lawmakers finally take a stand against decisions made when their great-grandparents were in diapers. Better late than never, right? But hey, timing is everything, and by everything, I mean “convenient for when people start paying attention.”
- Specifics: The push to formally reject these old cases comes after a century of everyone mostly forgetting they existed. It’s sort of like finding mold in your house and only deciding to deal with it because the guests are coming over.
- Specifics: The push to formally reject these old cases comes after a century of everyone mostly forgetting they existed. It’s sort of like finding mold in your house and only deciding to deal with it because the guests are coming over.
- The “Territorial” in Territorial Rights: Let’s be honest, the term ‘territorial rights’ has always had as much clarity as my glasses after walking through a car wash. But surely, a century is enough to work out the kinks, huh?
- Specifics: What we’re dealing with here is a blend of ambiguity and neglect when it comes to the rights of territories. It’s like if the Bill of Rights had a “Terms and Conditions may apply” section at the bottom.
- Specifics: What we’re dealing with here is a blend of ambiguity and neglect when it comes to the rights of territories. It’s like if the Bill of Rights had a “Terms and Conditions may apply” section at the bottom.
- Democracy Lite™: For a country that loves exporting democracy like it’s the new Avengers movie, we sure have a weird way of practicing it at home—or rather, in the homes we own but don’t fully consider part of our home. Confusing, right? Welcome to territorial rights!
The Counter
- The Constitutional Gray Zone: Who doesn’t love a good, ol’ constitutional debate about whether or not the U.S. territories are covered by the 14th Amendment? It’s about as clear as a bourbon on the rocks after the ice has melted.
- Specifics: The argument here is whether being part of the U.S. grants you all rights or just an à la carte menu. My advice? Pick the full buffet, or you’re just settling for constitutional tapas.
- Specifics: The argument here is whether being part of the U.S. grants you all rights or just an à la carte menu. My advice? Pick the full buffet, or you’re just settling for constitutional tapas.
- Voting Schmoting: So what if you can’t vote for President? Democracy is overrated anyhow, isn’t it? Just enjoy the spectacle from the nosebleed seats.
- Specifics: Territories get to taste the appetizer of U.S. elections but never the main course, making their political influence about as potent as a decaffeinated coffee.
- Specifics: Territories get to taste the appetizer of U.S. elections but never the main course, making their political influence about as potent as a decaffeinated coffee.
- Uncle Sam’s Selective Hearing: The U.S. government has a long history of selective hearing when it comes to its territories. “Oh, you want equal rights? Sorry, we thought you said light beers.”
- Specifics: It’s not that the federal government is ignoring the territories. It’s just that they’ve been placed on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ list for… well, forever.
- Specifics: It’s not that the federal government is ignoring the territories. It’s just that they’ve been placed on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ list for… well, forever.
- One Nation, Under… Wait, Which Flag?: Sure, the idea of unity is great, but let’s have some fun with the “elements” of these territories. Diversity is the spice of life, and legal jurisdiction, apparently.
- Specifics: By treating territories differently, it’s like saying, “We’re all in this together… but you guys over there, you’re in it a little less.”
- Specifics: By treating territories differently, it’s like saying, “We’re all in this together… but you guys over there, you’re in it a little less.”
- Taxation to Relaxation: Who needs representation with their taxation, right? That stress about who’s in the Oval Office can really take a toll on your beach time.
- Specifics: Territories like Puerto Rico pay taxes but lack voting rights in federal elections, turning ‘No taxation without representation’ into more of a historical catchphrase than a practiced principle.
- Specifics: Territories like Puerto Rico pay taxes but lack voting rights in federal elections, turning ‘No taxation without representation’ into more of a historical catchphrase than a practiced principle.
The Hot Take
Let’s get real for a hot minute. If the U.S. wants to practice what it preaches about democracy, maybe it’s time to enfranchise those living room annexes we call territories. It’s like telling your kid brother he’s part of the family, but he can’t have any ice cream.
We need to scoop up some justice and sprinkle equal rights all over this constitutional sundae. It’s 2024, folks – we have the technology to make a selfie filter that turns your face into a taco; surely, we can update our laws to give all U.S. citizens their voting rights.
