Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Breakdown:
- Sanctions Shmansions: So the White House is throwing new sanctions at Iran like confetti at a parade that nobody wants to attend. What’s the plan here? We slap on some economic wrist slaps and hope they say “Oh no, not my Persian rugs!”?
- Last time I checked, sanctions were about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. They’re supposed to make Iran think twice about aggressive actions, but it’s more like putting a “Please Do Not Touch” sign on the cookie jar in a kindergarten class.
- Last time I checked, sanctions were about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. They’re supposed to make Iran think twice about aggressive actions, but it’s more like putting a “Please Do Not Touch” sign on the cookie jar in a kindergarten class.
- The Israeli Connection: Israel decided to do a bit of aerial remodeling in Iran, and suddenly the U.S. is the friend jumping in the fight yelling “Hold my beer”.
- Why does it feel like we’re always the third wheel in a bad international love triangle? If these sanctions were a Facebook relationship status, they’d be “It’s Complicated”, with the U.S. trying to define a three-way relationship between itself, Israel, and Iran.
- Why does it feel like we’re always the third wheel in a bad international love triangle? If these sanctions were a Facebook relationship status, they’d be “It’s Complicated”, with the U.S. trying to define a three-way relationship between itself, Israel, and Iran.
- Optics Over Action: Look at the government, wearing their serious faces and pretending to solve issues by sending in a strongly worded letter.
- If only real problems could be solved with the same energy they use to craft those press releases. “Dear Iran, could you please refrain from doing things that make us look bad? No? Well, we tried.”
- If only real problems could be solved with the same energy they use to craft those press releases. “Dear Iran, could you please refrain from doing things that make us look bad? No? Well, we tried.”
- The Economic Consequences: The sanctions are like that one friend who says, “I’m going to start a diet” while they’re inhaling a double cheeseburger.
- We’re targeting Iran’s economy because nothing says “democracy” like a little economic starvation. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that ordinary people definitely blame their own government for this, not the one imposing the sanctions, right?
- We’re targeting Iran’s economy because nothing says “democracy” like a little economic starvation. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that ordinary people definitely blame their own government for this, not the one imposing the sanctions, right?
- The Bandwagon Effect: Everyone’s jumping on the sanctions bandwagon like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party.
- European allies are nodding along because, why not? It’s not like international relations are delicate right now or anything. What could possibly go wrong with a little more international tension?
- European allies are nodding along because, why not? It’s not like international relations are delicate right now or anything. What could possibly go wrong with a little more international tension?
The Counter:
- Tickle Me Sanctions: Because if you tickle the economy just right, everything will surely fall into place. Peace through laughter, anyone?
- Tickle-me Elmo had a better chance at global peace than these sanctions. Maybe it’s like acupuncture; you know, you hit the right pressure point and voila, instant compliance!
- Tickle-me Elmo had a better chance at global peace than these sanctions. Maybe it’s like acupuncture; you know, you hit the right pressure point and voila, instant compliance!
- Airstrikes Anonymous: Maybe Israel didn’t mean to hit Iran; it was just a friendly flyover gone horribly wrong?
- It’s like they say, “Oopsy-daisy, did my bombs just accidentally level your infrastructure? Silly me.” These things happen in the neighbourhood, am I right?
- It’s like they say, “Oopsy-daisy, did my bombs just accidentally level your infrastructure? Silly me.” These things happen in the neighbourhood, am I right?
- Press Release Warfare: Those press releases are the real weapons of mass destruction here.
- The pen is mightier than the sword, or in this case, the B-52 bomber. It’s all about who writes the most strongly worded condemnation, isn’t it?
- The pen is mightier than the sword, or in this case, the B-52 bomber. It’s all about who writes the most strongly worded condemnation, isn’t it?
- Hunger Games – Sanction Edition: The economy will thrive under the pressure, right? After all, nothing like a bit of financial starvation to get the blood pumping.
- If the ordinary citizens are hungry enough, they’ll surely rise up and demand a new, U.S.-friendly regime. Because historically, starving populations always make rational, pro-democracy choices.
- If the ordinary citizens are hungry enough, they’ll surely rise up and demand a new, U.S.-friendly regime. Because historically, starving populations always make rational, pro-democracy choices.
- Unite and Fight: Yes, world, let’s get together and impose sanctions. It’s like a group project where everyone’s input is equally unhelpful.
- When has getting the gang together for a round of economic snubbing ever backfired? Cross fingers, throw the economic dart, and hope for a bullseye on world peace, right?
- When has getting the gang together for a round of economic snubbing ever backfired? Cross fingers, throw the economic dart, and hope for a bullseye on world peace, right?
The Hot Take:
What’s hotter than a fresh batch of sanctions straight from the White House kitchen? Let me serve you up a steaming hot take that’ll solve all our problems. First off, how about we just stop with the sanction casserole and start cooking up real solutions, like dialogues that don’t involve exploding projectiles
Next, let’s sprinkle in some genuine international cooperation that doesn’t taste like “We’re only here because you made us”. And for the final garnish, toss in a pinch of humility—because nothing says “We’re sorry for messing up” like acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, we’re part of the problem. Bon appétit, world!
Source: White House to announce new sanctions on Iran following Israel airstrike
