Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh, Arizona, how brilliantly regressive you can be! Buckling down on those good ol’ days of 1864 when the telegraph was the height of communication and medicine was, well, let’s just say “quaint” – the Grand Canyon state’s GOP reaffirmed their deep-seated nostalgia for the days of yore. They decided that the state’s ancient abortion law, older than the Saguaro cacti dotting their arid landscape, was a keeper!
The move by Arizona Republicans is a hat tip to ‘times gone by’ and an eyebrow-raiser to everyone dwelling in this century. This law, as crusty as it is archaic, has triggered the expected hullabaloo with Democrats likely needing a cartload of smelling salts to revive after fainting on hearing the news.
The Breakdown
- Horse-Drawn Legislation
In a world where cars are self-driving and phones are smart, Arizona Republicans prefer the legislative equivalent of a horse and buggy. It’s so old-school, historians are squinting at the dust it’s kicking up. - The Fondness for the Flintstones
GOP’s affection for predating women’s suffrage is nothing short of a heartfelt ode to Bedrock. One can only assume the next item on their agenda might be using woolly mammoths as eco-friendly vacuum cleaners. - Time-Traveling Politics
Arizona’s lawmakers seem to own a secret DeLorean, as their decision takes us back to a time when ‘anesthesia’ was a stiff drink and a leather strap to bite on. The future, it seems, is just too mainstream for their tastes. - Dial-up Internet Decisions
In the age of high-speed internet, Arizona’s GOP’s decision-making appears to be buffering at the speed of dial-up: slow, noisy, and liable to cut out at any moment. - Candlelit Conservatism
As the rest of the world embraces the LED revolution, Republicans in Arizona illuminate their way with good old-fashioned candles. Who needs electricity when you’ve got tradition?
The Counter
- Pony Express Efficiency
If Arizona’s GOP wants to cling to antique laws, shouldn’t they practice what they preach? I propose official state legislation be delivered exclusively by the Pony Express. Efficiency be damned! - Churn Your Butter, Fuel Your Car
In keeping with the love for the past, I suggest replacing all gas stations with butter churning stations. After all, who needs petrol when you have good, old-fashioned elbow grease? - The Stork Theory of Reproduction
Let’s dive headfirst into myth and suggest that babies are delivered by storks. It negates the need for any reproductive rights if we just pretend women aren’t involved in the process. - Quill Pens for All
Since we’re rolling back the clock, it’s high time to say goodbye to ballpoints and hellos to feather quills. Let’s just ignore the fact that there’s no autocorrect for ink blots. - Rock-Solid Cellular Devices
Smartphones? Too new-age. I’m advocating for a return to two tin cans connected by string for all state communication. The reception’s a bit dodgy, but the nostalgia’s worth it.
The Hot Take
In the spirit of my signature fiery rant: Wake up, Arizona! It’s the 21st century, and your legislative decisions have more in common with a “Little House on the Prairie” rerun than modern-day governance. Here’s a crazy idea: how about we strap on our jetpacks, soar past the antiquated attitudes of 1864 and actually observe human rights progress made in the last couple of centuries?
We take a scorching hot stand, legislate with both feet firmly planted in the now and say goodbye to the fun, yet wildly impractical, stirrups of the past. It’s time to take the sarcasm down a notch and get real – women’s bodies aren’t time capsules, and their rights aren’t antiques to be dusted off and marveled at.
If we’re looking for a way to fix the problem – and let’s be clear, it’s broken – we might try using contemporary tools like empathy, science, and a smidge of common sense. Who knows, next thing you’ll be telling me we should treat women like equals with autonomy. Radical, I know.
Source: DOUBLING DOWN: Arizona Republicans vote to keep 1864 abortion law for a 2ND TIME
