Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a world where you can get a burger faster than you can dial 911, it’s no surprise that our expectations of timely and fair justice are about as high as my hopes for an honest politician. But hold onto your hats, because the Los Angeles Police Department has given us a new punchline to an old joke.
An LAPD officer who apparently confused a department store for the O.K. Corral has been given a free pass after fatally shooting a 14-year-old girl. That’s right, folks. In a plot twist seen by no one, an officer won’t face charges for what is arguably the world’s deadliest game of hide and seek. You might want to sit down for this one.
The Breakdown
- We’ve Got a Marksman Over Here: Because hitting your target through a wall without even seeing it? That takes talent. Or maybe it’s just a new level of hide-and-seek that I wasn’t aware of.
Specifics: Seems our sharpshooter here was gunning for a suspect and decided that walls—a teenager’s notorious natural enemy—were merely suggestions. The bullets lodged into the store’s dress aisle and into Valentina Orellana-Peralta, a move that’ll surely be added to the “What Not to Do” section of the LAPD training manual.
- Bullseye on Due Process: Who needs a trial when you’ve got… I don’t know, psychic powers? Evidence is so last season.
Specifics: Despite the whole incident being caught on a body cam—a device more known for its dramatic filmography than accountability lately—our boys in blue have decided that a court case is just too mainstream.
- Accountability, the Mythical Unicorn: We’ve searched far and wide, over rainbows and through the mystical forests of bureaucracy, but alas, it eludes us still.
Specifics: The DA figured that there’s no way they could possibly convince a jury that shooting through walls and killing someone could be considered a misfire. It’s probably the same reason I can’t convince my barista that I ordered a latte, not a lesson in humility.
- Legal Gymnastics: Screw the Olympics, the legal backflips here deserve a gold medal.
Specifics: Dodging responsibility must be in the water over there, because the LAPD and the DA’s office are doing circus-worthy feats of reasoning to explain why this whole fiasco is just one big “oopsie.”
- Safety Not Guaranteed: Next time you’re shopping, remember to bring your bulletproof vest. It’s the latest trend in surviving the clearance sales.
Specifics: Let’s just say, if there was a Yelp review for safety based on this scenario, we’d be in negatives. Meanwhile, the unsuspecting aisles of stores are the new no-man’s-land—just another day in America.
The Counter
- The Marksman Was Just Trying to Save Money: Who needs to buy bullets when you can just keep using the same ones over and over as they pass through multiple walls?
- Speedy Trials Are Overrated: Why rush to judgment when you can achieve immortality by dragging the case out forever? After all, patience is a virtue—especially when waiting for justice.
- Accountability Is So Passé: It’s like skinny jeans. Sure, they were once in, but now, we’re all about those baggy, ‘no fault here’ trousers.
- Our Legal Heroes: If there were a legal Avengers, these guys would be like Hawkeye – sure, they’re in the team picture, but does anyone really know what they’re doing there?
- Safety Instructions Included: Next time you enter a store, make sure you read the fine print on your receipt that doubles as a last will and testament, just in case.
The Hot Take
If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that common sense and common law are two very different things. So here’s a scorching hot take: How about we try not to shoot first and ask questions later? Radical, I know.
Maybe even implement a dazzling new concept called “de-escalation.” We’ll make it as trendy as avocado toast. Then, let’s sprinkle a little accountability all over the police force like it’s pixie dust, and watch justice actually take flight.
Source: Los Angeles police officer who killed girl, 14, in department store will not face charges
