Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In the dead of night, when most of America was sound asleep, dreaming of freedom and privacy, our fearless leaders in the Senate decided that the Sandman can wait because there’s surveillance to be done! Just moments before the witching hour, they passed an extension of a key U.S. surveillance program, ensuring that Big Brother kept his all-seeing eye wide open. So when you thought your midnight snack was a secret, think again, because Uncle Sam might just be munching along with you, metaphorically speaking, of course.
The Breakdown
- Congratulations on Making Curfew, Senate!: How adorable, our elected snoozers, I mean senators, managed to roll out of bed and dust off their suits to pass critical legislation in what we could lovingly call a legislative nightcap.
- Picture it now: bleary-eyed politicians, clutching their cups of Joe, bumbling around the Senate floor, all to ensure that the not-at-all Orwellian-sounding surveillance programs stay alive. Who needs sleep when democracy’s on a caffeine drip?
- Picture it now: bleary-eyed politicians, clutching their cups of Joe, bumbling around the Senate floor, all to ensure that the not-at-all Orwellian-sounding surveillance programs stay alive. Who needs sleep when democracy’s on a caffeine drip?
- Privacy Schmivacy: Ain’t nobody got time for old-fashioned ideas like “privacy,” right?
- Turns out the only private thing left might be our thoughts, and I’m sure someone in Silicon Valley is working on a chip for that. Meanwhile, the Senate gives a thumbs up to keeping tabs on us through this legislative peephole. Smile, you’re on candid camera!
- Turns out the only private thing left might be our thoughts, and I’m sure someone in Silicon Valley is working on a chip for that. Meanwhile, the Senate gives a thumbs up to keeping tabs on us through this legislative peephole. Smile, you’re on candid camera!
- Deadline Schmedline: Why do today what you can put off until 11:59 PM, right after the popcorn’s popped?
- Nothing’s more thrilling than the ticking sound of a legislative clock. If lawmaking had a halftime show, this would be it — complete with a buzzer-beater that any NBA player would envy.
- Nothing’s more thrilling than the ticking sound of a legislative clock. If lawmaking had a halftime show, this would be it — complete with a buzzer-beater that any NBA player would envy.
- Extended Surveillance is the New Black: Who needs Netflix when we’ve got nonstop surveillance action courtesy of our own government?
- Just when you thought your viewing habits were the most binge-worthy happening, along comes Congress with a plot twist straight out of a dystopian series. Get your popcorn ready; privacy is out, government peeping is in. No subscription required.
- Just when you thought your viewing habits were the most binge-worthy happening, along comes Congress with a plot twist straight out of a dystopian series. Get your popcorn ready; privacy is out, government peeping is in. No subscription required.
- “Essential” Programs: Because what’s more essential than watching you, watching me, accidentally wearing my shirt inside out on a Zoom call?
- I bet you thought “essential” meant hospitals, firefighters, and pizza delivery. Nope. It’s making sure the federal eyes in the sky (or in your phone, or in your laptop) get their daily dose of your riveting life.
- I bet you thought “essential” meant hospitals, firefighters, and pizza delivery. Nope. It’s making sure the federal eyes in the sky (or in your phone, or in your laptop) get their daily dose of your riveting life.
The Counter
- Sleep Is For the Weak: So what if the Senate likes pulling all-nighters? Who needs rest and deliberation when there’s control to be exerted?
- Sure, let’s turn constitutional debates into Netflix marathons. Because nothing bad ever happened from making hasty decisions on complex issues, right?
- Sure, let’s turn constitutional debates into Netflix marathons. Because nothing bad ever happened from making hasty decisions on complex issues, right?
- Who Needs a Privacy Anyway?: Live a little! Or rather, live a lot… on display, because true experiences happen under the gaze of your friendly national lookout.
- Forget private moments or quiet reflection; those are so 20th century. Transparency is the new personal space!
- Forget private moments or quiet reflection; those are so 20th century. Transparency is the new personal space!
- Procrastination Nation: They’ve turned governing into an extreme sport — now let’s see who can vote closest to the deadline!
- High fives all around for squeaking by without a second to spare. Efficiency? More like adrenaline rush governance!
- High fives all around for squeaking by without a second to spare. Efficiency? More like adrenaline rush governance!
- All-Access Pass: Why stop at internet data? Let’s get some drones with live feeds in every home. For safety. And for science.
- Don’t worry, it’s all part of the reality show called “Democracy in the 21st Century.” Spoiler alert: it gets renewed every season.
- Don’t worry, it’s all part of the reality show called “Democracy in the 21st Century.” Spoiler alert: it gets renewed every season.
- Essentially Yours: Essential surveillance is the government’s love letter to you. They just care so darn much!
- It’s comforting, really, like a warm blanket of constant, never blinking, probably-not-judgmental-but-maybe-just-a-little surveillance.
- It’s comforting, really, like a warm blanket of constant, never blinking, probably-not-judgmental-but-maybe-just-a-little surveillance.
The Hot Take
Look, if I wanted an audience for every moment of my thrilling life—like when I’m choosing between watching paint dry or grass grow—I would’ve gone into reality TV. But since the Senate seems intent on renewing their subscription to our mundane existences, here’s a novel idea: how about we turn the cameras around? It’s only fair, right?
Perhaps every senator gets their own live feed, complete with the mundane details of their bureaucratic ballet. Then we can all grab our snacks and tune in for the exciting moment they choose which civil liberty to chip away at next!
And if that doesn’t give you a chuckle, let’s consider real solutions: transparent processes, public forums on privacy rights, and a low tolerance for the midnight oil lawmaking that smells more like smoke and mirrors than diligent governance. We want a government that clocks in full-time for our rights, not a slapdash, sleepwalking Senate.
Funny how the people so passionate about reducing government oversight of business can’t wait to oversee us regular folks. It’s like we’re all in a backwards episode of “Black Mirror,” but this time, it’s “Maroon Mirror,” because, you know, the red tape—it’s everywhere!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smile at a streetlight—apparently, it’s my best angle for the Capitol cam.
Source: Senate passes renewal of key U.S. surveillance program just after midnight deadline
