Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
When you think the theater of the absurd has finally closed its doors, a quick peek at the ongoing Donald-Trump-legal-drama series confirms it’s a forever franchise. According to a recently resurfaced expert, trying to decelerate Trump’s New York criminal case is as futile as using a fishing net for an umbrella – it just doesn’t hold water. Here’s the jest of the gist: Trump’s high-speed legal chase isn’t halting for anyone or anything. It’s like ‘Pac-Man’ but with subpoenas instead of ghosts.
The Breakdown:
- Legal Limbo: How Low Can You Go?
- Apparently, there’s a twister of legalese that’s more knotted than my last attempt at holiday lights. Trump’s defense team is limbering up to the idea that courtroom yoga might include bending the law into a pretzel to stall the case. Stretching? Absolutely.
- Apparently, there’s a twister of legalese that’s more knotted than my last attempt at holiday lights. Trump’s defense team is limbering up to the idea that courtroom yoga might include bending the law into a pretzel to stall the case. Stretching? Absolutely.
- The Art of the Snail’s Pace:
- Trump’s legal maneuvers are slower than molasses in January. But don’t worry, it’s all part of the art! The Art of Stagnation, where the key technique is taking things so painfully slow that even a calendar starts to sweat.
- Trump’s legal maneuvers are slower than molasses in January. But don’t worry, it’s all part of the art! The Art of Stagnation, where the key technique is taking things so painfully slow that even a calendar starts to sweat.
- The ‘But Your Honor!’ Defense:
- His lawyers’ strategy seems to be an endless chorus of ‘But Your Honor!’ Every point brought up by the prosecution is met with a dramatic objection, sounding more like a whiny teenager than a composed legal argument. By the time they’re done, the judge might just need a hearing aid.
- His lawyers’ strategy seems to be an endless chorus of ‘But Your Honor!’ Every point brought up by the prosecution is met with a dramatic objection, sounding more like a whiny teenager than a composed legal argument. By the time they’re done, the judge might just need a hearing aid.
- Subpoena Dodgeball:
- If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a subpoena, or so Trump’s team seems to think. It’s become a game of legal dodgeball with documents flying left and right – duck, deflect, and delay.
- If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a subpoena, or so Trump’s team seems to think. It’s become a game of legal dodgeball with documents flying left and right – duck, deflect, and delay.
- Appeal to the Court of Public Opinion:
- When all else fails, turn to the good old court of public opinion. Trump knows how to play the victim like a fiddle – if that fiddle was made of tweets and aired grievances. Forget about the actual courtroom; it’s the drama we crave!
- When all else fails, turn to the good old court of public opinion. Trump knows how to play the victim like a fiddle – if that fiddle was made of tweets and aired grievances. Forget about the actual courtroom; it’s the drama we crave!
The Counter:
- Speedy Trial? Not in the Big Apple:
- In the land of New York, timings are more of a suggestion. Just like their pizza slices, court cases are bigger, loaded, and take forever to finish. Can’t rush perfection or corruption!
- In the land of New York, timings are more of a suggestion. Just like their pizza slices, court cases are bigger, loaded, and take forever to finish. Can’t rush perfection or corruption!
- The ‘We Need More Time!’ Plea:
- More time for what? To catalog the entire Twitter archive for potential defense exhibits? Trump’s legal team is acting like me trying to file my taxes – clawing for every extension they can get their hands on, only less funny.
- More time for what? To catalog the entire Twitter archive for potential defense exhibits? Trump’s legal team is acting like me trying to file my taxes – clawing for every extension they can get their hands on, only less funny.
- The ‘It’s a Witch Hunt!’ Narrative:
- Ministry of Magic called, they said this isn’t how witch hunts work. But hey, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and evades taxes like a – well, you know where this is going.
- Ministry of Magic called, they said this isn’t how witch hunts work. But hey, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and evades taxes like a – well, you know where this is going.
- Playing the ‘Old Man Trump’ Card:
- Surely, they’ll pull the age-old ‘Don’t be too hard on the old fella’ scheme. Because age should be a barrier to legal scrutiny, provided you’ve had your share of reality TV fame.
- Surely, they’ll pull the age-old ‘Don’t be too hard on the old fella’ scheme. Because age should be a barrier to legal scrutiny, provided you’ve had your share of reality TV fame.
- “Delay, Delay, Delay”:
- It’s the mantra, the motto, the way of life. If Trump’s trials had a family crest, it would feature a tortoise, a calendar, and an hourglass, all super-glued to the ground.
- It’s the mantra, the motto, the way of life. If Trump’s trials had a family crest, it would feature a tortoise, a calendar, and an hourglass, all super-glued to the ground.
The Hot Take:
Imagine we fix this the way Trump ‘fixes’ everything – with the subtlety of a chainsaw and the precision of a sledgehammer. First, you streamline the justice system like a Trump tweet – 280 characters to make your case, and bam, verdict delivered!
Secondly, if we televised this legal circus, the ratings could fund legal aid for the next millennium. And finally, perhaps, we just need to let the system run its course, hope the truth gets its day in the sun, and that justice isn’t just a word we tweet about in all caps.
So while Trump and his legal entourage dance around the court like they’ve got ants in their suits, the rest of us can kick back, grab some popcorn, and marvel at the sheer madness of it all. It’s “Law & Order: SVU”— if by ‘SVU’ you mean ‘Seriously, Very Unbelievable.’
Source: There’s ‘Absolutely No Basis’ For Slowing Down Trump’s NY Criminal Case, Expert Says
