Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
What a treat we’ve been given—a masterclass in “What Not To Do” when you’re knee-deep in legal inquiries, courtesy of one Steve Bannon. The former White House strategist, apparently vying for an honorary degree in Bad Advice, has reportedly urged ex-President Trump to don a metaphorical blindfold, spin around a few times, and step into the halls of justice like he’s playing a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Only this time, the ‘donkey’ is the American judicial system, and the tail is a bizarre strategy that seems to ignore the rule of law as we know it.
“The Breakdown”
- Trial and Terrible Error: Bannon’s tactic is the judicial equivalent of hitting a beehive with a stick—just to see what happens. He suggests that Trump should leap over the traditional legal processes, presumably wearing a cape labeled “Super Precedent.”
- Specifying the genius, Bannon believes that skipping the boring courtroom theatrics and getting right to the punchline is the way to go. Legal briefs? Evidence? Cross-examinations? Too much hassle! It’s like deciding to run a marathon by starting at the finish line—the crowds will be so confused they’ll have to clap, right?
- Specifying the genius, Bannon believes that skipping the boring courtroom theatrics and getting right to the punchline is the way to go. Legal briefs? Evidence? Cross-examinations? Too much hassle! It’s like deciding to run a marathon by starting at the finish line—the crowds will be so confused they’ll have to clap, right?
- Due Process or Don’t Process: It’s a proposition so outrageous, it might just get its own reality show. Steve’s presenting an alternative to due process that’s like opting to bake cookies with a flamethrower—sure, you’ll end up with something, but it won’t be cookies.
- The plan is steeped in bravado and the kind of legal moxie that makes actual lawyers spit out their coffee. If law schools taught a course on Bannon’s suggestions, the textbook would be a single scrap of paper saying, “Just wing it!”
- The plan is steeped in bravado and the kind of legal moxie that makes actual lawyers spit out their coffee. If law schools taught a course on Bannon’s suggestions, the textbook would be a single scrap of paper saying, “Just wing it!”
- Court of Public Opinion or Court of Actual People?: Bannon seems to be preparing a script for a courtroom drama, where the audience’s gasps can overturn a subpoena.
- In this latest episode, entitled “Justice is Blindfolded and Gagged,” Steve proposes using public spectacle to sidestep that pesky nuisance called a courtroom. If you can win the crowd, who needs to win a case?
- In this latest episode, entitled “Justice is Blindfolded and Gagged,” Steve proposes using public spectacle to sidestep that pesky nuisance called a courtroom. If you can win the crowd, who needs to win a case?
- Legal Roulette: In Bannon’s casino, every slot on the wheel is labeled ‘What Could Possibly Go Wrong?’ Trump merely needs to place his bet on red, white, and blue, then trust in American exceptionalism to avoid landing on double-zero.
- It’s a strategy with the same level of predictability as playing Twister in the dark. Right hand on red, left foot in jail?
- It’s a strategy with the same level of predictability as playing Twister in the dark. Right hand on red, left foot in jail?
- Forget the Chips, Where’s the Salsa?: Bannon’s advice is so spiced with recklessness that it makes you long for a condiment to help swallow the idea.
- If the chips are going to fall where they may, as Bannon suggests, better ensure there’s some salsa or guac on standby. Because when they land, they’ll need all the flavor they can get to distract from the taste of imminent legal disaster.
- If the chips are going to fall where they may, as Bannon suggests, better ensure there’s some salsa or guac on standby. Because when they land, they’ll need all the flavor they can get to distract from the taste of imminent legal disaster.
“The Counter”
- Angling for a Pardon Fishing Trip: Is Steve just brainstorming the fastest route to a pardon pursuit for his buddy? It’s like recommending someone to cure a headache by banging their head against the wall—painful, sure, but you’ll forget about the headache.
- Rulebooks are for the Weak: Who needs a rulebook when you have the charisma of a reality TV star? Let’s just throw it in the trash alongside decency and precedent.
- Circus Maximus: Legal Edition: If you’re going to make a mockery of justice, why stop at court? Add some trained lions, tightrope walkers, and maybe a clown or two. It’s not a trial; it’s a trapeze act.
- No Lawyer, No Cry: Who needs lawyers when you have gut feelings and the confidence of a man with nothing to lose but his legacy, his reputation, and possibly his freedom?
- The Evidence is Merely a Suggestion: Cross-examination? More like cross it off the list. Evidence, schmevidence. Did we mention that our reality TV show just got renewed for another season?
“The Hot Take”
What’s the ultimate solution to this latest legal soap opera? As a liberal jester in a court of political farce, it would be easy to argue for a return to good old-fashioned justice—where evidence matters, due processes are followed, and legal advice doesn’t sound like a rejected plot from “Better Call Saul.”
Perhaps we need to refocus our energies on enlightening our fellows who’ve strayed into the convenience store of conspiracy and walked out with armfuls of toxic slushies. Maybe it’s time to stock the shelves with something a bit more nutritious for the democratic soul—like accountability smoothies and a nice, hot cup of reality.
Source: Steve Bannon pushes Trump to skip court: ‘Just do it — see where the chips fall’
