Biden Takes Puerto Rico: Party Like It’s 1699

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

In what could only be described as the least shocking event since my last predictable heartburn, Joe Biden has triumphantly secured the Democratic primary victory in Puerto Rico. As the island, still grappling with hurricanes, both political and meteorological, serves up its trove of delegates on a silver platter, one must pause and wonder: Is this a beacon of hope, or just another fog light on a particularly uneventful night?

The Breakdown:

1. Puerto Rico Bets on Joe: Convenience or Conviction?
   
   Here we are, folks—Puerto Ricans throwing their support behind Joe Biden. But let’s ponder this: are we witnessing a genuine bet on Joe’s promise of stability, or is it merely the island playing safe with political déjà vu?
   
   
2. Delegates on Sale, Biden Buying:
   
   Biden didn’t just win; he probably knew he would—like knowing there’s a sale at your favorite store where you’re the only one with coupons. Democracy or a clearance event?
   
   
3. Massive Turnout—Or So They Say:
   
   the turnout was reported as massive. But what’s massive? The line at the DMV is massive. My last grocery bill was massive. Let’s not skirt the fact that “massive” is often just a fancy way of saying, “A few more people than usual remembered it was election day.”
   
   
4. The Winning Streak Continues:
   
   Joe seems to be on a winning streak as catchy as a pop song summer hit. But are people tapping their feet because they love the tune, or are there just no other stations coming in clear?
   
   
5. Grand Promises for Recovery:
   
   Promises the size of the national debt were thrown around about how Joe is the guy to catalyze recovery in Puerto Rico. Big if true—but didn’t we hear similar refrains before?
   

The Counter:

1. Risky Bet or Safe Play?
   
   Maybe the people are betting on Joe not because he emits the exciting aura of a slow jazz song but because the other options look like they’re playing the triangle in a rock band.
   
   
2. Bargain Bin Delegates?
   
   Perhaps we’re looking at this the wrong way. Maybe Puerto Rico is strategically aligning itself, picking the perceived strongest horse just as one might cunningly stock up during a buy-one-get-one sale.
   
   
3. Turnout Triumphs:
   
   Calling turnout massive could be shorthand for “Everyone showed up because they know what’s at stake,” akin to lining up for vaccinations in shark-infested waters—you just do it because the alternative sucks.
   
   
4. No Good Alternatives:
   
   Could the lack of quality alternatives be making Joe look like the hero we don’t need but the one we’re stuck with right now?
   
   
5. The Promise Keeper?
   
   What if Joe genuinely turns out to be the promise keeper, the knight in shining armor ready to mend broken swords and even more broken economic policies?
   

The Hot Take:

Alright, let’s boil this political pot down: Joe Biden winning in Puerto Rico might feel like an episode of an old sitcom—reassuringly familiar yet slightly disconcerting. We laugh, we cringe, but at the end of the day, we’ve lined our political shelves with what we hope is the least bad option.

The Liberal Recipe for Fixing the Mess: Instead of queuing up to cast a ‘resigned to fate’ ballot every four years, how about we spice up this democracy with a pinch of groundbreaking ideas, a slice of genuine social reforms, and maybe a sprig of not going with the guy everyone expects will win? Let’s make Puerto Rico the poster child for innovative governing, not just a footnote in someone’s political victory lap.

Source: Biden wins Puerto Rico Democratic primary