Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a stunning display of initiative never before seen at a university (unless you remember any part of the 60s or literally any other student protest), Columbia University students have decided to take over a building.
Yes, these young crusaders of justice couldn’t find a better place to study for finals, so they’ve repurposed the administrative offices as their new study hall. There was some mumbled nonsense about fighting for Palestinian rights, but let’s be honest, campus wifi just reaches better there.
The Breakdown
- Right to the Office: Because when you want to make a statement about international geopolitics, obviously, an Ivy League university office is the strategic equivalent of Normandy on D-Day.
‘We will fight them in the lecture halls; we will never surrender our right to mildly inconvenience administrators!’
- Espresso Machines Mean Justice: One protester was quoted as shouting, ‘No peace, no lattes!’ linking arms with fellow protestors barricading the coffee machines. Because nothing says ‘I stand with Palestine’ like a double-shot of caffeine.
They’ve got the staff espresso machine held hostage—rumors say negotiations involve oat milk.
- Occupation 101: They’re occupying a building to protest occupations. Let that sink in. Irony is not just a mandatory English course.
Walkouts are so last semester. This year, it’s all about the sit-in (or sit-on, depending on available furniture).
- The Liberator’s Playlist: It’s not a proper building takeover until someone blasts ‘Imagine’ and pretends they’re the first person to discover John Lennon.
The playlist is a critical part of any occupation: it includes hits like “We Shall Overcome” and perhaps, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” for when the administration gets closer.
- Social Media or It Didn’t Happen: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a protest happens and it isn’t live-streamed, did it even occur?
#BuildingTakeover, #ThisIsWhatDemocracyLooksLike, and #OccupyLowLibrary are currently trending.
The Counter
- Administrative Paper Jam: The real victims here? The printers. Think of the memos that are going unprinted, the administrative chaos!
Turns out, the only real power the administration had was to send mass emails.
- Classes? What Classes?: Protest? More like the most socially acceptable skip day ever. Because why go to class when you can make history? Or at least, make the campus newsletter.
The only test these students are studying for right now is a test of patience from the university staff.
- Protest Nutrition: It’s not a proper sit-in until someone orders pizza. A cornerstone of any nutritious protest.
Maybe if they demand Domino’s delivers to the building, the administration might start negotiations faster.
- Hashtag Activism: With every smartphone a beacon of justice, why actually talk to the people you disagree with when you can just subtweet them?
Misunderstanding resolved via GIFs is the next step in diplomatic resolution.
- One-Upping Baby Boomers: Every Columbia alumni who once protested in the 70s is either shaking their head or nodding sagely, reminiscing about the good old days before Instagram and when you actually had to talk to get media attention.
The grey-haired warriors of past protests might just be the next ones barricading the dean’s office, lured back by nostalgia and manual typewriters.
The Hot Take
In today’s heated political climate, maybe the key to peace in the Middle East could start with a group of impassioned students taking over an Ivy League office. If diplomatic talks could be as heated and caffeinated as a college administrative building, who knows what treaties could be brewed amidst the aroma of printer ink and desperation?
But in the meantime, let’s all cheer for these brave souls who dare to practice democracy, one occupied building at a time. And sorry, mom and dad, your tuition is now funding a crash course in ‘Activism and Espresso Drinks.’ Godspeed, you caffeinated crusaders, godspeed.
Source: Pro-Palestinian protesters take over Columbia University building
