Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Man, oh man, can we just take a second to wrap our heads around the news that Biden’s border restrictions are dropping illegal crossings? I mean, I never thought I’d be bragging about restrictions saving the day. But here we are, in 2024, celebrating fewer folks hopping the border like it’s the newest Broadway hit.
Here’s the thing: Who knew it would be so challenging to keep people from wanting to enter our nation of constant bickering and mind-numbing reality TV? It’s like we built this big, shiny house with gluten-free snacks and free Wi-Fi, and everyone suddenly wants to move in. Surprise, surprise!
Of course, thanks to the sharp drop in illegal crossings, we can all sleep soundly knowing that those who do make it here won’t be joining an elite club hosted by Cartels R Us. Because hey, if you can’t manage entry now, you’re probably better off finding another dysfunctional country to call home.
So what’s Uncle Joe been up to? He’s closing the border, and a thousand more people breathe a sigh of relief. Let’s talk about border restrictions like they’re some kind of miracle elixir, fixing all of America’s problems one less illegal crossing at a time. He might as well bottle this policy up and sell it on late-night infomercials: Biden’s Border Block—order yours today, and receive a free Ginsu knife!
But let’s face it. We’re treating a symptom rather than the underlying disease. Immigration? It’s the hangnail of American policy issues. We shrug our shoulders like it can only be fixed with a little Neosporin and a hello-kitty bandage. Spoiler alert: It needs more than just superficial fixes and feel-good band-aids.
Biden’s sticking a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the border like he’s hiding from pesky tourists at a seaside resort. So we’re dancing around the problem like a politician avoiding tax reform. And sure, the drop in illegal crossings is nice and all, but it’s like celebrating the fact that you’re the least dysfunctional family at Thanksgiving. Hurrah! The turkey isn’t the one fighting today.
Look, this border stuff has layers. It’s an onion but with way more tears and fewer options to caramelize it into something tasteful. You’ve got the economic migration, the refuge-seeking, the coyotes profiting off the desperation. And then, the cherry on top— every other country thinking we’re holding the Super Bowl of neighborly meltdowns.
And speaking of meltdowns, can we just nod our heads to the image of Americans so freaked out by illegal crossings they look like they’re auditioning for America’s Next Top Worrier? Oh, the horror! Lost jobs, increased crime, cultural erosion! It’s like the nightmare scenario of Chicken Little on a continuous loop. The sky is always falling, but nobody ever actually gets hit.
For those who somehow think this drop-in crossings is an end-all solution, here’s a warm fuzzy news flash: People are still figuring out that even our brilliant policy maneuvers are like using a spatula to bail out water from the Titanic. Cute idea, but utterly ineffective.
And what about the other problem? The legal immigration system? There’s no mistaking it; navigating that paperwork is just shy of asking someone to build a model of the Eiffel Tower using nothing but marshmallows and raw spaghetti. It’s so convoluted, Kafka would read it and go, What the hell is this nonsense? So, as much fun as it is to put up new “No Entry” signs, maybe, just maybe, we should clean up the mess behind the velvet ropes, too.
Sure, patting ourselves on the back for this alleged win might feel good. But let’s not act like we’ve found the Holy Grail of immigration policy. Because right now, it’s a Band-Aid on a flesh wound, and we’re declaring it surgery.
And let’s not overlook the chaos it creates down the road: Who’s going to have to untangle this mess once Joe’s restrictions reach their expiration date? Maybe it’ll be one of my grandkids, inheriting a nation still spinning wild from a jigsaw puzzle policy that everyone swore by but no one really understood.
So here’s to solving the complex with the absurdly simple. Here’s to restrictions becoming the new national good luck charm. And here’s to the spectacle of celebrating a dip in illegal crossings like they’re a blessing from the migratory gods themselves. To those who survived this tirade, I salute you for doing what policy often fails to do—make sense of the chaos.
Source: Biden border restrictions bring sharp drop in illegal crossings
